I Am Tired of Being Tired

   As I am reaching mid semester, tiredness has become part of existence. I have tried Ginseng, B-complex, energy drinks, 5- hr energy shots, coffee, and coffee with shots of espresso, and any combination of the above, and nothing seems to work. At times I am aware that I meet the criteria for caffeine intoxication. I don't even enjoy that cup of coffee any more, because it has become a necessity and not a pleasure like it used to be. I need it to stay awake and functional. I sleep more than ever- about 4-6 hrs a night and for a doctoral student that's golden.  It seems like the quality of the sleep has declined, since I wake up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

I am so tired or being tired!

    In class today, I had a hard time concentrating. My thoughts were speeding, and I was thinking of my "special project" that I haven't start, the six research interviews that I have scheduled for tomorrow, my research presentation and paper,  my "special project" presentation, my chores list, my grocery shopping list, and many more things. I looked at the professor but couldn't decipher his words because my thoughts were on the way. 

   School work is piling up, and feels like a giant mountain in front of me. The more I work the bigger the mountain gets, and it's suppose to be the other way around. I continue to sacrifice people, including my children and I hope they understand. I am afraid one of these days they are going to ask me who am I. Is devastating when your own kids ask "why are you home early?"

  I laughed when someone told me that I was lucky. I remembered a quote I read a while back that said: "The more I work the luckier I get". What I have isn't called luck, but discipline and commitment...to my cause. And what is that cause? Improving myself to the highest level possible, and do what other women in my family weren't able to do because times were different. 

  In May I will look back at this great journey and will celebrate my accomplishment.

My Hiking Trip

            I thought words were not necessary to describe the beauty of what I saw during my hike this morning. I went by myself and hiked for 8 miles, burned 1,930 calories, in close to 3 hrs and kept a heart rate of 140 beats/minute. I just need 36 more miles.

Hurt

Have you ever felt that you were punched without being touched?

Have you ever felt that the ground under your feet was shaken or even worse, removed?

Have you ever been accused of things that you couldn’t believe?

Have you ever been told things that shook your world, and the core of your being?

Have you ever been left speechless and disarmed to fight back because the attack was so vicious?

Have you ever doubt yourself after someone falsely accused you?

I have listened to many stories in my life of people that could answer “yes” to all these questions, including myself. Someone has wounded us, and we were left with the uncertainty of how to heal wounds that don’t respond to traditional treatments like stitching, ice, narcotics, antibiotics, gauze bandages or even skin grafts. Those wounds that someone, or a situation caused are of emotional nature, and the pain runs deep. Those wounds had left us impaired, defenseless and powerless. In many occasions the message is internalized, and becomes comfortable in our psyche. There is a constant process of questioning and attempting to find answers. Instead of answers, more questions arise, and they may go forever unanswered. Doubt and mistrust sets in, at times in the form of paranoia, but not the one based on a psychotic process, but the one that is based on fear... the fear of re-experiencing the pain, that feeling that felt so familiar.   

      At some point in our lives we all have been there. I remember feeling so broken after seeing that only pieces of me were left. I remember crying myself to sleep and applying ointments to my face so nobody, including my kids will notice the signs of pain and sadness. Those were the days that I overcompensated; I forced myself to laugh more and to be kinder to others. Later I read in the book with the words of the Dalai Lama that compassion helps cleanse the mind and the soul. Showing compassion to others was the ointment I needed.

      I do think that pain, even though is unwanted, it could be taken as an opportunity for growth, to improve ourselves.  It’s a chance to reassess our behavior, our choices, especially who we allow inside our circle, that intimate place reserved for few. Today, I accept that I am in pain, and I have decided to have compassion for the ones that hurt me. When they stabbed me I saw a window to their soul, and that was a worse place than mine.

     As part of my healing...for the next month I will hike 44 miles in significance of my years of life, as a way to cleanse my thoughts and soul from anything that's not healthy and will prevent me from growing as a human being. During hikes I am able to meditate and gain insight into my own behavior.

There is a quote from the Dalai Lama that says: The mind's own basic nature is ultimately neutral. It can be influence by negative as well as positive emotions." ...so I need to do my part!

Inside my thoughts

Today is Monday, and that means get ready for a busy school week. I went to check blackboard (class website) and I was horrified when I saw that my 17 classmates posted, and they did extensively.  I guess they forgot that we have to read and answer every single post tonight. They all look the same.  They are talking using the IT and financial lingo that I hate, and that my brain refuses to understand. I could feel those words floating around my head like a halo. They might as well had posted in French...or did they?  I think that financial and technology experts forget the process of communication, or perhaps they care more about looking smart than having the message understood.  How can I push my brain to produce enough BS to answer everybody by tonight? I guess I have to try.


Today, I was thinking about the hazards of being a single mom trying to finish grad school. They are many, including the high levels of stress and pressure that causes a chronic allostatic overload. Over time this can cause damage to the arteries which precludes heart disease and the complications that come with it. The allostatic overload also increases the readings for blood pressure. This will add to the risk that I already have based on my genetic composition and family history. I am doomed!

Those are risks but what is a fact is that when you are a single mom attending grad school,  someone will always be angry at you... I will give a few examples...today I didn't cook, so my daughter will be upset, but if I spent the time cooking, and didn't post my professor will be angry and I will be angry at myself when he mentions my lack of discipline in open forum. My son was angry at me over the weekend because I didn't get to rent the drum he needed before the store closed until Tuesday. Its like a chain of events that never ends.... When I earn this degree I will forget about that, but in the mean time let me angry at my classmates for forcing me to read over 40 pages of documents talking about meaningful use, electronic medical records, CMS incentives, Health Information Technology for Economic and Clinical Health Act,  and the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

The Anatomy of My Summer

As the summer is winding down, I can't help but analyze what had happened since this wonderful season started. Its been a crazy ride, crazier than Bizarro, that great roller coaster in Six Flags that  I am terrified of. The problem in life is that the rides aren't always avoidable like I chose to do in the amusement park.

I started the summer disorganized and with lots of plans. I ended the summer disorganized and with lots plans. I guess I could get an A for being consistent.  I had about 10 books I wanted to read. I read one and the other one bored me to death half way, so I dropped it. Just in case you care to know which is the  book that bored me, it was Fifty Shades of Grey. I couldn't understand the rave about it...or maybe I was just jealous of the fantastic sexual life that Anastasia Steele had.

During the summer I traveled the continuum of emotions from a great deal of stress to the thrill of going out with friends, family get togethers and vacation.  During stressfull times I had to depend on people. If you know me well, you will know that's a stressor on its own. I am a fan of self reliance. I always depend on my own means and internal resources. I found the greatest support in my family, as always. I realized that not everyone that says "I will help you" really does, and not everyone that is capable of helping chooses to share their means. I don't mean money but other resources.

I had a few loses. Some hurt me more than others.  Some hit the core of my being. There are wounds that are bleeding but eventually will heal. As I age I realize that interpersonal relationships are so complicated and I think I have lost the patience to deal with them. Or maybe they were always like that and I didn't know better. I saw myself focusing on other things to avoid dealing with my own and hated myself at then end...I lost and I gain. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't. I am proud  that despite knowing being in the losing team in many ocassions, I still played the game and gave it my best shot. I lived to the fullest but that wasn't enough, I gave but not enough, I loved but not enough, I cared but not enough, I was nice but not enough, I was kind but not enough, I was good but not good enough....I don't need negative people in my life. Neither friends that make me feel like I am in the clearance rack. I love myself. Some may think that's arrogant to say but I will label it self worth.

As the fall enters and nature will go through that wonderful transformation, I am choosing to go through it as well. Just like the trees in the fall I will let go of all the dead leaves and in the spring I  will be looking forward to that wonderful rebirth.

The Tsunami

     Not so long ago, we were hit by a tsunami, a giant wave that changed the landscape that was so familiar to us.

     This giant wave came without warning, and hit us with its merciless force. This tsunami was different, because it wasn't a giant seawall. This tsunami was called abrupt change.

     This wave of disruption took away people that we loved and cared about to unknown places. Some of the survivors have changed forever...their lives impacted in ways that at times we cannot even describe. There is fear, sadness, insecurity, and mistrust. The landscape forever changed. I am surprised by the reaction of the survivors, myself included. I see us avoiding the "talk", isolating and expecting the next blow...the aftermath.

     It's very sad how the appointed believe they can accomplish change when they treat it as a step. Change is a process and for it to be effective, people need to be ready to change. Change isn't something you can push down someone's throat without choking them. There are stages to go through.What happened to the work of  Prochaska and DiClemente? What happened with the five stages of change- pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation/action, maintenance, termination and recycling?

     Before any endeavor takes place, readiness to change needs to be assessed.  When those steps are not taken into account people may experience serious distress, acute stress reactions and they may exhibit resistance. By neglecting the process the risk of losing great people increases.

     Sometimes I think that the ones gone are lucky, since they don't have to experience the daily struggles to survive the day. I am not able to confirm that, since they are not around to answer my questions.

     I strongly believe that agencies have the responsibility to provide an environment that is healthy, and fertile so people could flourish. If they hold back the nutrients and resources they are failing us...

     How can we provide services and meet someone's needs if our own needs aren't met? How can we jump the lake without getting wet, or the swamp without getting mud on our clothes?

     Let's brace ourselves for the unknown...
    

An Eventful Night!

Today I had my family over for a summer cookout. When I say family, I don't mean my kids. I use family in the Latino sense. 

My life is so complicated, at times absorbed by work, and school; and my family brings such great simplicity that places everything into perspective.

We ate, we laughed, we almost cried and some almost fought ...  a normal family.

At the end of the night all the adults sat around the living room, some on the couches and some on the floor. In that space that is hardly used I had the core of my upbringing, I had the ones that helped become the woman that I am today. It was like having a treasure right there in front of my eyes...my mom, my grandma, my uncles, my aunts and my cousin. We told stories of passion, pain, suffering, courage, love and above all... family.

By listening to the stories I realized the impact that my family had  and still have in my life and the way I raise my children. I saw  courage,  strong will to go on despite the obstacles. I saw the great passion placed in relationships and the pain experienced after they end. I saw open wounds that still bleed occasionally. I heard about adultery and how a marriage became stronger after it. I heard about forgiveness, and motherhood. I heard how one have been there for the other in times of pain and suffering to help carry their load. Right there I reaffirmed how lucky I am to be born in this family. I also realized that I want to do this more often because I don't do it enough. I want to be a hoarder of memories, and allow moments like this to take my breath away... many more times.


We are not perfect, but we are perfectly imperfect. This family is like a forest, there are different trees but they all bring beauty to the scenery. Everyone is purposeful and beautiful in their own way. The most important thing is to accept each other as we are because we all have a story behind us and we need to create the forum for those stories to be told.