Impotence

Yesterday, I went to my son's Inventions Play at his elementary school. As always, the kids put so much effort and were able to put a great and entertaining show.

Despite all the positive energy I had a deep feeling of sadness and impotence. While getting ready I received a call for my son. It was his father. Apparently my boy had called his father the night before to invite him to the show, and he left a message since the call wasn't answered. When my son brought me back the phone I was able to read the look of disappointment on his face. I asked him, what's the matter?, and he responded, "he said he is going to try" . I knew what that meant, since I've heard that response many times before. I just wanted to hug him. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work.

Throughout the show I was able to observed that he was distracted and never stopped looking at that door. Looking for daddy and daddy never showed up. Why it wasn't enough that I was there?  Why he had to be one that didn't get a hug from dad at the end of the show? Why he needs to be one feeling disappointed?  Why he needs to be one feeling less than special?

At that moment I wished I was a superhero with magical powers that could take all those feelings away. Or maybe better, I could have created a holographic image of his dad that will have brought a smile to his face. But I am not a superhero. I don't have special powers. I can't make feelings of sadness disappear. At that moment I just had a great feeling of impotence. Since I was pregnant I promised him that I was going to protect him and at that moment, I couldn't do it. How painful that was, and still is.

I have to say that the only way I could try to minimize those feelings are by always being present, and to never take his hope away.