Chaos Within

     There was a recent episode in my life that made me analyze everything I do and how I do it. But before I went through the process of analysis, I went into an internal commotion. My thoughts were like a house in the process of someone moving in...somewhat functional but too disorganize to be of any benefit. The most powerful epiphany I had at that moment, was that I had given "someone" the power to create chaos in my life and make me feel powerless....the latter was the key part, because as a strong woman powerlessness isn't a feeling that sits well with me.

To deal with that situation I had to go through all of the stages of grief... 
       Denial: This feeling helped with the overwhelming shock of the news. I had to detach my emotional self from the situation to remain sane. I was totally numbed. Within the numbness, I was able to organize my thoughts and plan of action.

      Anger: For me anger is a catalyst...it moves me with such energy and power that at times surprises me. That anger was only a symptom of the pain inflicted, and it was covering a great deal of fear and impotence.
      
      Bargaining: This stage was the shortest because I usually don't ask God, "why me?" because I know the answer..."why not?". I do believe that I am part of a plan, and God will move me wherever I need to be. Sometimes I don't listen because of my innate stubbornness, and He has to push me...and sometimes the push is so strong that makes me fall to the ground, and I need to catch my breath before moving forward.

     Depression: This was a difficult phase, especially just before the Holidays. The loss that I experienced, brought to the surface many loses that I had put in compartments to deal with them at a later time. So it became overwhelming. I wasn't surprised that I experienced depressive feelings, as this always happens when you lose something or someone you care about. I needed to experience the pain, so I could put closure on that loss, and the feelings that came with it. As a result of that I realized that I needed to close some other circles. I needed to allow some people to get out of my life, because our relationships had expired or changed in significance. Then I needed to allow others to come in, and bring something different to the equation. The pain made me appreciate my qualities to a greater level, and reaffirm that I am a valuable human being and not a disposable object.

    Acceptance: This is where I am now. I came to the realization that no matter what you do or how great you are at it, there will always be someone that doesn't appreciate it. Should I stop dreaming because someone thinks my dreams are silly? Should I stop dancing because someone thinks I have no rhythm? Should I stop working because someone doesn't believe in my work? Should I stop building because someone destroys my construction? Absolutely not. I am bigger than my circumstances, and after all I am still the keeper of my castle, and I will not allow anyone to destroy my creation. I am in control and will never allow anyone to hold me back, to block my path or to tell me what to do with my life.
     
     Life is the biggest classroom and I have just learned a lesson. Sometimes we have to lose to gain....

PS: I want to thank some special people who shared my pain, who listened to my venting rants, who held my hand to help me get back up, to that person who touched my shoulder, because your energy reached my soul, and who witnessed my tears without labeling me weak. My life is better because of you...and you know who you are.

The Wounded Healer

Longing for the past with its joyful times, 

In which we felt safe most of the time.

We were a big family and dysfunctional too,

but we made it work like families do.

Now it seems like we are under attack,

they are taking everything, and not giving it back.

How much can they take? That's left to be seen.

I thought they were done, but that was just naive.

Aren't they supposed to be healing wounds,

but instead they are bringing doom.

The ground is shaking under our feet, 

please have some mercy...let us be!

Please don't forget the bonding we have,

and don't allow fear  to create mishaps.

We are each a knot in our net of support,

please lets don't forget our roles. 

They could take it all way,

but what is in our souls is not up for take.

I am hopeful that the end is near,

so all our wounds could finally start to heal. 

 

 

By: Maribel O.

Looking for a Boyfriend

     Today, I was talking with someone that always challenges my thinking, and sometimes forces me to go deep into my feelings, emotions, the rationale for my actions, and other places that sometimes I don't feel like visiting. In a nonchalant manner she asked me, "when are you going to have a boyfriend...a real boyfriend, not the pretend or look alike that you think you have sometimes?" She is tough!  That's not the first time someone ask me that question. Actually, someone have asked me that question at least once a day for the last four to five years. I laughed like I usually do, and my answer is always the same...When I finish school.

     We discuss that topic for a while and she was relentless, so she asked me have you thought about what you would like that boyfriend to be like? Well, is not like I haven't had plently of time to think about it. Hahahaha...I have been apart from my ex-husband since 2007, and I have not been involved in a bilaterally committed relationship since.  No, I am not traumatized, bitter, or given up....I am just too busy...strong headed and perhaps slightly selective.

     She kept pushing, and she asked me to come up with a list of qualifications ..."in preparation to enter the dating scene". That's sounds scary, its a jungle out there.

     I thought of some of my friends who made wonderful lists and even posters of the qualities they wanted in their future mates and the thought they put into it. They even read books about it in preparation. I thought of the possibility of cloning people I like, but after all that thinking I came up with this:

In the deep level: I want a man that is loving, kind, HONEST, TRANSPARENT, unselfish, great listener, strong spirit and personality but NEVER overpowering, someone that will treat my kids like a a part of me, fun, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, confident.
                        
 In the shallow level: He should be a good dresser, fit, good looking, clean cut, professional, great teeth and some other qualities that I will rather keep private.
                         
In the team level: I want a man that will not block my growth (because it will not last) but will enjoy it with me, will NOT attempt to slow me down, is patient (a necessity to  protect his health), will NOT try to change me after he gets a foot in the door (because he could be heading out pretty quickly), I want someone that is not expecting a traditional "wife", because I am NOT a traditional woman.

     It seems like I am pretty demanding, but I don't think I am. I have been divorce twice, and I want to find a partner for life, NOT a boyfriend. Any man could be a boyfriend but it takes a very special man to become THE ONE... that person that you want to have in your life forever, not because he is perfect but because he loves and respects you for who are. That man that is considerate of his actions affect you and is always mindful of that. The qualities in the "shallow pile" are all negotiable, but the others aren't. Not all have to be present, but most of them have to be. If many of those qualities are absent we still may be able to have a relationship but not a lifetime partnership.

    I am worth it, and I don't settle for OK or average.  You may have notice that I never use the word NEED, because in reality I don't need a man, ot a husband or a boyfriedn...I want one.

And yes, I may want to remarried one day, but like the Michael Buble song says "I haven't met you yet".




                   

I Am Tired of Being Tired

   As I am reaching mid semester, tiredness has become part of existence. I have tried Ginseng, B-complex, energy drinks, 5- hr energy shots, coffee, and coffee with shots of espresso, and any combination of the above, and nothing seems to work. At times I am aware that I meet the criteria for caffeine intoxication. I don't even enjoy that cup of coffee any more, because it has become a necessity and not a pleasure like it used to be. I need it to stay awake and functional. I sleep more than ever- about 4-6 hrs a night and for a doctoral student that's golden.  It seems like the quality of the sleep has declined, since I wake up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

I am so tired or being tired!

    In class today, I had a hard time concentrating. My thoughts were speeding, and I was thinking of my "special project" that I haven't start, the six research interviews that I have scheduled for tomorrow, my research presentation and paper,  my "special project" presentation, my chores list, my grocery shopping list, and many more things. I looked at the professor but couldn't decipher his words because my thoughts were on the way. 

   School work is piling up, and feels like a giant mountain in front of me. The more I work the bigger the mountain gets, and it's suppose to be the other way around. I continue to sacrifice people, including my children and I hope they understand. I am afraid one of these days they are going to ask me who am I. Is devastating when your own kids ask "why are you home early?"

  I laughed when someone told me that I was lucky. I remembered a quote I read a while back that said: "The more I work the luckier I get". What I have isn't called luck, but discipline and commitment...to my cause. And what is that cause? Improving myself to the highest level possible, and do what other women in my family weren't able to do because times were different. 

  In May I will look back at this great journey and will celebrate my accomplishment.

My Hiking Trip

            I thought words were not necessary to describe the beauty of what I saw during my hike this morning. I went by myself and hiked for 8 miles, burned 1,930 calories, in close to 3 hrs and kept a heart rate of 140 beats/minute. I just need 36 more miles.

Hurt

Have you ever felt that you were punched without being touched?

Have you ever felt that the ground under your feet was shaken or even worse, removed?

Have you ever been accused of things that you couldn’t believe?

Have you ever been told things that shook your world, and the core of your being?

Have you ever been left speechless and disarmed to fight back because the attack was so vicious?

Have you ever doubt yourself after someone falsely accused you?

I have listened to many stories in my life of people that could answer “yes” to all these questions, including myself. Someone has wounded us, and we were left with the uncertainty of how to heal wounds that don’t respond to traditional treatments like stitching, ice, narcotics, antibiotics, gauze bandages or even skin grafts. Those wounds that someone, or a situation caused are of emotional nature, and the pain runs deep. Those wounds had left us impaired, defenseless and powerless. In many occasions the message is internalized, and becomes comfortable in our psyche. There is a constant process of questioning and attempting to find answers. Instead of answers, more questions arise, and they may go forever unanswered. Doubt and mistrust sets in, at times in the form of paranoia, but not the one based on a psychotic process, but the one that is based on fear... the fear of re-experiencing the pain, that feeling that felt so familiar.   

      At some point in our lives we all have been there. I remember feeling so broken after seeing that only pieces of me were left. I remember crying myself to sleep and applying ointments to my face so nobody, including my kids will notice the signs of pain and sadness. Those were the days that I overcompensated; I forced myself to laugh more and to be kinder to others. Later I read in the book with the words of the Dalai Lama that compassion helps cleanse the mind and the soul. Showing compassion to others was the ointment I needed.

      I do think that pain, even though is unwanted, it could be taken as an opportunity for growth, to improve ourselves.  It’s a chance to reassess our behavior, our choices, especially who we allow inside our circle, that intimate place reserved for few. Today, I accept that I am in pain, and I have decided to have compassion for the ones that hurt me. When they stabbed me I saw a window to their soul, and that was a worse place than mine.

     As part of my healing...for the next month I will hike 44 miles in significance of my years of life, as a way to cleanse my thoughts and soul from anything that's not healthy and will prevent me from growing as a human being. During hikes I am able to meditate and gain insight into my own behavior.

There is a quote from the Dalai Lama that says: The mind's own basic nature is ultimately neutral. It can be influence by negative as well as positive emotions." ...so I need to do my part!

Inside my thoughts

Today is Monday, and that means get ready for a busy school week. I went to check blackboard (class website) and I was horrified when I saw that my 17 classmates posted, and they did extensively.  I guess they forgot that we have to read and answer every single post tonight. They all look the same.  They are talking using the IT and financial lingo that I hate, and that my brain refuses to understand. I could feel those words floating around my head like a halo. They might as well had posted in French...or did they?  I think that financial and technology experts forget the process of communication, or perhaps they care more about looking smart than having the message understood.  How can I push my brain to produce enough BS to answer everybody by tonight? I guess I have to try.


Today, I was thinking about the hazards of being a single mom trying to finish grad school. They are many, including the high levels of stress and pressure that causes a chronic allostatic overload. Over time this can cause damage to the arteries which precludes heart disease and the complications that come with it. The allostatic overload also increases the readings for blood pressure. This will add to the risk that I already have based on my genetic composition and family history. I am doomed!

Those are risks but what is a fact is that when you are a single mom attending grad school,  someone will always be angry at you... I will give a few examples...today I didn't cook, so my daughter will be upset, but if I spent the time cooking, and didn't post my professor will be angry and I will be angry at myself when he mentions my lack of discipline in open forum. My son was angry at me over the weekend because I didn't get to rent the drum he needed before the store closed until Tuesday. Its like a chain of events that never ends.... When I earn this degree I will forget about that, but in the mean time let me angry at my classmates for forcing me to read over 40 pages of documents talking about meaningful use, electronic medical records, CMS incentives, Health Information Technology for Economic and Clinical Health Act,  and the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.