The Wounded Healer

Longing for the past with its joyful times, 

In which we felt safe most of the time.

We were a big family and dysfunctional too,

but we made it work like families do.

Now it seems like we are under attack,

they are taking everything, and not giving it back.

How much can they take? That's left to be seen.

I thought they were done, but that was just naive.

Aren't they supposed to be healing wounds,

but instead they are bringing doom.

The ground is shaking under our feet, 

please have some mercy...let us be!

Please don't forget the bonding we have,

and don't allow fear  to create mishaps.

We are each a knot in our net of support,

please lets don't forget our roles. 

They could take it all way,

but what is in our souls is not up for take.

I am hopeful that the end is near,

so all our wounds could finally start to heal. 

 

 

By: Maribel O.

Looking for a Boyfriend

     Today, I was talking with someone that always challenges my thinking, and sometimes forces me to go deep into my feelings, emotions, the rationale for my actions, and other places that sometimes I don't feel like visiting. In a nonchalant manner she asked me, "when are you going to have a boyfriend...a real boyfriend, not the pretend or look alike that you think you have sometimes?" She is tough!  That's not the first time someone ask me that question. Actually, someone have asked me that question at least once a day for the last four to five years. I laughed like I usually do, and my answer is always the same...When I finish school.

     We discuss that topic for a while and she was relentless, so she asked me have you thought about what you would like that boyfriend to be like? Well, is not like I haven't had plently of time to think about it. Hahahaha...I have been apart from my ex-husband since 2007, and I have not been involved in a bilaterally committed relationship since.  No, I am not traumatized, bitter, or given up....I am just too busy...strong headed and perhaps slightly selective.

     She kept pushing, and she asked me to come up with a list of qualifications ..."in preparation to enter the dating scene". That's sounds scary, its a jungle out there.

     I thought of some of my friends who made wonderful lists and even posters of the qualities they wanted in their future mates and the thought they put into it. They even read books about it in preparation. I thought of the possibility of cloning people I like, but after all that thinking I came up with this:

In the deep level: I want a man that is loving, kind, HONEST, TRANSPARENT, unselfish, great listener, strong spirit and personality but NEVER overpowering, someone that will treat my kids like a a part of me, fun, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, confident.
                        
 In the shallow level: He should be a good dresser, fit, good looking, clean cut, professional, great teeth and some other qualities that I will rather keep private.
                         
In the team level: I want a man that will not block my growth (because it will not last) but will enjoy it with me, will NOT attempt to slow me down, is patient (a necessity to  protect his health), will NOT try to change me after he gets a foot in the door (because he could be heading out pretty quickly), I want someone that is not expecting a traditional "wife", because I am NOT a traditional woman.

     It seems like I am pretty demanding, but I don't think I am. I have been divorce twice, and I want to find a partner for life, NOT a boyfriend. Any man could be a boyfriend but it takes a very special man to become THE ONE... that person that you want to have in your life forever, not because he is perfect but because he loves and respects you for who are. That man that is considerate of his actions affect you and is always mindful of that. The qualities in the "shallow pile" are all negotiable, but the others aren't. Not all have to be present, but most of them have to be. If many of those qualities are absent we still may be able to have a relationship but not a lifetime partnership.

    I am worth it, and I don't settle for OK or average.  You may have notice that I never use the word NEED, because in reality I don't need a man, ot a husband or a boyfriedn...I want one.

And yes, I may want to remarried one day, but like the Michael Buble song says "I haven't met you yet".




                   

I Am Tired of Being Tired

   As I am reaching mid semester, tiredness has become part of existence. I have tried Ginseng, B-complex, energy drinks, 5- hr energy shots, coffee, and coffee with shots of espresso, and any combination of the above, and nothing seems to work. At times I am aware that I meet the criteria for caffeine intoxication. I don't even enjoy that cup of coffee any more, because it has become a necessity and not a pleasure like it used to be. I need it to stay awake and functional. I sleep more than ever- about 4-6 hrs a night and for a doctoral student that's golden.  It seems like the quality of the sleep has declined, since I wake up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

I am so tired or being tired!

    In class today, I had a hard time concentrating. My thoughts were speeding, and I was thinking of my "special project" that I haven't start, the six research interviews that I have scheduled for tomorrow, my research presentation and paper,  my "special project" presentation, my chores list, my grocery shopping list, and many more things. I looked at the professor but couldn't decipher his words because my thoughts were on the way. 

   School work is piling up, and feels like a giant mountain in front of me. The more I work the bigger the mountain gets, and it's suppose to be the other way around. I continue to sacrifice people, including my children and I hope they understand. I am afraid one of these days they are going to ask me who am I. Is devastating when your own kids ask "why are you home early?"

  I laughed when someone told me that I was lucky. I remembered a quote I read a while back that said: "The more I work the luckier I get". What I have isn't called luck, but discipline and commitment...to my cause. And what is that cause? Improving myself to the highest level possible, and do what other women in my family weren't able to do because times were different. 

  In May I will look back at this great journey and will celebrate my accomplishment.

My Hiking Trip

            I thought words were not necessary to describe the beauty of what I saw during my hike this morning. I went by myself and hiked for 8 miles, burned 1,930 calories, in close to 3 hrs and kept a heart rate of 140 beats/minute. I just need 36 more miles.

Hurt

Have you ever felt that you were punched without being touched?

Have you ever felt that the ground under your feet was shaken or even worse, removed?

Have you ever been accused of things that you couldn’t believe?

Have you ever been told things that shook your world, and the core of your being?

Have you ever been left speechless and disarmed to fight back because the attack was so vicious?

Have you ever doubt yourself after someone falsely accused you?

I have listened to many stories in my life of people that could answer “yes” to all these questions, including myself. Someone has wounded us, and we were left with the uncertainty of how to heal wounds that don’t respond to traditional treatments like stitching, ice, narcotics, antibiotics, gauze bandages or even skin grafts. Those wounds that someone, or a situation caused are of emotional nature, and the pain runs deep. Those wounds had left us impaired, defenseless and powerless. In many occasions the message is internalized, and becomes comfortable in our psyche. There is a constant process of questioning and attempting to find answers. Instead of answers, more questions arise, and they may go forever unanswered. Doubt and mistrust sets in, at times in the form of paranoia, but not the one based on a psychotic process, but the one that is based on fear... the fear of re-experiencing the pain, that feeling that felt so familiar.   

      At some point in our lives we all have been there. I remember feeling so broken after seeing that only pieces of me were left. I remember crying myself to sleep and applying ointments to my face so nobody, including my kids will notice the signs of pain and sadness. Those were the days that I overcompensated; I forced myself to laugh more and to be kinder to others. Later I read in the book with the words of the Dalai Lama that compassion helps cleanse the mind and the soul. Showing compassion to others was the ointment I needed.

      I do think that pain, even though is unwanted, it could be taken as an opportunity for growth, to improve ourselves.  It’s a chance to reassess our behavior, our choices, especially who we allow inside our circle, that intimate place reserved for few. Today, I accept that I am in pain, and I have decided to have compassion for the ones that hurt me. When they stabbed me I saw a window to their soul, and that was a worse place than mine.

     As part of my healing...for the next month I will hike 44 miles in significance of my years of life, as a way to cleanse my thoughts and soul from anything that's not healthy and will prevent me from growing as a human being. During hikes I am able to meditate and gain insight into my own behavior.

There is a quote from the Dalai Lama that says: The mind's own basic nature is ultimately neutral. It can be influence by negative as well as positive emotions." ...so I need to do my part!

Inside my thoughts

Today is Monday, and that means get ready for a busy school week. I went to check blackboard (class website) and I was horrified when I saw that my 17 classmates posted, and they did extensively.  I guess they forgot that we have to read and answer every single post tonight. They all look the same.  They are talking using the IT and financial lingo that I hate, and that my brain refuses to understand. I could feel those words floating around my head like a halo. They might as well had posted in French...or did they?  I think that financial and technology experts forget the process of communication, or perhaps they care more about looking smart than having the message understood.  How can I push my brain to produce enough BS to answer everybody by tonight? I guess I have to try.


Today, I was thinking about the hazards of being a single mom trying to finish grad school. They are many, including the high levels of stress and pressure that causes a chronic allostatic overload. Over time this can cause damage to the arteries which precludes heart disease and the complications that come with it. The allostatic overload also increases the readings for blood pressure. This will add to the risk that I already have based on my genetic composition and family history. I am doomed!

Those are risks but what is a fact is that when you are a single mom attending grad school,  someone will always be angry at you... I will give a few examples...today I didn't cook, so my daughter will be upset, but if I spent the time cooking, and didn't post my professor will be angry and I will be angry at myself when he mentions my lack of discipline in open forum. My son was angry at me over the weekend because I didn't get to rent the drum he needed before the store closed until Tuesday. Its like a chain of events that never ends.... When I earn this degree I will forget about that, but in the mean time let me angry at my classmates for forcing me to read over 40 pages of documents talking about meaningful use, electronic medical records, CMS incentives, Health Information Technology for Economic and Clinical Health Act,  and the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

The Anatomy of My Summer

As the summer is winding down, I can't help but analyze what had happened since this wonderful season started. Its been a crazy ride, crazier than Bizarro, that great roller coaster in Six Flags that  I am terrified of. The problem in life is that the rides aren't always avoidable like I chose to do in the amusement park.

I started the summer disorganized and with lots of plans. I ended the summer disorganized and with lots plans. I guess I could get an A for being consistent.  I had about 10 books I wanted to read. I read one and the other one bored me to death half way, so I dropped it. Just in case you care to know which is the  book that bored me, it was Fifty Shades of Grey. I couldn't understand the rave about it...or maybe I was just jealous of the fantastic sexual life that Anastasia Steele had.

During the summer I traveled the continuum of emotions from a great deal of stress to the thrill of going out with friends, family get togethers and vacation.  During stressfull times I had to depend on people. If you know me well, you will know that's a stressor on its own. I am a fan of self reliance. I always depend on my own means and internal resources. I found the greatest support in my family, as always. I realized that not everyone that says "I will help you" really does, and not everyone that is capable of helping chooses to share their means. I don't mean money but other resources.

I had a few loses. Some hurt me more than others.  Some hit the core of my being. There are wounds that are bleeding but eventually will heal. As I age I realize that interpersonal relationships are so complicated and I think I have lost the patience to deal with them. Or maybe they were always like that and I didn't know better. I saw myself focusing on other things to avoid dealing with my own and hated myself at then end...I lost and I gain. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't. I am proud  that despite knowing being in the losing team in many ocassions, I still played the game and gave it my best shot. I lived to the fullest but that wasn't enough, I gave but not enough, I loved but not enough, I cared but not enough, I was nice but not enough, I was kind but not enough, I was good but not good enough....I don't need negative people in my life. Neither friends that make me feel like I am in the clearance rack. I love myself. Some may think that's arrogant to say but I will label it self worth.

As the fall enters and nature will go through that wonderful transformation, I am choosing to go through it as well. Just like the trees in the fall I will let go of all the dead leaves and in the spring I  will be looking forward to that wonderful rebirth.

The Tsunami

     Not so long ago, we were hit by a tsunami, a giant wave that changed the landscape that was so familiar to us.

     This giant wave came without warning, and hit us with its merciless force. This tsunami was different, because it wasn't a giant seawall. This tsunami was called abrupt change.

     This wave of disruption took away people that we loved and cared about to unknown places. Some of the survivors have changed forever...their lives impacted in ways that at times we cannot even describe. There is fear, sadness, insecurity, and mistrust. The landscape forever changed. I am surprised by the reaction of the survivors, myself included. I see us avoiding the "talk", isolating and expecting the next blow...the aftermath.

     It's very sad how the appointed believe they can accomplish change when they treat it as a step. Change is a process and for it to be effective, people need to be ready to change. Change isn't something you can push down someone's throat without choking them. There are stages to go through.What happened to the work of  Prochaska and DiClemente? What happened with the five stages of change- pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation/action, maintenance, termination and recycling?

     Before any endeavor takes place, readiness to change needs to be assessed.  When those steps are not taken into account people may experience serious distress, acute stress reactions and they may exhibit resistance. By neglecting the process the risk of losing great people increases.

     Sometimes I think that the ones gone are lucky, since they don't have to experience the daily struggles to survive the day. I am not able to confirm that, since they are not around to answer my questions.

     I strongly believe that agencies have the responsibility to provide an environment that is healthy, and fertile so people could flourish. If they hold back the nutrients and resources they are failing us...

     How can we provide services and meet someone's needs if our own needs aren't met? How can we jump the lake without getting wet, or the swamp without getting mud on our clothes?

     Let's brace ourselves for the unknown...
    

An Eventful Night!

Today I had my family over for a summer cookout. When I say family, I don't mean my kids. I use family in the Latino sense. 

My life is so complicated, at times absorbed by work, and school; and my family brings such great simplicity that places everything into perspective.

We ate, we laughed, we almost cried and some almost fought ...  a normal family.

At the end of the night all the adults sat around the living room, some on the couches and some on the floor. In that space that is hardly used I had the core of my upbringing, I had the ones that helped become the woman that I am today. It was like having a treasure right there in front of my eyes...my mom, my grandma, my uncles, my aunts and my cousin. We told stories of passion, pain, suffering, courage, love and above all... family.

By listening to the stories I realized the impact that my family had  and still have in my life and the way I raise my children. I saw  courage,  strong will to go on despite the obstacles. I saw the great passion placed in relationships and the pain experienced after they end. I saw open wounds that still bleed occasionally. I heard about adultery and how a marriage became stronger after it. I heard about forgiveness, and motherhood. I heard how one have been there for the other in times of pain and suffering to help carry their load. Right there I reaffirmed how lucky I am to be born in this family. I also realized that I want to do this more often because I don't do it enough. I want to be a hoarder of memories, and allow moments like this to take my breath away... many more times.


We are not perfect, but we are perfectly imperfect. This family is like a forest, there are different trees but they all bring beauty to the scenery. Everyone is purposeful and beautiful in their own way. The most important thing is to accept each other as we are because we all have a story behind us and we need to create the forum for those stories to be told.  

Misery

Misery

There are so many situations that I don't understand.

Perhaps, the Superior Being has a big plan.

There is chaos around me and I can't be still.

When will this storm cease?

While looking around I just realized,

that I am standing alone in this demise.

So much destruction, so much pain.

How can I make it go away?

It's hard to bring comfort to the broken soul,

when I don't know how to make them whole.

There is no drug that I could give,

that will cure their misery.

How can I impact the human race,

when I don't think I am that brave. 

Some days I feel a tornado has sucked me in,

and I am just screaming to be set free.

I wish I have all the power to create change, 

so I could make their pain go away.

Since I don't have magical powers, 

I will continue to listen and hold their hand while they are crying.

by Maribel Ortiz

What is love?

I have befriended someone that I admire and look forward to share stories with twice a week. Kind of Tuesdays and Thursdays with.... He reminds me of my best friend from childhood who passed away several years ago. They both have a relaxed demeanor that is appealing and make people gravitate towards them.  He's that type of person who makes anyone feel at ease, never judgmental with a sound opinion of the environment. He is a good story teller that always leave the listener wanting to hear more.

Couple of weeks ago we were chatting and suddenly we were in deep conversation, so deep that I almost drown when one of his questions took me by surprise. "What is love?" That sounds pretty easy and without hesitation I started to answer about what is love for the world, but he stopped me and asked, "no I meant what is love for you?" My mind went blank, and I started feeling like a hamster on a wheel. I was moving but not going anywhere. I started answering and then realized that all that bull shit sounded like a business transaction, and not a love definition.

I haven't had a "normal" relationship since I separated from my ex-husband in September 2007. Yeah, soon will be five years. Since it's been so long, did I forget what love is? Did I forget how it feels? Am I avoiding the "L" talk? I don't know the answer to those questions, or perhaps I don't care to find out. I believe his question created a chain of thoughts that still going, building a chain that will never end.

I don't need a man to love me so I could be happy. At some I will want a man to share my life with. I am in a place in which I feel complete, and realized and I am in love with life, with my kids, with my family, my profession and my schooling. Love is love no matter the source. Some people may think I am missing out but I am not, because love not only comes with nice things, but also ugly ones. I don't miss the snoring in my ear, the extra laundry, the schedule hoarder, the adviser, etc...

I had experienced love and the memories (some of them) are so rich that still bring a smile to my face.
I guess love is not so easy to define because its relative to each person. If I ask 20 people they will all have a different definition and they will all be right. I came across a writing from Paulo Coelho that said; "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." I like that definition...

I have too many questions and not many answers... "Life is too short to be wasted in finding answers. Enjoy the questions!"

Free Time

Free Time

Sitting home all relaxed,

but suddenly I went mad.

Something was wrong, out of whack,

what is it? I don't know what.

My bed is clear, my head is too.

There is no homework to do.

That's what is, what's out of whack.

I have time, the one I haven't had.

I will enjoy it, I will sure do.

I will reconnect, I will see you soon.

I will work out and will eat out.

I will sleep and sing out loud.

I will probably do my happy dance,

as soon as I have a chance.

I will dance like no one's watching,

because I know this will soon be passing.

Author Maribel Ortiz

Shortcomings or strenghts

   A few days ago I went to a workshop titled "Forgiveness in Psychotherapy". Those hours were emotional and powerful. The speaker was so great that he helped us go inside ourselves and see what wounds we still have open and how we were doing in the complex process of forgiveness. I will describe that emotional journey in another entry because today I want to focus in the things that I have taken for granted.

     During the meeting I was sitting next to man, who was deaf. He was able to get the information spoken with the help of a stenographer. The stenotype operator wrote everything for him to keep him informed and he read it from the computer screen in front of him. At that moment I realized that I have taken my hearing for granted. He probably read the words, but he missed the musical sound of speech, the emotion in the words, the different accents that helps us create stories. How blessed I am that I can hear. I saw how difficult it was for him to communicate with others, because he had to read lips and we were not aware at all times of our positioning.

     In the next table there was another gentleman that was bound to a wheelchair. I thought of how many things he is missing. I am so blessed that I can make full use of my legs, that I can go hiking, that I can dance, that I can move around my office. I love the sense of freedom and independence that walking allows me to enjoy.





  Today I was walking outside while waiting for my brother to give me a ride back home. It was cold and windy, and those 15 minutes felt eternal. I started to look around for interesting things to take pictures of. I looked down the bridge and saw the camp of a homeless person. I immediately thought how blessed I was. How can someone survive and enjoy life under such circumstances? I  felt guilty because even though I am not a big complainer I have complained sometimes about not having a bigger kitchen with granite countertops, or a sun room, or more space in the bathroom, or new vinyl siding. I realized that I am blessed by not having to be at the mercy of nature, by not having the fear of being arrested because of camping on illegal grounds. I am blessed because at night I can go home.

     It may sound redundant, but I need to emphasized that I have a blessed life. When I was a kid we didn't have excess but we didn't lack anything. I never saw myself as poor because everyone around me was on the same situation, so I didn't know different. My backyard was the whole barrio, my family was the whole neighborhood, we probably didn't have a lot of money but I had a rich childhood. I have been blessed with the gift of health. All my senses are intact, I can see the beauty that surrounds me, I can hear my children's laughter and the emotion in their words, I can go places without help....Oh God I am blessed! I can't say that the people I mentioned aren't. I don't even see their limitation as a shortcoming, because they have overcome it and they have accomplished what many people couldn't believe they will. Even the homeless, because not everyone could survive under those conditions. I see all three as an example of strength.

     Please be thankful everyday for the gifts life or the Superior Being has given you. Life sometimes gets rough, but by no means should we forget that those issues are temporary and life goes on.