My Dream No More...

Some time ago I started this blog to help me cope with the stress of balancing motherhood and my post-graduate education, and it was one of the most effective coping mechanisms I have ever tried... besides baking. Today, its time to close this blog and write my last entry. Its a mixture of emotions, because we never want to let go what has helped us.

I will start by saying that it feels great to have fulfilled a long term dream. When I was 16 I had this crazy idea that I wrote in my "life plan" as a goal, and that was that I will have a doctorate degree before the age of 50. And what is a dream if we don't try to make it a reality? ...only a thought. I am so proud of what I have done. My parents didn't attend college, nor finish high school but my mother instilled in me a love for school and learning. She never doubted that I was going to attend college, neither did I. I was the first person in my family to graduate from high school, college, master and now doctorate. As the oldest I had the responsibility to be a role model, first for my siblings and cousins, then to my children.

When I decided to return to school in 2009, it was a tough road, as I was trying to cope with the heartbreak of a separation (in 2007) and impending divorce. School kept me grounded and awakened that warrior spirit that was dormant in me. I fell in love again...with a challenge.

During those four years I lost friends, I gained new ones, I changed jobs, saw my oldest  daughter graduating college, my second daughter graduating high school, I was betrayed, I was offended, I was mistreated and I was also celebrated,  but nothing derailed me from the path that I chose. No one was getting on the way of me reaching my goal. I had other women tried to make me feel guilty and they succeeded, but talking to one of my professors made me reaffirm that my kids were going to reap the benefits of my efforts. I lead by example, I strongly believe that you don't quit when things get difficult, you try harder. I once told the students at U Mass Bring Diversity and Leadership to Nursing program, 'When life squeezes you, you just give juice', and that's exactly what I did.

Throughout this process I became a better person, I gained new insight on the self, I gained  strength, wisdom, confidence...I evolved. Life is a constant process of evolution, taking life experiences and use them for growth. I have no regrets of any decision I have made during those four years. I sacrificed a lot and it was all worth it.

The doctorate degree is my dream no more, so now I need to start developing new dreams, new goals. Life is dynamic and we need to move at its rhythm. Inertia always scares me. Look what happens to stagnant waters...I am not sure what is awaiting for me out there, but believe me, I dream...and I dream big. I want to push my degree beyond its boundaries, I want to try new experiences, I want a new challenge, I want to discover new talents, and put them to use not for my own benefit, but to the benefit of many. I want to make a difference and I know I can.

I will leave this blog by encouraging everyone to remove the fear from the equation, and ask yourself "What will you do if you weren't afraid?" Don't be afraid of chasing a dream, challenge the stereotypes, challenge ideas, challenge your own thinking and your own abilities... Don't be afraid of exploring your greatest potential. We only get one shot at life, so we have the responsibility to make this a great experience...the best one we can imagine. Don't be an expectator of your own life...just live, and live big.

Believe in yourself....the results will surprise you, and you will be amaze how far you can get when you push beyond your limits. 

Thank you for supporting me!

PS: I need to come up with a new title to my next blog. Any ideas?????

Special Easter Dinner

Today, I got one of the most special gifts that I have ever received. My oldest daughter came home with her boyfriend and they made a meal for us. I was not expecting such a great meal, and not because I didn't believe in her culinary expertise, but because I was evaluating her based on my own abilities.

When I came home from the yoga class, she was already cooking and the delicious smell of the rosemary and garlic potatoes hit me. I guess she had started baking dessert the night before. At that moment I realize that I needed to leave the kitchen area and I exiled myself to my bedroom. I wanted to give her room to shine...and she did.

Her menu was: Roasted peppered lamb, orange cilantro rice, beans, broccoli and cheese casserole, rosemary and garlic roasted potatoes, corn bread and raspberry-lemon bars. All these from scratch. I couldn't believe when I saw her boyfriend crushing crackers for the casserole topping. Everything was great and super delicious. Their act freed me from stress and worries that usually start a week in advanced. I am grateful because I had a few bad weeks, and I didn't have the energy or motivation to do the things that I usually do.

Despite this wonderful dinner, the most wonderful gift was her...my daughter. I have been blessed to have such a wonderful child, who has grown into a remarkable woman that is caring and willing at her young age to perform selfless acts like she did today. You amaze me and I frequently wonder what have I done to deserve you. I remember that the first picture I had of you as an infant, was in a frame that said "A Star is Born", and let me tell you that star is shinning brighter than ever.
 
Me dear daughter I love you with the core of my being and I am very happy to have you in my life. Thank you for a wonderful Easter dinner!

The Final Lap

I feel exhausted and almost fainting,

because of the stress of this long journey.

I need to finish, I shall achieve,

What used to be an unfulfilled dream.

My thoughts are running at full speed,

Always thinking what’s next on the list.

Could be results or implications,

Maybe a poster or presentation.

I am so tired, I can’t think straight,

Not even caffeine could keep me awake.

Some days I feel I can’t not more,

but still peel myself off the floor.

 It is insane, that the end is so near,

and soon this pain will disappear.

I will not fail, I will succeed,

because failure ain’t in my genes.

What will be next?

I sure don’t know.

But I will celebrate,

What I have done.

By Maribel Ortiz

The Road to Success Isn't a Lonely One

This week has been rough. Too much to do and too little time. At least that's how it seems through my student's eyes. I may have missed a deadline, but not because I didn't work hard.

While I was shoveling snow today, and wasting time feeling sorry for myself, while cursing my neighbors who all have snow blowers, and do the job in half the time I thought of all the wonderful things that happened to me this week, and even this month. I decided to get out of the self pity swamp that I have put myself in. Why is it our human nature to focus on the negative, on the shortcomings, on the 1% that we missed?

This past month has been wonderful, and I will share why. This week I found out that my research abstract was accepted to be presented at that Northeast Regional Nurse Practitioner's Conference that will be held in May. I am greatly looking forward to that. I was able to get a perfect score on my psycho-pharmacology exam, with a comment that said "congratulations on a stellar exam". My professor is awesome and he will not compliment if not deserved, so this one I took very seriously. My advisor commented on my manuscript and called a me "a great writer". I had a great week at work, I am adjusting well, I am meeting new people, and patients seem to be transitioning well to my style.

Most important than all that were two messages that I have received from my daughters. I still read them often and relive the warmth they brought to my soul. They go as follow:

"I want to thank you for everything you've ever done for us. It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful  you are. I've only gotten this far in life because I have the strongest female example to learn from. I love you."

"Hey Ma, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I know I don't say it enough but I appreciate everything you do for me. Love you."

 All this wonderful things didn't go to my head or make me feel arrogant, by contrary I thought of the people that had been there to help me. I thought about God as my source of wisdom. I thought of the person that helps the most, and that is my mother. She does so much for me that I will need a notebook to write it down. She has been taking care of the things that I don't have the time to do so I can focus on the studying part. She knows how much disorganization stresses me out, and she makes sure the environment looks to the part. That is priceless. I also thought of my two youngest kids who never complaint when I am too tired to cook, too late for dinner, didn't get to the laundry on time, and so on.

I am so blessed. For all my successes this past month I will thank God, my mother and my children who are my greatest love and biggest motivation.

Looking back, I guess shoveling was therapeutic after all.

Lost and Found

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been trapped in the vacuum of stress. That toxic cycle that affects every area of my life. I have the image of seeing myself trying to escape the trap but I couldn't. And because life goes on, I had a paper due. I sat in front of the computer for hours trying to produce a paper. I stared at the blank screen for exactly three hours, and I produced one sentence. My brain was exhausted, but not as much as I was. Exhausted of being in survivor mode. The process was painful but by the end of the night the paper was completed.

I am exhausted, but why did I stop showing myself some love? My life has become a balancing act between work and school work. The little free I have I dedicate to others in order to maintain healthy relationships with family and friends, and in that process I forgot myself....I fell off my own list. I stopped doing the things that I enjoy...no scrap-booking, or jewelry making, or exercise, or healthy eating. It sounds like I am depressed but I am not. I am loaded with stress and forgot to take care of myself. My Yin and Yang are unbalanced and if I don't do something my health will suffer.

Its so easy to get lost and so hard to be found. I have to take action, and fall in love with me again. That's sounds weird, but when we love something, we cherish, we look after, we protect, we take care...
I started this morning, when on my way to work instead of making phone calls, I decided to listen to relaxing music in preparation for a busy day. On my way back I did the same thing as a way to decompress after a hard day before I went back to my kids and log in to class. It felt great to show myself some TLC.  Now I am looking forward to hit that treadmill to the music of Pitbull...yes...school work will have to wait until I am done. I am back on my list!

"If you produce positive energy in the air,

this attracts more positive energy,

besides cheer to those 

who really love you well."

Author unknown

The Art of Listening

     I considered myself a great listener. I am so good at it that I even get paid to listen to others. I spend all day listening to stories of sadness, happiness, pain, trauma, shame, pride and at times despair. I feel honored that they chose me to tell their story.  

     I don't only listen when I get paid, I also listen to co-workers, other nurses, and to anyone that wants to talk. I feel that people gravitate to me because of that skill. The stories they tell me, are all great and  allow me to look into their soul and learn from their experience. What an intimate moment that is. By listening, I help to alleviate someone's load.

     But where do someone that gets paid to listen to people's stories goes to tell her own? Who will listen to mine? Who will help alleviate my load? Do I have to pay someone? Who can I talk to without feeling that I am burdening them?

     It's harder than you think to find someone that is willing to listen to my rambling about stress, confusion, my feelings of overwhelm, missing school deadlines, and upcoming deadlines that will not be met, etc.

     Today felt like I had a story to tell but I had no one to tell it to. Today I missed everyone that I have shared stories with, those good listeners that lend me their ear so I could vent. I missed that coffee break in the partial and having someone there that listen without judging. But because I couldn't find anyone to talk to I will paste my story in this page, and that way I will not feel like I am imposing on others as I understand that everyone carries their own cross.

     Since the semester started I feel out of place, disorganize. It didn't help that I have to change jobs in the midst of it. On a scale from 1-10 I will rate my level of stress at 26...way off the charts. I feel my head is a bomb that might explode at any minute and I risk to lose valuable information. I have two online courses and my Internet decides to work intermittently and for that reason I am delayed on everything. I had thoughts of shooting my computer, but soon realized that I don't own a gun. I wanted to start running but didn't have the energy. I wanted to sleep but the level of caffeine in my system wouldn't allow it. I wanted to start cursing but my son was next to me and I didn't want to freak him out, or make his ears bleed. I feel like I am on the verge of a meltdown. Despite all that I look calm, cool and collected, just because I have been trained for it, and because I trust my abilities. These classes aren't going to kick my ass, because I am going to kick theirs. Nothing will stop me from graduating in May.

So just in case you didn't understand me, I hope the graphics below tell you how I really feel.

I am drowning in work....

...my brain is a mess...

...and I have more questions than answers.

             Thank you for listening...

Doubt

Doubt, doubt go way,

free my thoughts from your curse.

Is it reality or is not?

I don’t know, I wasn’t told.

The thoughts fester inside my head,

corrupting everything along the way.

The window is cloudy, and I can’t see,

so I will imagine what is within.

The story is ugly, and perhaps not real,

but it creates great upheaval.

Can we prevent it? Oh yes we can,

if we are transparent with the facts.

Is it fear or is it anger?

I am all confused with this matter.

Why is never the right time?

When only takes a minute to empathize.

It is our job to reassure,

 and make our loved ones feel secure.

Why cause more doubt, or more pain?

When relationships are at stake.

Never forget that doubt has two ends,

and at some point you could be taking the pain.

Just be careful, and be kind,

Doubt like Karma comes and bite.

By Maribel

Chaos Within

     There was a recent episode in my life that made me analyze everything I do and how I do it. But before I went through the process of analysis, I went into an internal commotion. My thoughts were like a house in the process of someone moving in...somewhat functional but too disorganize to be of any benefit. The most powerful epiphany I had at that moment, was that I had given "someone" the power to create chaos in my life and make me feel powerless....the latter was the key part, because as a strong woman powerlessness isn't a feeling that sits well with me.

To deal with that situation I had to go through all of the stages of grief... 
       Denial: This feeling helped with the overwhelming shock of the news. I had to detach my emotional self from the situation to remain sane. I was totally numbed. Within the numbness, I was able to organize my thoughts and plan of action.

      Anger: For me anger is a catalyst...it moves me with such energy and power that at times surprises me. That anger was only a symptom of the pain inflicted, and it was covering a great deal of fear and impotence.
      
      Bargaining: This stage was the shortest because I usually don't ask God, "why me?" because I know the answer..."why not?". I do believe that I am part of a plan, and God will move me wherever I need to be. Sometimes I don't listen because of my innate stubbornness, and He has to push me...and sometimes the push is so strong that makes me fall to the ground, and I need to catch my breath before moving forward.

     Depression: This was a difficult phase, especially just before the Holidays. The loss that I experienced, brought to the surface many loses that I had put in compartments to deal with them at a later time. So it became overwhelming. I wasn't surprised that I experienced depressive feelings, as this always happens when you lose something or someone you care about. I needed to experience the pain, so I could put closure on that loss, and the feelings that came with it. As a result of that I realized that I needed to close some other circles. I needed to allow some people to get out of my life, because our relationships had expired or changed in significance. Then I needed to allow others to come in, and bring something different to the equation. The pain made me appreciate my qualities to a greater level, and reaffirm that I am a valuable human being and not a disposable object.

    Acceptance: This is where I am now. I came to the realization that no matter what you do or how great you are at it, there will always be someone that doesn't appreciate it. Should I stop dreaming because someone thinks my dreams are silly? Should I stop dancing because someone thinks I have no rhythm? Should I stop working because someone doesn't believe in my work? Should I stop building because someone destroys my construction? Absolutely not. I am bigger than my circumstances, and after all I am still the keeper of my castle, and I will not allow anyone to destroy my creation. I am in control and will never allow anyone to hold me back, to block my path or to tell me what to do with my life.
     
     Life is the biggest classroom and I have just learned a lesson. Sometimes we have to lose to gain....

PS: I want to thank some special people who shared my pain, who listened to my venting rants, who held my hand to help me get back up, to that person who touched my shoulder, because your energy reached my soul, and who witnessed my tears without labeling me weak. My life is better because of you...and you know who you are.

The Wounded Healer

Longing for the past with its joyful times, 

In which we felt safe most of the time.

We were a big family and dysfunctional too,

but we made it work like families do.

Now it seems like we are under attack,

they are taking everything, and not giving it back.

How much can they take? That's left to be seen.

I thought they were done, but that was just naive.

Aren't they supposed to be healing wounds,

but instead they are bringing doom.

The ground is shaking under our feet, 

please have some mercy...let us be!

Please don't forget the bonding we have,

and don't allow fear  to create mishaps.

We are each a knot in our net of support,

please lets don't forget our roles. 

They could take it all way,

but what is in our souls is not up for take.

I am hopeful that the end is near,

so all our wounds could finally start to heal. 

 

 

By: Maribel O.

Looking for a Boyfriend

     Today, I was talking with someone that always challenges my thinking, and sometimes forces me to go deep into my feelings, emotions, the rationale for my actions, and other places that sometimes I don't feel like visiting. In a nonchalant manner she asked me, "when are you going to have a boyfriend...a real boyfriend, not the pretend or look alike that you think you have sometimes?" She is tough!  That's not the first time someone ask me that question. Actually, someone have asked me that question at least once a day for the last four to five years. I laughed like I usually do, and my answer is always the same...When I finish school.

     We discuss that topic for a while and she was relentless, so she asked me have you thought about what you would like that boyfriend to be like? Well, is not like I haven't had plently of time to think about it. Hahahaha...I have been apart from my ex-husband since 2007, and I have not been involved in a bilaterally committed relationship since.  No, I am not traumatized, bitter, or given up....I am just too busy...strong headed and perhaps slightly selective.

     She kept pushing, and she asked me to come up with a list of qualifications ..."in preparation to enter the dating scene". That's sounds scary, its a jungle out there.

     I thought of some of my friends who made wonderful lists and even posters of the qualities they wanted in their future mates and the thought they put into it. They even read books about it in preparation. I thought of the possibility of cloning people I like, but after all that thinking I came up with this:

In the deep level: I want a man that is loving, kind, HONEST, TRANSPARENT, unselfish, great listener, strong spirit and personality but NEVER overpowering, someone that will treat my kids like a a part of me, fun, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, confident.
                        
 In the shallow level: He should be a good dresser, fit, good looking, clean cut, professional, great teeth and some other qualities that I will rather keep private.
                         
In the team level: I want a man that will not block my growth (because it will not last) but will enjoy it with me, will NOT attempt to slow me down, is patient (a necessity to  protect his health), will NOT try to change me after he gets a foot in the door (because he could be heading out pretty quickly), I want someone that is not expecting a traditional "wife", because I am NOT a traditional woman.

     It seems like I am pretty demanding, but I don't think I am. I have been divorce twice, and I want to find a partner for life, NOT a boyfriend. Any man could be a boyfriend but it takes a very special man to become THE ONE... that person that you want to have in your life forever, not because he is perfect but because he loves and respects you for who are. That man that is considerate of his actions affect you and is always mindful of that. The qualities in the "shallow pile" are all negotiable, but the others aren't. Not all have to be present, but most of them have to be. If many of those qualities are absent we still may be able to have a relationship but not a lifetime partnership.

    I am worth it, and I don't settle for OK or average.  You may have notice that I never use the word NEED, because in reality I don't need a man, ot a husband or a boyfriedn...I want one.

And yes, I may want to remarried one day, but like the Michael Buble song says "I haven't met you yet".




                   

I Am Tired of Being Tired

   As I am reaching mid semester, tiredness has become part of existence. I have tried Ginseng, B-complex, energy drinks, 5- hr energy shots, coffee, and coffee with shots of espresso, and any combination of the above, and nothing seems to work. At times I am aware that I meet the criteria for caffeine intoxication. I don't even enjoy that cup of coffee any more, because it has become a necessity and not a pleasure like it used to be. I need it to stay awake and functional. I sleep more than ever- about 4-6 hrs a night and for a doctoral student that's golden.  It seems like the quality of the sleep has declined, since I wake up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

I am so tired or being tired!

    In class today, I had a hard time concentrating. My thoughts were speeding, and I was thinking of my "special project" that I haven't start, the six research interviews that I have scheduled for tomorrow, my research presentation and paper,  my "special project" presentation, my chores list, my grocery shopping list, and many more things. I looked at the professor but couldn't decipher his words because my thoughts were on the way. 

   School work is piling up, and feels like a giant mountain in front of me. The more I work the bigger the mountain gets, and it's suppose to be the other way around. I continue to sacrifice people, including my children and I hope they understand. I am afraid one of these days they are going to ask me who am I. Is devastating when your own kids ask "why are you home early?"

  I laughed when someone told me that I was lucky. I remembered a quote I read a while back that said: "The more I work the luckier I get". What I have isn't called luck, but discipline and commitment...to my cause. And what is that cause? Improving myself to the highest level possible, and do what other women in my family weren't able to do because times were different. 

  In May I will look back at this great journey and will celebrate my accomplishment.

My Hiking Trip

            I thought words were not necessary to describe the beauty of what I saw during my hike this morning. I went by myself and hiked for 8 miles, burned 1,930 calories, in close to 3 hrs and kept a heart rate of 140 beats/minute. I just need 36 more miles.

Hurt

Have you ever felt that you were punched without being touched?

Have you ever felt that the ground under your feet was shaken or even worse, removed?

Have you ever been accused of things that you couldn’t believe?

Have you ever been told things that shook your world, and the core of your being?

Have you ever been left speechless and disarmed to fight back because the attack was so vicious?

Have you ever doubt yourself after someone falsely accused you?

I have listened to many stories in my life of people that could answer “yes” to all these questions, including myself. Someone has wounded us, and we were left with the uncertainty of how to heal wounds that don’t respond to traditional treatments like stitching, ice, narcotics, antibiotics, gauze bandages or even skin grafts. Those wounds that someone, or a situation caused are of emotional nature, and the pain runs deep. Those wounds had left us impaired, defenseless and powerless. In many occasions the message is internalized, and becomes comfortable in our psyche. There is a constant process of questioning and attempting to find answers. Instead of answers, more questions arise, and they may go forever unanswered. Doubt and mistrust sets in, at times in the form of paranoia, but not the one based on a psychotic process, but the one that is based on fear... the fear of re-experiencing the pain, that feeling that felt so familiar.   

      At some point in our lives we all have been there. I remember feeling so broken after seeing that only pieces of me were left. I remember crying myself to sleep and applying ointments to my face so nobody, including my kids will notice the signs of pain and sadness. Those were the days that I overcompensated; I forced myself to laugh more and to be kinder to others. Later I read in the book with the words of the Dalai Lama that compassion helps cleanse the mind and the soul. Showing compassion to others was the ointment I needed.

      I do think that pain, even though is unwanted, it could be taken as an opportunity for growth, to improve ourselves.  It’s a chance to reassess our behavior, our choices, especially who we allow inside our circle, that intimate place reserved for few. Today, I accept that I am in pain, and I have decided to have compassion for the ones that hurt me. When they stabbed me I saw a window to their soul, and that was a worse place than mine.

     As part of my healing...for the next month I will hike 44 miles in significance of my years of life, as a way to cleanse my thoughts and soul from anything that's not healthy and will prevent me from growing as a human being. During hikes I am able to meditate and gain insight into my own behavior.

There is a quote from the Dalai Lama that says: The mind's own basic nature is ultimately neutral. It can be influence by negative as well as positive emotions." ...so I need to do my part!