Endings

     What is an ending? This word is powerful and at times devastating. Usually associated with a negative outcome. The dictionary defines ending as a bringing or coming to an end; termination; close; and as the final or concluding part. 
    
     For most humans, endings bring a feeling of emptiness and loss. To some extent we are turned off by endings. The end of the relationship, the end of life, the end of a marriage, etc.

     The ending that has affected me the most, is the end of life...death. While growing up this was a topic that no one spoke about. Children were yield from this topic like it was some sort of evil, or a contagious disease.  I grew up fearing death in part because it was unknown and foreign territory. As a kid, I saw death as a bad ending to our life story. I saw it out of place, almost unnatural. I was traumatized by the Francisco Oller's painting "El Velorio", and I am sure that was not his intention.

     I remember that during my first internship in my nurse practitioner program I was sent to a nursing home. I was devastated, and tried to work my way out with my advisor but it didn't work. I was doomed. I knew I was going to face death in there, and that scared me. During the first month of my internship, I was sent to assess a patient. As I entered the room I saw this frail woman, lying in bed, unconscious. She had a grayish color in her skin and her breathing was shallow. I went out and told the nurse in charge that she was dying and I didn't want to be in the room. I thought that she was going to be supportive of my choice but she wasn't. She sent me back to the room. Before I left she looked at me, grabbed my hands and said, "you should be proud  that the last voice she will hear before she leaves this world will be yours, she will not die alone". I went back and stayed with the patient holding hands until the time came. I gave her company but she gave me a lesson that changed my life and the way I view death.  She was not in pain or suffering. I just witnessed how she placed the last period to the last chapter of her life. She felt at peace, and I am glad that nurse pushed outside of my comfort zone to face the ending that I dreaded to face.

    In terms of relationships some people see their ending as a bad thing and even a failure.I have been the first in a lot of things in my family, for example I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first to graduate from college and first one to divorce, not only once, but twice.  Have I failed? Have my ex husbands failed me? Absolutely not!  I don't want to give the impression that I take divorce lightly. It is a difficult decision, because we all marry with the idea of spending the rest of lives with the chosen one. I see my two marriages as great experiences that changed the course of my life forever. Our relationships expired, they were not meant to be forever, but I wouldn't call them a failure...in the least. My life is richer after they ended, but my life was rich when I was married. Sometimes we delayed endings because we fear to start over. We sacrifice not to be judge or label relationship rejects. We take the attitude of a martyr. Life shouldn't be about those types of sacrifices. We live once, we only get one shot at it, so we need to make the best of it...with the right person or alone. I guess divorce could be the last act of love, when you become aware that you in the way of your partner's happiness.
     
      How do I look at endings right now? I see an ending as an opportunity to a new beginning, to a new journey, to a new experience.

The New Year

     I guess 2012 arrived and I hardly noticed. I never write resolutions for the New Year since I never follow through. It feels like I am following commands, even though they are my own.  What I do is that I review what happened in the year that ended to try make amends in the new one.

   The year 2011 was a memorable one. I had experiences that I loved, and others that I which I never have to relive. I experienced loses, pain, hurt, betrayal. I was falsely accused of things, I was degraded by some and elevated by others. I realized that some people I thought my friends weren't, and some that I never saw close were the real deal.

     One of the high moments of this year was seeing my oldest daughter graduating college. What a moment that was! I am proud to be part of something so great! We broke the cycle. I was the first generation in my family to graduate from college, and to see my daughter continue what I started gives me great me a great feeling of accomplishment. The night I went to her Senior show was another great moment. I got to know her a little better through her work, and in a different dimension. I was proud, and  that is a feeling that will last forever. Theres nothing that she could do that will erase that.

     I am happy with what I accomplished this year. I wasn't perfect, and that has never been my goal. I wasn't the best mother, the best partner, the best student, the best co-worker, but nobody could say that I didn't try the best I could. They were moments that I felt guilty for being away from my children due to work and school responsibilities. One wise professor told me, "you are providing them with a wonderful role model as they see you working so hard..." She was right,  guilt should be taken out of the equation, because what I am doing is in their best interest.

     I survived another year of school, and that was hard. I am looking forward to my last full year of schooling. I am enjoying this journey so much.

     I have a nice friend in Chicago that once told me, "if you are not going to leave a mark on your path, don't bother taking it. Make sure you are remembered." She was so right and this my goal in the New Year... I am going to make every encounter I have with people an opportunity to leave a mark, a positive one. I have  some people that have left deep marks and now that they are not around I look at that mark and it feels like I am enjoying them once more. This year I am going to love myself, and make sure that I am well nourished, so I could nurture others. I know some people may see this as arrogant or self-centered but I don't care.  Experience taught me that if I am empty I will have nothing to give. Like in the year 2011, in 2012, I will do the best I can every day and on everything I do. I am looking forward to continue to enjoy my family, friends and remember with love the ones that decided to leave me.

     My daughters gave some inspirational items this year as Christmas gifts, and those mesasges will guide me through the New Year. I got a ring with the engraving "Nothing is impossible" and I am in agreement with it. I got another ring with the engraving "Faith...Live by Faith not by Sight". Lastly I got a beautiful art item that reads, "She believed she could, so she did". All those messages speak of the way I live my life, I am driven and I willl make sure this is a wonderful year.  I will live by faith, believing that nothing is impossible and that will get me places, those places I think I believe I could get, and I will.
   
   

Fall in its finest

     I went hiking today and I witnessed Fall in its finest gala. The colors were so inviting, the naked trees gave way to a view that was hidden before. The crisp air, the carpet of leaves and the sound of the branches as I stepped on was a wonderful experience.

     As every time that I am surrounded by nature I felt free. Nature help us keep things into perspective. Since this type of beauty its hard to describe with words I recorded my journey with pictures.





Prisioners of Our Past

     Today I spent some time talking to a beautiful older woman, with such a kind soul that mesmerized me. She caught my attention because behind all the great hair, the perfectly coordinated outfit and  her down to earth personality I saw sadness. Perhaps I wasn't able to get disconnected from my work role, but my curiosity grew by the minute.

    We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".

    I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean?  Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
  
    She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me  that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability.  Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.

   It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.

  The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....


"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
                                              Victor Hugo

A Mother's Guilt

    I have a son that is 9 years old, and he is the sunshine in my life. He is my youngest. He is spoiled by me and his three sisters, to the point that at times he seems to want to run away. He has to live in a household of girls (me and his two sisters). I have noticed that he seemed kind of lonely and isolative. One day I decided to get him a special friend.
  
    On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he  called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.

    Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.

     That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation.  I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.  

   Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).

    If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.

    I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!

The Face of Pain

   On October 7  was the wake for my friend's son. Writing this sounds weird, unnatural, not right. It is a disruption of the chain of life when parents have to bury their children. Why did he had to go?  Is the question that many of us had. I don't know the answer, but I am aware that as scary as it sounds we are not exempt of being the chosen one. It could happen to any of us, we just pray that our children get spare.

   He looked so handsome but the spirit of happiness that defined him had left him. I was only able to say good bye to his body, the temple that kept all his goodness and soul for 23 years. He looked at peace, pleased, like he knew how loved he was. I can't say that he is in a better place, because there is no better place for our children to be than close to us.

 When I looked at my friend and her husband I was impacted. They had the face of pain. It looked familiar, because I have seen it before.  I saw it  up close and it scared me. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Their pain was so big that engulfed me. Of course I am not saying that I was able to feel what they were feeling. For the first time since we became friends I had no clue what they were going through. I was puzzled and experience a great feeling of impotence. I wanted to run away, not from the situation but from the pain that I was afraid to experience.
 
 I looked a t my kids and I felt that they realized they were not invincible. I wanted them to continue to believe that they are. 


  I know that Alfy is at peace because he lived, because he loved and he was loved. He left a mark on all of us....a deep one. He will never be forgotten.

Rest In Peace Alfredo Alexis Trejo aka Alfredito.

Frustration

How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people?  



How can I feel so neglected if I am supposedly surrounded by people that take care of my needs?




How can I feel so unsupported, when others think they are providing great support?




How can I feel so unaccepted, when people say they love me the way I am?




How can I feel so angry when I am supposed to feel happy?




How can I feel so unloved when I hear I love you almost every day?




How can I go out and then wished I didn't?


     I remember better times, when my life was so easy. When did it get complicated? I don't like complications, unless they are meaningful ones. I do have to say that in the midst of all the frustration that I am experiencing I see what's good in my life. I have four wonderful children that balance me out every day. When I look into their eyes all my frustrations go away. They give my life such a meaningful purpose. When I am with them I feel like the most special person in the world....or may be the universe if I want to count the alien population.