Prisioners of Our Past

     Today I spent some time talking to a beautiful older woman, with such a kind soul that mesmerized me. She caught my attention because behind all the great hair, the perfectly coordinated outfit and  her down to earth personality I saw sadness. Perhaps I wasn't able to get disconnected from my work role, but my curiosity grew by the minute.

    We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".

    I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean?  Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
  
    She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me  that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability.  Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.

   It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.

  The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....


"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
                                              Victor Hugo