Evolution

I was recently honored with an invitation by Professor King to be part of a panel of experts to speak at U- Mass Lowell. The theme of the night was Culture Care. The big event was last night.
It was my first time speaking in front of such a big crowd. There were over 150 people in attendance. Also in attendance were my clinical, my research, and my doctorate advisors. It was the first time I spoke in front of my professors in my professional role. I was the expert, not the novice. They were going to be learning from me.

As we enjoy the events of the night, and before I spoke I went back in time to when I started nursing school. I had big dreams. I was a shy, kind of nerdy young woman who was terrified of public speaking. I remembered the moment in which I chose to be a psychiatric nurse. That decision came after I met a patient that changed my life. She was my assigned case in the psychiatric hospital in where I did my rotation. She never knew how much she had impacted my professional destiny. Her body was frail, but her message to me was as powerful as they come. I remembered that professor that forced me to have sleepless nights studying, and the one that recommended me to be a professor in the area of mental health. Memories of my master's program followed and I remembered one of my advisors, and I felt like I heard her voice saying: "You could create movement by being still". She did, she had such great impact in my life as well.

In grad school I was one of a kind -maybe a novelty- since they were no more Latinos enrolled. I had the pressure to perform. I had to prove that I could do it and I did.

As I was walking to the podium I felt like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. I have evolved into a confident professional that could be called an expert.What a proud moment. I was able to see the look of approval in my professor's eyes as I spoke.  I felt proud to represent Latinas, to represent Puertoricans, to represent my nursing school, to represent U-Mass, and more important to represent myself and what I am capable of accomplishing. I have grown quite much since that first nursing class. The most important thing is that I am humble about all this and never have forgotten that I am the product of a great family in which strong woman were the norm. I felt in love with nursing and that love is stronger than ever.

I will never forget that moment when I took the microphone and didn't need cue cards, or notes...I was standing on my own.

Lost in Papers

Did I forget I am a blogger? No way, my classes has kept me hostage. I have been a victim of modern slavery, and the worse part is that I am paying to be a slave.

I am looking around and my bed looks like a disaster zone. Maybe an atomic bomb exploded in it last night and I didn't notice. Am I that numb? Instead of fire and smoke there is a mountain of papers, books, pens, research reports, journal articles, markers, and other school supplies. There are also items that I can't recognized, and perhaps I should. My mind is so full that I am constantly pushing things out to accommodate new ones.  My mind feels as disorganized as my bed. I am ready to see the end and is close, very close.

Despite all, I had a new experience. The only threesome I had in my life happened this semester when I slept with two text books. Exciting, isn't it?

As I am reaching the end of the semester there is a feeling of exhaustion, mentally and physically. I have noticed that the amount of knowledge isn't the only area of my life that has increased. I noticed that my upper and lower back hurts, probably because of the several extra pounds that I am carrying on my upper  and my lower body.  This is called collateral damage, because it's not supposed to be happening but seems to be unavoidable. Students, we are such an oppressed group.

Despite all the stressors of this semester, I am happy and proud of my accomplishments. I am one step closer to my doctorare degree...a gift that I am giving to myself and a legacy that I will leave my children. What is that legacy? ...never give up, don't be afraid of challenges, follow your dreams, never allow anyone to put obstacles on your path, don't be afraid to dream and deam big remembering that unless you take the journey dreams don't come true. Without action dreams are only a thought.

A moment of Insanity

    Getting ready to work out  I realized that all my yoga pants were gone. Also my pajama pants are missing, along with my aeropostale boots. A great mystery since no one has seen them.

    A few days later I see my 16 year old daughter looking great. Her style was so appealing, so well put together. I have to say that she always looks great, but there was something different.  Where the heck did she get those clothes? Then I realized from where she got them, No she didn't buy them not steal them. They were mine, she found them in my closet. She looked great on my green jacket and my flower print flats. I asked when did you get those, and she said "about three months ago, found them in your closet."
  
    Friday night, as my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a sleepover. As I entered my bedroom, she asked me, can I wear your zebra print tank top?  I hesitated for a moment, because that is one of a kind, then said, yeah go ahead. She then responded, "I already have it on, under my sweatshirt. Do you think it fits well?" She goes further and goes into forbidden territory- my shoe closet. She pulled out my zebra print shoes, yeah, those with the giant silver buckle. They are beautiful, and they have never been worn. She asked, "can I wear them?  They will look great with the black leggings, and  my black cardigan. I agree that they will look great. She looked beautiful in them.  Then she goes back in my closet and pull out a cashmere cardigan. At that second I had a moment of insanity. My mind clouded, I couldn't think. She said "this will look great with my other outfit".
   
    For a moment my I thought I was in a bad dream, and the worse part was is when I realized I wasn't. My daughters (all three) have a great sense of style, and it's nice that two of them find some of clothes cool enough for them to wear. 

    I guess I should be happy that my teenage children are able to fit in my clothes after I had 4 children. That last sentence felt good, real good.

Stress, stress, and more stress

What is stress? Dictionary.com says,  "is physical, mental or emotional strain". What is strain?  Dictionary.com says it is "to stretch beyond a proper point or limit".

What do I think stress is?

Stress is...going to bed and dreaming about the schoolwork that you haven't complete yet.

Stress is...spending a Friday night reading a chapter on Operations Research Techniques and Interpretation.

Stress is...going to bed with a book, or worse than that... two books.

Stress is...having to get up on a Saturday and Sunday morning like you are going to work to be able to
               complete your schoolwork by deadline.

Stress is... when your professor points out that in your posting you confused decision analysis with another
                evaluation method.
          
Stress is...when your professor announces that you have to bring a SWOT analysis to the next class and you
               don't even know what that is.

Stress is...having a paper due on Wednesday and haven't start the research yet.

Stress is...forgetting that your children will be on vacation for a week and not making any plans for them.
   
    For the last two weeks I have experience what stress is. Not that I've never had, but I've experienced it in another level. I have been push and pulled in all possible directions. I have been up and down. My body have been tested. I have been trying to function at full capacity. I have been sleep deprived. I found out how it feels to be caffeine intoxicated after drinking about 10 cups of coffee a day to be able to accomplish what was expected of me. The worse isn't over yet, but let me tell you a secret... I wouldn't like it any other way.  The only thing I regret is that I will not get the Mom of the Year Award.

Impotence

Yesterday, I went to my son's Inventions Play at his elementary school. As always, the kids put so much effort and were able to put a great and entertaining show.

Despite all the positive energy I had a deep feeling of sadness and impotence. While getting ready I received a call for my son. It was his father. Apparently my boy had called his father the night before to invite him to the show, and he left a message since the call wasn't answered. When my son brought me back the phone I was able to read the look of disappointment on his face. I asked him, what's the matter?, and he responded, "he said he is going to try" . I knew what that meant, since I've heard that response many times before. I just wanted to hug him. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work.

Throughout the show I was able to observed that he was distracted and never stopped looking at that door. Looking for daddy and daddy never showed up. Why it wasn't enough that I was there?  Why he had to be one that didn't get a hug from dad at the end of the show? Why he needs to be one feeling disappointed?  Why he needs to be one feeling less than special?

At that moment I wished I was a superhero with magical powers that could take all those feelings away. Or maybe better, I could have created a holographic image of his dad that will have brought a smile to his face. But I am not a superhero. I don't have special powers. I can't make feelings of sadness disappear. At that moment I just had a great feeling of impotence. Since I was pregnant I promised him that I was going to protect him and at that moment, I couldn't do it. How painful that was, and still is.

I have to say that the only way I could try to minimize those feelings are by always being present, and to never take his hope away.

A Sunday in my Life!

     Today I woke up at 7:30am. I just wanted to smash the alarm clock. My body didn't allow me to get out of bed until 8:30am. I had an extra bold cup of coffee to awake my brain, because the statistics book was waiting for me. The last chapter- 27 pages of torture, all finished within 1 hour and a half. I needed another break and another cup of coffee, and maybe breakfast, so I could start typing my report that was due yesterday.
     By noon my report was done and posted. I took another break to answer a phone call, and while talking I started to sort the laundry and put my first load in the washer. Around 1:30pm I went back to my room, cup of coffee (another one) in hand because the Healthcare Management book was waiting for me. Between that time and 4:30p I was able to complete the assigned reading and washed and dry 4-5 loads of laundry.
     At 5:00pm I decided to go outside and clear the ice from the driveway. An hour later I finally go back inside  and started to order dinner because I had no desire, nor the energy to put my hands on a pot. Honestly if I had to cook I was going to bed hungry. We had dinner and at 7pm I go back to my room  and start typing the assigned homework for Healthcare Management which was due today.
     My bed looks like a bomb exploded in it, they are papers and books that my brain refuses to recognize. I can't register any longer.
     While typing I was also trying to watch the Super Bowl. Suddenly I heard the washer's alarm calling me, I wish I could shoot at it. As I finished in the laundry room I realized that it's my day to do dishes, so I do them. I got carried away so I wiped all the counters, then go back to the laundry room and continue to wipe the surfaces there as well. Back to the Super Bowl with no idea of what is happening. I wish I could go to bed right now. At 8:45pm I helped my son in the shower, and I started to clear my bed, get my clothes ready for tomorrow. At 10:15pm I drove my daughter's boyfriend home.
     At 10:45pm I'm back home trying to relax while drinking a glass of red wine.

.....and my daughter just brought me some papers to fill out, of course for tomorrow morning. The work of a mother never ends.

     This has been one of those days that I don't want to replicate. I am so exhausted, that I might not be able to finish that glass of wine because sleep will hit me.

Motherhood, it has its good and bad days... 

Hostage

Yesterday, I had no work so I had time to rest..... What is the problem with that? Moms aren't supposed to rest. Rest is not build into our schedule. When you are a single mother there is no back up, no assistant. I had so many things to do. For example my Christmas tree is somewhere around the living room, the garlands are still decorating  the stair railings, a second Christmas tree still up in my bedroom, and I needed to read for school.
   As I was getting ready to read, here comes my beautiful 16 year old daughter with the sweetest look on her face and asked me, "do you want to watch a movie with me?"  That was not any movie. It was Pirates of the Caribbean - At World End, and that movie lasts over three hours. I started freaking out because it was 4:30pm and my class was meeting at 7:30pm. I just saw Atul Gawande's article staring at me,  all its 10 pages of stories.  Before I could say a word the movie was in the DVD player. I then realized her question was rhetorical. I tried to sneak some reading when she wasn't looking, but she had me under surveillance. I felt hostage. My brain was going at a 100 miles per hour. I felt like I had attention deficit disorder. The time to go class arrived and the movie was still going, so I thought I had escape it. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! As soon as I logged off from class, she says with the same sweet smile, "I paused the movie so we could watch the last hour together".

   At that moment I just had to surrender. She wasn't giving up. I needed to allow myself to be present, I needed to be parent, not a student. What is the worse that could happen if I can't complete the assigned  reading?
   I love that she thought of me. I am sure many parents would love to receive an invitation like that one, and not all parents do. I am lucky she still wants to spend time with me and to have her in my life. The class will be there next week, the article I could read any time, but a 1:1 period with my daughter is priceless. I am glad she insisted. She taught me a lesson..."don't give up!" I wonder, where did she learn that from? I hope she will always keep me hostage of that beautiful love that only children are able to provide. As a mother sometimes I lose perspective of things, and I am glad that my kids never allow me to completely forget what is important in life, and where my priorities should be.

   We enjoyed that last hour of the movie and we are making plans to go see the new one coming out in March.