Fall in its finest

     I went hiking today and I witnessed Fall in its finest gala. The colors were so inviting, the naked trees gave way to a view that was hidden before. The crisp air, the carpet of leaves and the sound of the branches as I stepped on was a wonderful experience.

     As every time that I am surrounded by nature I felt free. Nature help us keep things into perspective. Since this type of beauty its hard to describe with words I recorded my journey with pictures.





Prisioners of Our Past

     Today I spent some time talking to a beautiful older woman, with such a kind soul that mesmerized me. She caught my attention because behind all the great hair, the perfectly coordinated outfit and  her down to earth personality I saw sadness. Perhaps I wasn't able to get disconnected from my work role, but my curiosity grew by the minute.

    We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".

    I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean?  Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
  
    She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me  that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability.  Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.

   It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.

  The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....


"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
                                              Victor Hugo

A Mother's Guilt

    I have a son that is 9 years old, and he is the sunshine in my life. He is my youngest. He is spoiled by me and his three sisters, to the point that at times he seems to want to run away. He has to live in a household of girls (me and his two sisters). I have noticed that he seemed kind of lonely and isolative. One day I decided to get him a special friend.
  
    On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he  called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.

    Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.

     That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation.  I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.  

   Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).

    If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.

    I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!

The Face of Pain

   On October 7  was the wake for my friend's son. Writing this sounds weird, unnatural, not right. It is a disruption of the chain of life when parents have to bury their children. Why did he had to go?  Is the question that many of us had. I don't know the answer, but I am aware that as scary as it sounds we are not exempt of being the chosen one. It could happen to any of us, we just pray that our children get spare.

   He looked so handsome but the spirit of happiness that defined him had left him. I was only able to say good bye to his body, the temple that kept all his goodness and soul for 23 years. He looked at peace, pleased, like he knew how loved he was. I can't say that he is in a better place, because there is no better place for our children to be than close to us.

 When I looked at my friend and her husband I was impacted. They had the face of pain. It looked familiar, because I have seen it before.  I saw it  up close and it scared me. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Their pain was so big that engulfed me. Of course I am not saying that I was able to feel what they were feeling. For the first time since we became friends I had no clue what they were going through. I was puzzled and experience a great feeling of impotence. I wanted to run away, not from the situation but from the pain that I was afraid to experience.
 
 I looked a t my kids and I felt that they realized they were not invincible. I wanted them to continue to believe that they are. 


  I know that Alfy is at peace because he lived, because he loved and he was loved. He left a mark on all of us....a deep one. He will never be forgotten.

Rest In Peace Alfredo Alexis Trejo aka Alfredito.

Frustration

How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people?  



How can I feel so neglected if I am supposedly surrounded by people that take care of my needs?




How can I feel so unsupported, when others think they are providing great support?




How can I feel so unaccepted, when people say they love me the way I am?




How can I feel so angry when I am supposed to feel happy?




How can I feel so unloved when I hear I love you almost every day?




How can I go out and then wished I didn't?


     I remember better times, when my life was so easy. When did it get complicated? I don't like complications, unless they are meaningful ones. I do have to say that in the midst of all the frustration that I am experiencing I see what's good in my life. I have four wonderful children that balance me out every day. When I look into their eyes all my frustrations go away. They give my life such a meaningful purpose. When I am with them I feel like the most special person in the world....or may be the universe if I want to count the alien population.
   
  
  
  

Suicide

Did you know that in the year 2007 they were 34,598 lives lost to suicide in United States alone? This are completed suicides because there are no accurate records on attempts that were unsuccessful. This translates to 94.8 suicides per day or 1 suicide every 15.2 minutes.  A preliminary report showed an increase of 4.1% of suicides in young individuals ages 15 to 24 years from 2007 to 2008. Daunting numbers.
    
Suicide is the 11th cause of death in United States. This problem like many other medical problems has no prejudice and crosses all boundaries including but not limited to race, socio-economic, and educational status. Suicide is preventable, and in many occasions the warning signs are ignored because of the stigma around mental illness. Some people believe that talking about suicide will influence behavior in a negative fashion. That is wrong, most people give warning signs because they want help. Individuals that commit suicide in many occasions are looking for a solution to a complex problem and not to end a life. Suicide not only affects the victim but also the ones left behind to make sense of the senseless, to grieve while coping with the deep feelings of guilt that loved ones are left with.

Some of the risk factors are depression-the more episodes of depression the higher the risk; substance abuse also increases the risk of suicide because of the impaired judgement to make sound decisions; males are at higher risk and they also used more lethal violent methods, and a family history of suicide and previous attempts place individuals at higher level risk. People that are experiencing life changes or milestones are at higher risk. For example retirement, divorce, loss of a job, abandonment by a partner. Also children that are bullied at school are at greater risk as well. Indivuals who are coping with gender issues and acceptance are among those at risk as well.


Nobody wants to talk about suicide but we should all have our radar on the alert to identify people at risk and recommend them to seek help. We are losing too many lives and we must try to do our best to lower those numbers. Behind each number there is a story, and we should keep that in mind.  

Some of the suicide warning signs are:
      1) Ideas of dying
      2) Substance abuse
      3) Hopelessness
      3) Reckless behavior
      4) Giving meaningful things away
      5) Mood changes like increased depression or anger
      6) Feeling trapped like there is no way out
Today my life was touched by suicide. I found out that one my providers had ended his life. I was devastated to find out. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation that he must have felt to take his own life. He was a well balanced, successful individual. I hope that his soul is resting in peace, that peace that he was not able to find while he was alive.


Note: The statistics on this blog were taken from the American Association of Suicidology and they are latest national numbers available.    http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/stats-and-tools/statistics

The Devolution of Customer Service

   What ever happened to customer service? Instead of adopting a process of evolution it has been going through a process of devolution.

   This afternoon I went back to the university bookstore. I didn't have any other option, but revisiting this semester's torture chamber- at least for me. It brought back memories of my previous visit in which I went to inquire about my book order and one employee told me "it will come eventually". After that encounter my plan was to return that book when it finally arrive, and get it somewhere else. Today, I was trying to pick up "the book" that arrived on September 12th. I placed the order in August 30th through their online service. I have never used their online service before, so I made the assumption that it will be like an Amazon.com type experience. Not really!

  After I arrived I had to wait to be acknowledge. It seemed like the piled boxes deserved better treatment and prompt attention. When I was finally greeted I explained the reason for my visit. A very polite lady asked me to follow her. She was going to try to find my order which was in the towers of boxes that were leaning against the wall. They were hundreds of boxes and bags, and nobody thought of putting them in an ordinal manner to facilitate retrieval. They were in disarray. I guess respect for people's time isn't included in the book price.

   After the search came back empty she called the manager. Here comes a red head woman (not a natural one), with a medium frame. Her severe demeanor told me that things were going to be changing pretty quickly. She gave me a look that made feel like I was under attack. In a loud and rude manner-just like she was talking to the world- she asked me "why are you returning the book?" I answered because it is two weeks late and I bought it somewhere else. In an angry manner, she said, "well, you will have to wait until we go through all the boxes to be able to process the transaction."  If you ever saw the movie Monster-in-Law, you might be able to remember when Jeniffer Lopez had this fantasy of slamming her future mother-in-law's head against a table. I had a similar thought, but I am aware that violence isn't a good conflict resolution technique. In my polite self I remained cool.

   I was rescued by the first lady I encountered, and she took my information to process the return at a later time. I am very grateful that she treated me like I was human. Shouldn't good customer service be part of every business transaction? Who do we complaint when the department head abuses customers? Can compliants make a difference? My way of complaining is that I will never buy anything at the bookstore. It will probably not make such a great impact in their business but it will in  my mental sanity. I will go and spend my money in a place that respects me and my time. It is very sad to see this type of behavior in an academic institution. Shouldn't we be an example to others?
 

My Journey as a Single Woman

     I have been single since September 2007. It was bittersweet when my marriage ended but absolutely the right decision to make. At that time the road only had one way...OUT. Sometimes love isn't enough, and we have to be smart enough to realize that. Back then, the single life ahead scared the hell out of me, and I think I am still freaked out because I am still single. I keep telling everyone that it is by choice, but is that true? I don't know.

     Being single isn't so glamorous. My social life has been impacted because most of my friends are in a stable relationship. I can't go out with them without feeling that I shouldn't be there, or experiencing guilt because I am keeping them away from their partners. It bothers me that I feel left out, and sometimes I wish there was a place where I could go and rent a boyfriend for a day, or even a few hours. Despite those feelings, I am happy that they have found their soulmates. Well, some of them, others just found a man.

     I have been divorced twice and have been in love several times. I have loved with all I had, but here I am almost 4 years later still single and spending my Friday evenings watching Dateline. Am I a love reject? In the time that I have been single I have dated two wonderful guys. The first one helped me get up when I was down, and that was a year after I separated and I will be forever grateful, he has a special place in my heart. The second one I believed was (maybe I still do) my soulmate but the relationship had too many obstacles that hindered growth, and it suffocated. I think it is agonizing...refusing to die. He is the smartest guy I have ever met, and stubborn as hell. I learned a lot from him, but I treasured those memories so much that will keep them just for me.

     As you may see,  after two divorces I am not considered a love expert. I don't believe my divorces were failures. They were only relationships that had an expiration date. They were both very important people to whom I will always be connected. We were great people, but not meant for each other. I strongly believe that every person that comes to your life have a very specific purpose that sometimes isn't clear in plain sight, but will become clear as the time goes by.

     Do I really want a boyfriend? Maybe... I know for fact that I don't need one. I don't need another half because I am complete. I want someone that brings himself to me happy, like I am. Someone independent, free spirit, outside of the box thinker, respectful (non-negotiable), loyal (non-negotiable), faithful(non-negotiable), loving to my kids who are my life (could be a deal breaker if absent), respectful of my time and the profession that I love, able to adapt to my crazy life, able to deal with my obsessions and compulsions, able to deal with the scrutiny of three teenage daughters (well 2 and a 21 year old one), someone that loves me just the way I am. In other words I don't want a fixer upper.

     In my circle I am an outlier. I could hear people around me talking and questioning "why is she still single?", "she must have issues". I even got the "are you lesbian?" question. I don't know what my sexual orientation would have to do with being single because lesbians date, and as far as I know that isn't considered a defect that results in perpetual singlehood. Society scares me. Many people really believe that a woman cannot be happy without a partner. Some days I feel like I am living in the time of Noah and the ark's door is almost closing, so I should rush and get a mate before it does, to avoid being left out to drown in the waters of loneliness. Where do I go to find a good mate? Should I go to Market Basket, or maybe Hannaford?, The library? To church? Should I enter the men's room by mistake and just play dumb?

     It hasn't been easy to find a good candidate that will love me and my four children. Am I too independent to tolerate a man, or for a man to tolerate me? Am I too demanding? Am I like the Kelly Clarkson song..."I never stray too far from the side walk"?, Am I afraid to get hurt?

     I think I know why I am still single.... because I am not willing to lower my expectations, because I am not settling for average, because I know that if I wait the right person for me will come, and because I have a crazy schedule between my two jobs, my four children, and my doctorate student role that doesn't allow me time to explore what could be out there for me.

     By no means I want you to think that I am just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right, because that isn't what modern independent women does. I will continue to enjoy my life everyday, like that is my last chance, like there is no tomorrow.

PS: Maybe I found Mr. Right already and I haven't realized it.

My Quest for the Perfect Church

   For some time now (several years), I have been looking for a church to attend regularly but without being pressured ro become a member. For some reason I feel like I have to go to church to be able to complete the spiritual experience. Who knows if in my quest I will find out that I don't.

   I grew up in a Pentecostal church but I do not feel comfortable attending one as an adult, because of their rigid rules. I started questioning my childhood teachings when I went out to college. I attended a Catholic private university. The community was diverse in terms of religious beliefs and that opened up my eyes. Some of the beliefs I was raised under I don't agree with, well maybe most of what I was told I don't believe in. I grew up in fear, because God was to be fear. As a kid that worked but as a grown up I don't want to follow God because I am scared of the punishment. I want something deeper.

   I do believe in God. I have a personal relationship with the Superior Being. I have experienced first hand the power of that connection. I have to say that I disagree with the way most Christian churches practice, since there is more weigh put into praying than action; love is shown to their fellow members but it doesn't seem to spread outside of the church walls. Each church feel they have the absolute truth, and feel they have the right to judge others and even determine who will be saved and who will not.  They preach love but that love is conditional. Conditional to what? ....to their rules, and dogmas.


  During my quest, I have visited most of the Christian churches in my city, since that is familiar territory.  I went to a church in which they so many cliques that I wanted to run out within the first 10 minutes. They were a great example of not living what they preach. Other ones were so boring that I had a hard time staying awake. But most importantly I went out feeling the same way as I went in. So I kept looking. I want to be in a place in which people preach with their actions. What's the point of having an experience that will not have an effect in my life?


  This morning I went out to visit a new church. This is a Universalist Church. Way out of my comfort zone. Quite a different experience. Got there early and was welcome by a loving woman, that was full of energy and she was about 20 years older than me. She told me that during the summer the services are more informal. This format made it obvious for everyone that I was there as the only new person. Everyone was dressed like they were going to the park, so I was overdressed. Despite that I didn't feel uncomfortable. I couldn't ignore the fact that God was never mention during the service. Maybe they knew He was there, just like when you omit the subject while writing a sentence. There was no prayer or singing, but there was a sense of community, peace, and love in the air. I felt so welcome. They had a speaker, not a preacher that spoke about the Gross National Happiness in Bhutan and how it has impacted us in USA. Quite interesting. I learned a lot, since I have never heard of the country of Bhutan to begin with.

   Have I found "The Church"?  I don't know yet. I will go again next Sunday. I like the principles in which they practice which are "democracy, integrity, continuing education, and individual responsibility..." Also the fact that they promote individual  thinking. I don't want to feel like I am in cult and that I am suppose to follow without questioning or challenging.

  I am aware of how sensitive the topic of religion is, and I hope I haven't offend anyone by expressing my opinion, since its based on my personal experience which may differ from everyone else. It will be interesting to hear the experience of others.

The Garden

     Today, I decided to work in my garden. I have placed plants all over the yard in a way that no matter where I am sitting I will be able to enjoy them. It is a delight to see the beauty of its colors, shapes, textures and breathe their aroma. From the distance I noticed that there were some dry leaves, and weeds growing in the flower beds. These invaders distracts the eye and take the attention away from what should be the center of the garden. If I don't take care of this problem the plants will start to die since they have to share the soil nutrients.  
   
     As I was weeding the flower beds I started thinking about my Life Garden. Do I put the same effort in keeping it beautiful? Am I as vigilant to notice when a weed is growing? When was the last time that I weed it out? I can't remember when was the last time that I weed out my Life Garden, so it must have been a long time ago.
   
     We all have weeds in our Life Garden. Instead of chlorophyll producing creatures they present in a different manner. These weeds are labeled resentment, pain, hurt, bad relationships, bad friendships, mean co-workers, bad jobs, domestic abuse, anger, intolerance, etc.
   
     Why haven't I cleaned my Life Garden in such a long time? Am I afraid to not be able to discern the weeds from the good plants? Or perhaps, I don't have the courage to remove the weeds that I have identified?  Maybe I got into that zone in which I reached a false sense of complacency?

     In our Life Garden there are some weeds that are deceiving and they may look beautiful, strong, and have great flowers that temporarily add beauty to our garden but, are they worth keeping them knowing that they are toxic to the rest of the plants in the long term?
   
    Since I don't know how to do it on my own, I am going to ask for help from the Superior Being, the one that planted me in this earth to bloom and produce fruits. I decided to write my own prayer and it may read like this;
                              Dear God, a while back you planted me in this beautiful planet called Earth.

You put me in charge of my life, and I dont' know if I am doing a great job. You gave freedom to make choices, and I am not sure if my choices have been the best ones.

You gave me a Life Garden to watch over.

Some days, I look at it and I don't see it producing the fruits that I was expecting.

At times I notice weeds, and dry leaves. Sometimes severe weather conditions had created chaos and left everything in disarray.
I believe that they are some things in my Life Garden that might be stopping my growth.

I want you to grant me a few tools so I could make my Life Garden beautiful and productive again.

I want to be wise to be able to identify what is negatively affecting my life.  I want to have courage to remove from life those "things: that I identify.

 I want compassion so I could remove those "things" with love.

I want gentleness so I don't remove the good plants while removing the weeds.  

     I want strength so after I have cleaned my Life Garden I could move forward realizing that did the right thing. 

Amen

         When was the last time that you clean your garden?

 

The Jouney

    On Saturday, July 9 I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. In part due to my own problems and also because I have seen few of my closest friends in great pain during the last two months. That morning I decided to go for a hike all by myself. I have never been hiking alone, perhaps I am aware of my lacking sense of direction, and getting lost is my biggest fear. I am also aware that one of the biggest obstacles for success is fear. This feeling paralyzes people, and I didn't want to be included in that group.
    Exercise outdoors always relaxes and grounds me...so away I went.  I prepared by backpack with some extra weight to make my walk a little harder, and I dressed with courage.


   
     This is a view of the hill that was waiting for me. I immediately regret those extra pounds I was carrying inside my back, but it was too late to go back. 

 




Being alone made me the captain so I decided to explore unfamiliar territory. What was the challenge if I decided to go with the routine? As usual I did my own thing.




With every step I took I felt a weigh lifted off my shoulders. Just like the commercial I saw all my worries flying away.  I had planned to leave them in the woods, and make them part of the scenery. Worries are parasites, they will die without the adequate host.




Every sight was more beautiful than the previous one.



I had to stop and allow this image to sink in.

When I saw this plant with a broken piece, I couldn't help thinking about human resilience.  Why it is so much easier for plants to heal themselves than for humans to heal from their pain?  



I saw new growth despite the adversity, and that means hope.  





Around this area I realized that I was lost.  I knew I was going to get lost, it was just a matter of time. I wasn't born with an internal GPS. I went around some trails twice, and I was frustrated. I was hungry and I realized that I didn't bring a snack despite my history of frequent low blood sugars. I got scared and cried, but I didn't know if I was crying because I was lost or because being lost gave the chance to process what brought me there...emotional pain.





This is my favorite picture of all, and the sight I hate missing every time I hike in this park. Its a great combination of beautiful and not so beautiful, just like life. Both elements are perfectly combined to create this breath taking view.



My complaint about this map, is that the legend is missing the "you are here" part. For me it wasn't helpful.

Do you see that sandy patch at the end? That is the street and what a beautiful sight that was. Close to reaching this area, I realize that my blood sugar was going down because my perception of things was a little off. I made it, just on time. I think God was probably watching over me, so despite thinking that I was alone...I never felt completely alone. This hike took me two hrs, and I realized that there are no limits when you set your goals, and that taking detours in life isn't always a negative thing. It may take longer to get to the destination, but at the end life is all about the journey.  

This is the end of my journey. It was nice to see the trail behind me. I went loaded and came out feeling light and relieved. I accomplished my task in several ways and one of them is that I didn't allow fear to intimidate me. I will do again...very soon.

The Power of the Spoken Word

     I have never been a big woman, and I seriously mean that. I have a small 5 ft. frame and look like I am shorter than that. I have a healthy body weight, and I think I have a good level of fitness. I eat great, and exercise almost daily. Within the last year I went from a size 2 to a size 4. Most people didn't notice the difference. This morning I encountered a woman that did, and  in a very odd way she made reference to my weight gain and my new size. Is that only in America that a size four is fat? I allowed that comment to bother me, and that bothered me even more than the comment itself. That comment was like sepsis, it starts slowly but it could be deadly. The vector injected its toxin this morning and I chose to become the carrier for the whole day.
     I am using my blog not to vent anger, because the damage didn't go that far, but to remind my friends and myself about the power of the spoken word. There is a quote that I like that says "we see things not the way they are, but the way we are". It is amazing how sometimes we believe that we have the right to intrude into someone else's life and give unwanted advice. There is an air of arrogance when we give an opinion and immediately assumed they we are correct. Do we have to say everything that comes to mind and make a fool of ourselves?  Is it worth it to risk a relationship because we wanted to express our opinion?

    I am a believer that our body is our temple and we should preserve it and cherish it. Can we tell people how how to protect their temple? No, because everyone will do that the way they find appropriate, and fitting to their lifestyle. Just be mindful of the power of the words, since they are like a loaded weapon. Do you want to use it to protect, or to kill? The choice is yours, so are are the consequences.

   From my instant Karma book I will share some thoughts with you:
         1) avoid adopting other's negative behavior
         2) surround yourself with inspiration
         3) have no doubts
         4) give confidence to others
         5) teach by example
         6) make it a point to be happy where you are
   An from my heart - love yourself, even when the world hates you. Next time I see this woman, I will  pause and tell her how great she looks.

   Just as a final thought, she probably meant phat which means wonderful and terrific. What do you think? Am i being too positive? Oh, well I have to say that in positive energy I am a plus size and proud of it.

Happy Father's Day to my Mother

     It's Father's day and I don't know who should I congratulate on this day. I wasn't blessed with a great father. Should I called him because of protocol?  As this  day goes by it is a reminder of all the beautiful things I didn't experience. I can't say that I missed anything because, how can I miss what I never had?
I know that as I was growing up something was different. I never saw my father in any school activity, or my sixth grade graduation when I received my high honors medal. He wasn't there for any teacher - parent conference, or when I was sick, or when a boy broke my heart for the first time. My father wasn't there to walk me down the aisle when I married. I don't even think he remembers the day I was born, because he has never said happy birthday. He was physically in my life but absent in all other possible ways.

    So, who do I congratulate on this special day? The answer is easy, I will congratulate my mother who has always been there for me since I remember. She took the role of father and mother and did it gracefully. I will congratulate my grandfather Joaquin, who was always there for me and went to heaven too soon. I always wished he was my dad. I will congratulate my brothers who protect me and love without limits, and who chose a different approach to parenthood. Also my grandmother Emilia who always believed in me even when I messed up.

     I had a great family who always made me feel like I had it all, and as an adult I realized that I did...I had and have it all.
  
    Not everything was bad about my dad, he taught me a great lesson. From him I learned the type of a parent that I shouldn't be. I want to make my children a priority in my life. I don't want to be average, I want to be great. They will never have to feel alone, because I will always be with them. I feel sad for my dad because he missed out in so many things that will never come back, because there isn't a second chance. I am not angry or bitter, I had forgiven him a long time ago.

    I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to my mother and to my brothers who are the kind of father that every kid will want to have.

  

  
  

A Remarkable Woman

    At the end of the year 2001 I met a woman that forever changed my life. She was my biggest support during my son's pregnancy when things were not going well. She was there through my separation from my husband and my divorce. I never felt alone, and I always knew she was near. She is much older than me but when we are together the age gap dissipates and we are just two woman. Sometimes she says I am like her daughter, but I have never seen her as such. She is more like a big sister, a wonderful one. We misbehaved together, we guard each other's secret, we push each other to do better, we have each other's back, no matter what. She is one of those woman that you could say was born in a sunny day, because she's always in a great mood. Her personality is always bigger than the space she is in. She hates to be ignored, and I wonder, who can ignore her vibrant personality? We have been together in good times, great times, sad times and very low points of each other's lives. Our relationship is strong. It is one of those relationships in which you are allowed to be who we are. We don't have to pretend, we are free.

     She is always been an open bragging book for her two children- a boy and a girl. I love to hear her stories, because I learned from them and above all because she is a great story teller. She has always been there for her kids- when she was proud and when she wasn't. Her love for them is unconditional.

     Recently I saw my friend in the saddest mood I have ever seen her. She was at her lowest point. Her pain was unimaginable for me. She was experiencing the biggest pain a woman could ever experience. My friend lost her boy. That young man that made her eyes twinkle, and her heart skip a beat, the one who made the best sandwiches, the one that made her laugh, the one that gave her her first grand kids, the one that shook her world, and kept her on her toes.

     At the funeral she spoke about him, and that was such a healing moment. It was powerful to hear a mother talking about her son in such a profound way. He looked as peaceful as he always was, like he was in a deep sleep. I wish I could have awaken him, and give my friend one more day with her loving son. I wish he had the chance to say "I love you ma'" like he always did. I was there, near her all the way until the final good bye. She needed me, and I needed her her. We cried together, we reminisced. I needed to know that she was going to be OK.

     I have to say that I was horrified at people's curiosity and how insensitive some of the comments and questions were- "was it a suicide?", how did he died?, "was it a drug overdose?".   I never had to ask her, because I don't need to know that. Her pain isn't based on the cause of death. What I know is that my friend is in pain and if she wants me to know she will tell me, but she knows she doesn't have to. Seeing her in so much pain brought me back to a book that I read about grieving, and the specific quote said, "My sorrow is so wide/ I cannot see across it;/ And so deep I shall never/ Reach the bottom of it". I know that she will agree with that poem from Rexroth.

     Her son was never alone, and she will never be...because she has me. From my friend I learned how to be a better mother, a better woman, a better professional, a better friend and  just a better person.

     I know that she will be OK, because she is such a strong force and because of all the people that loves her. We are in this difficult journey together.

Deja vu

     So you could understand my story I have to tell you that I have been married twice, and have one daughter from my first marriage and three children from my second.

     When my sixteen year old daughter was about five we had a discussion about her older sister visiting her father in Puerto Rico for summer vacation. When she heard that, her cute little face changed. She had the look of horror. That innocent comment created great commotion and confusion. She couldn't understand the concept that I was previously married, and that her older sister and her had a different biological father. She continued to process that information for days. She wanted to feel connected to her sister and she assumed my ex-husband was her father also. One morning she told her father, "dad, I am going to Puerto Rico with my real family". Her father's face was priceless. the mess in head grew bigger when she in her little head she thought that my first husband's children were mine and that I had abandoned them, so she needed to reunite. What a mess she had created in her head, or did I create the mess when I re-married and had more children? It's a matter of perspective. She finally understood and now we could laugh about it.

     I thought that was all over but a few days ago my son - now 8- overheard my oldest daughter talking about a trip to Puerto Rico to visit her father. My son made a comment about his father, and they told him the truth..."you and I don't have the same dad".  He's been in a state of shock since, and still can't believe that is real, he thinks someone is playing a bad joke on him. He still processing the information given. I am wondering what is going on inside his head. He probably thinks I abandoned some kids in Puerto Rico. Or maybe he will tell me that he will move away with his real family. I don't know why we as adults  make life so complicated to cause children to go through such stressful moments.

    It's interesting to see how both kids had the same reaction eleven years apart. After he recovers from the shock of the news we'll laugh about it, as of now he still working on it. I am happy that I am not having any more kids because I don't want to go through this once more.

A Proud Moment

     It's mothers day and I am not thinking of myself, but about my kids. It is because of them I have this label of Mother, that I carry with pride.
    Since I have children I had many proud moments, and I recently enjoyed another one. On May 6  I went to the Senior Art Show at Emmanuel College and was impressed with my daughter's thesis which was on display. Her work reflected the intense process she went through. It was impressive!

    She had made a book titled "Letters from No One". On the wall there there was a quote to describe her project and it said:  "People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is that the only place they ever needed to search is within." Ramona L. Anderson

     The book contained 15 anonymous letters that described difficult relationships and portrayed different degrees of abuse and trauma. Then she had 15 pictures to represent those letters. The depth of the letters was unbelievable and they were a great example of human resiliency. The pictures were even more powerful.

     I then realized that my daughter has grown up so much since that day that I helped her move into the dorm at her college. There was the realization of this fantastic transformation, a complete metamorphosis. She isn't a girl anymore, she is a wonderful woman. There is so much of me in her, and so much of her in me.

     I am so proud of my daughter Stephanie, because she is able to be herself, to realize her dreams, to make her own choices, to create a life that she is happy with, to use my teachings and adapt them to her own needs, she is above the influence. Now she will be graduating in May 14 and I will be there to celebrate that milestone, and to show her that she makes me a very proud mother.  

     To my beautiful Stephanie I need to apologize because her being my first born, she thaugt me as she grew and I made so many mistakes that still bring tears to my eyes. I  made all the possible mistakes and more with her.  I wish I had her witty when I was her age. She is such a great example to her sibblings, and myself, and I love that she is my daughter.

Evolution

I was recently honored with an invitation by Professor King to be part of a panel of experts to speak at U- Mass Lowell. The theme of the night was Culture Care. The big event was last night.
It was my first time speaking in front of such a big crowd. There were over 150 people in attendance. Also in attendance were my clinical, my research, and my doctorate advisors. It was the first time I spoke in front of my professors in my professional role. I was the expert, not the novice. They were going to be learning from me.

As we enjoy the events of the night, and before I spoke I went back in time to when I started nursing school. I had big dreams. I was a shy, kind of nerdy young woman who was terrified of public speaking. I remembered the moment in which I chose to be a psychiatric nurse. That decision came after I met a patient that changed my life. She was my assigned case in the psychiatric hospital in where I did my rotation. She never knew how much she had impacted my professional destiny. Her body was frail, but her message to me was as powerful as they come. I remembered that professor that forced me to have sleepless nights studying, and the one that recommended me to be a professor in the area of mental health. Memories of my master's program followed and I remembered one of my advisors, and I felt like I heard her voice saying: "You could create movement by being still". She did, she had such great impact in my life as well.

In grad school I was one of a kind -maybe a novelty- since they were no more Latinos enrolled. I had the pressure to perform. I had to prove that I could do it and I did.

As I was walking to the podium I felt like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. I have evolved into a confident professional that could be called an expert.What a proud moment. I was able to see the look of approval in my professor's eyes as I spoke.  I felt proud to represent Latinas, to represent Puertoricans, to represent my nursing school, to represent U-Mass, and more important to represent myself and what I am capable of accomplishing. I have grown quite much since that first nursing class. The most important thing is that I am humble about all this and never have forgotten that I am the product of a great family in which strong woman were the norm. I felt in love with nursing and that love is stronger than ever.

I will never forget that moment when I took the microphone and didn't need cue cards, or notes...I was standing on my own.

Lost in Papers

Did I forget I am a blogger? No way, my classes has kept me hostage. I have been a victim of modern slavery, and the worse part is that I am paying to be a slave.

I am looking around and my bed looks like a disaster zone. Maybe an atomic bomb exploded in it last night and I didn't notice. Am I that numb? Instead of fire and smoke there is a mountain of papers, books, pens, research reports, journal articles, markers, and other school supplies. There are also items that I can't recognized, and perhaps I should. My mind is so full that I am constantly pushing things out to accommodate new ones.  My mind feels as disorganized as my bed. I am ready to see the end and is close, very close.

Despite all, I had a new experience. The only threesome I had in my life happened this semester when I slept with two text books. Exciting, isn't it?

As I am reaching the end of the semester there is a feeling of exhaustion, mentally and physically. I have noticed that the amount of knowledge isn't the only area of my life that has increased. I noticed that my upper and lower back hurts, probably because of the several extra pounds that I am carrying on my upper  and my lower body.  This is called collateral damage, because it's not supposed to be happening but seems to be unavoidable. Students, we are such an oppressed group.

Despite all the stressors of this semester, I am happy and proud of my accomplishments. I am one step closer to my doctorare degree...a gift that I am giving to myself and a legacy that I will leave my children. What is that legacy? ...never give up, don't be afraid of challenges, follow your dreams, never allow anyone to put obstacles on your path, don't be afraid to dream and deam big remembering that unless you take the journey dreams don't come true. Without action dreams are only a thought.

A moment of Insanity

    Getting ready to work out  I realized that all my yoga pants were gone. Also my pajama pants are missing, along with my aeropostale boots. A great mystery since no one has seen them.

    A few days later I see my 16 year old daughter looking great. Her style was so appealing, so well put together. I have to say that she always looks great, but there was something different.  Where the heck did she get those clothes? Then I realized from where she got them, No she didn't buy them not steal them. They were mine, she found them in my closet. She looked great on my green jacket and my flower print flats. I asked when did you get those, and she said "about three months ago, found them in your closet."
  
    Friday night, as my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a sleepover. As I entered my bedroom, she asked me, can I wear your zebra print tank top?  I hesitated for a moment, because that is one of a kind, then said, yeah go ahead. She then responded, "I already have it on, under my sweatshirt. Do you think it fits well?" She goes further and goes into forbidden territory- my shoe closet. She pulled out my zebra print shoes, yeah, those with the giant silver buckle. They are beautiful, and they have never been worn. She asked, "can I wear them?  They will look great with the black leggings, and  my black cardigan. I agree that they will look great. She looked beautiful in them.  Then she goes back in my closet and pull out a cashmere cardigan. At that second I had a moment of insanity. My mind clouded, I couldn't think. She said "this will look great with my other outfit".
   
    For a moment my I thought I was in a bad dream, and the worse part was is when I realized I wasn't. My daughters (all three) have a great sense of style, and it's nice that two of them find some of clothes cool enough for them to wear. 

    I guess I should be happy that my teenage children are able to fit in my clothes after I had 4 children. That last sentence felt good, real good.

Stress, stress, and more stress

What is stress? Dictionary.com says,  "is physical, mental or emotional strain". What is strain?  Dictionary.com says it is "to stretch beyond a proper point or limit".

What do I think stress is?

Stress is...going to bed and dreaming about the schoolwork that you haven't complete yet.

Stress is...spending a Friday night reading a chapter on Operations Research Techniques and Interpretation.

Stress is...going to bed with a book, or worse than that... two books.

Stress is...having to get up on a Saturday and Sunday morning like you are going to work to be able to
               complete your schoolwork by deadline.

Stress is... when your professor points out that in your posting you confused decision analysis with another
                evaluation method.
          
Stress is...when your professor announces that you have to bring a SWOT analysis to the next class and you
               don't even know what that is.

Stress is...having a paper due on Wednesday and haven't start the research yet.

Stress is...forgetting that your children will be on vacation for a week and not making any plans for them.
   
    For the last two weeks I have experience what stress is. Not that I've never had, but I've experienced it in another level. I have been push and pulled in all possible directions. I have been up and down. My body have been tested. I have been trying to function at full capacity. I have been sleep deprived. I found out how it feels to be caffeine intoxicated after drinking about 10 cups of coffee a day to be able to accomplish what was expected of me. The worse isn't over yet, but let me tell you a secret... I wouldn't like it any other way.  The only thing I regret is that I will not get the Mom of the Year Award.

Impotence

Yesterday, I went to my son's Inventions Play at his elementary school. As always, the kids put so much effort and were able to put a great and entertaining show.

Despite all the positive energy I had a deep feeling of sadness and impotence. While getting ready I received a call for my son. It was his father. Apparently my boy had called his father the night before to invite him to the show, and he left a message since the call wasn't answered. When my son brought me back the phone I was able to read the look of disappointment on his face. I asked him, what's the matter?, and he responded, "he said he is going to try" . I knew what that meant, since I've heard that response many times before. I just wanted to hug him. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work.

Throughout the show I was able to observed that he was distracted and never stopped looking at that door. Looking for daddy and daddy never showed up. Why it wasn't enough that I was there?  Why he had to be one that didn't get a hug from dad at the end of the show? Why he needs to be one feeling disappointed?  Why he needs to be one feeling less than special?

At that moment I wished I was a superhero with magical powers that could take all those feelings away. Or maybe better, I could have created a holographic image of his dad that will have brought a smile to his face. But I am not a superhero. I don't have special powers. I can't make feelings of sadness disappear. At that moment I just had a great feeling of impotence. Since I was pregnant I promised him that I was going to protect him and at that moment, I couldn't do it. How painful that was, and still is.

I have to say that the only way I could try to minimize those feelings are by always being present, and to never take his hope away.

A Sunday in my Life!

     Today I woke up at 7:30am. I just wanted to smash the alarm clock. My body didn't allow me to get out of bed until 8:30am. I had an extra bold cup of coffee to awake my brain, because the statistics book was waiting for me. The last chapter- 27 pages of torture, all finished within 1 hour and a half. I needed another break and another cup of coffee, and maybe breakfast, so I could start typing my report that was due yesterday.
     By noon my report was done and posted. I took another break to answer a phone call, and while talking I started to sort the laundry and put my first load in the washer. Around 1:30pm I went back to my room, cup of coffee (another one) in hand because the Healthcare Management book was waiting for me. Between that time and 4:30p I was able to complete the assigned reading and washed and dry 4-5 loads of laundry.
     At 5:00pm I decided to go outside and clear the ice from the driveway. An hour later I finally go back inside  and started to order dinner because I had no desire, nor the energy to put my hands on a pot. Honestly if I had to cook I was going to bed hungry. We had dinner and at 7pm I go back to my room  and start typing the assigned homework for Healthcare Management which was due today.
     My bed looks like a bomb exploded in it, they are papers and books that my brain refuses to recognize. I can't register any longer.
     While typing I was also trying to watch the Super Bowl. Suddenly I heard the washer's alarm calling me, I wish I could shoot at it. As I finished in the laundry room I realized that it's my day to do dishes, so I do them. I got carried away so I wiped all the counters, then go back to the laundry room and continue to wipe the surfaces there as well. Back to the Super Bowl with no idea of what is happening. I wish I could go to bed right now. At 8:45pm I helped my son in the shower, and I started to clear my bed, get my clothes ready for tomorrow. At 10:15pm I drove my daughter's boyfriend home.
     At 10:45pm I'm back home trying to relax while drinking a glass of red wine.

.....and my daughter just brought me some papers to fill out, of course for tomorrow morning. The work of a mother never ends.

     This has been one of those days that I don't want to replicate. I am so exhausted, that I might not be able to finish that glass of wine because sleep will hit me.

Motherhood, it has its good and bad days... 

Hostage

Yesterday, I had no work so I had time to rest..... What is the problem with that? Moms aren't supposed to rest. Rest is not build into our schedule. When you are a single mother there is no back up, no assistant. I had so many things to do. For example my Christmas tree is somewhere around the living room, the garlands are still decorating  the stair railings, a second Christmas tree still up in my bedroom, and I needed to read for school.
   As I was getting ready to read, here comes my beautiful 16 year old daughter with the sweetest look on her face and asked me, "do you want to watch a movie with me?"  That was not any movie. It was Pirates of the Caribbean - At World End, and that movie lasts over three hours. I started freaking out because it was 4:30pm and my class was meeting at 7:30pm. I just saw Atul Gawande's article staring at me,  all its 10 pages of stories.  Before I could say a word the movie was in the DVD player. I then realized her question was rhetorical. I tried to sneak some reading when she wasn't looking, but she had me under surveillance. I felt hostage. My brain was going at a 100 miles per hour. I felt like I had attention deficit disorder. The time to go class arrived and the movie was still going, so I thought I had escape it. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! As soon as I logged off from class, she says with the same sweet smile, "I paused the movie so we could watch the last hour together".

   At that moment I just had to surrender. She wasn't giving up. I needed to allow myself to be present, I needed to be parent, not a student. What is the worse that could happen if I can't complete the assigned  reading?
   I love that she thought of me. I am sure many parents would love to receive an invitation like that one, and not all parents do. I am lucky she still wants to spend time with me and to have her in my life. The class will be there next week, the article I could read any time, but a 1:1 period with my daughter is priceless. I am glad she insisted. She taught me a lesson..."don't give up!" I wonder, where did she learn that from? I hope she will always keep me hostage of that beautiful love that only children are able to provide. As a mother sometimes I lose perspective of things, and I am glad that my kids never allow me to completely forget what is important in life, and where my priorities should be.

   We enjoyed that last hour of the movie and we are making plans to go see the new one coming out in March.

Battlefield

    I remember when we had quiet dinners. When we where able to talk about what happened at school and at work.  Yes, those were the good old days. That was before our house was invaded by pets. I have to admit that I am not an animal lover, but I allowed myself to get manipulated into getting not one, but two pets. My daughters must have gotten me in a vulnerable moment. They came with the idea that pets are therapeutic and that they teach children responsibilty. They probably have been reading my books. The pets are a dog and a cat. I have to disclose that I have a terrible phobia to cats. So this poor creature hates when I am in the house because she has to be behind a closed door. Her name is Alice and she is all white, just like a ghost. The fact that she seem to glow in the dark doesn't help with my fears. Our dog, let me correct that, my daughter's dog is Snoopy. He was so nice before he came to our house. Now he looks like he is possessed by some type of evil. He chews on my shoes, my school bag, he pees on my floor, he spills my trash and wants to take ownership of my couch. To show him that he is not welcome I had a gate installed to block his entrance into my room.
    Going back to the dinner table. I strongly believe that my two daughters have adopted the personality of the cat and the dog and they behave likewise at the dinner table. Their arguments have become the nightly entertainment. Some days it feels like a battlefield. I have to say that I haven't seen the therapeutic effect nor the increase in the sense of responsibility that pets could teach children. I do have to say I have seen a ten fold improvement in their ability to debate. They have become masters of the spoken word. They now have vocabulary I have never heard, and that I probably should not look for the meaning. They have been practicing new ways of showing affection to each other. I agree with them that pets have a great impact in children, we just disagree in the kind of impact. Not a waste after all.

Bad Day

    I am starting this blog to share the struggles as a single mother becuase I am aware that I'm not standing alone. We, mothers are unrecognized heroes, and the load we carry is a great one. Sometimes we are so busy that we can't even be a support for each other.
     I am a doctorate student, and a mother of 4 children. Three are living with me and one is away in college. Since I am a single mother I work a full time job and 2 part-time jobs. This semester I registered for two courses in my program. If that is a lethal move, is yet to be seen. Trying to adjust to my class load has been challenging. My weekend was packed with school work. Today I came from work at 6:30pm and after dinner I told the kids "mom is going to rest for an hour". My children looked at me like I said "I am going to Disney World without you". That was the look of death. My seventeen year old even implied that I rest too much. WHAT????? Then the look of death came from me. What's wrong with teenagers, do they really believe than some alien come in at night and does their laundry, clean our toilets, wash the floors, do groceries, etc, etc. I felt so unappreciated, but to be truthful its not the first time. Then my mother-who also lives me -complained that I didn't get snow off the deck....WHAT? I am wondering what do they I do for those 8 hrs that I am away? Do they believe I go to a spa? I just needed solitude. I felt like putting everyone outside and closing the door behind me.
    Soon after that I found a meditation card that one of my friends has shared with me some time ago, and I'll share it with you since it helped me regain balance:
                                                               LOVE MEDITATION

May I be peaceful, happy,

and light in body and spirit.

May I be safe and free from injury.

May I be free from anger,

fear, and anxiety.

May I learn to look at

myself with the eyes of

understanding and love.

May I be able to live

fresh, solid, and free.

May I be free from

attachment and aversion,

but not be indifferent.

  thich nhat hahn

   For this mom everyday is a challenge, but I will not have it any other way. My kids are the best part of me. I am looking forward to do it again tomorrow.