I have been acting different. Have been filled with excitement and energy. It is like with every step I take endorphins are released, by the millions. What a great feeling. I am wondering what's causing it. If I know the cause I might be able to perpetuate it. I started to do some exploration. Somedays I feel like I am an enigma to myself. I have inner places I haven't explore, other ones that I don't want to...at least for now.
Today, I realized what's the reason for the emotional commotion. I am in love...with an illusion. Is that a good thing? It could be if you are truly aware, otherwise it isn't. Based on the dictionary illusion is "something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality". So this cannot be good. I have been sucked in a tornado, and I am covered with the frustration of what it means to be deceived. What do I do with those feelings? I guess I have to deal with them the best I can and alone, because an illusion can't be clear or reaffirming, it can't listen, it can't have a dialogue nor can't understand how it feel on the other side. An illusion can't coexist with reality, because it is an oxymoron.
While this discovery was going on, I thought of a book I read a while back. The book was titled "Ser como el rio que fluye" or Like the flowing river from Paulo Coelho. This book compiles a series of small stories and one of my favorie ones was The story of the Pencil or "La historia del lapiz". When I saw the title I said to myself what is this gifted man wasting his time writing about a pencil. A pencil isn't an object that we think much about. I know it has two purposes, write and erase. I decided to read the story anyway since I usually love everything he writes.
In the story there is a wise grandma (just like mine) giving her grandson a life lesson. She told her curious grandson that more important than the story that she was writing, was the pencil. She told the kid "I wish you will be like one when you grow up". The kid saw the pencil the same way I see it, so could imagine his reaction. The grandma started to describe the five qualities of a pencil, she even said "...if you obtain and retain these qualities they will make you a peaceful person...". At that moment, and before I read the qualities I wanted to be like the a pencil. The five qualities described were:
1) the pencil could do great things when its guided by a hand.
2) endures change through suffering when its sharpened, and it could do better things after it.
3) it allows us to erase mistakes.
4) the important thing isn't the wood that is made of, but the interior, the graphite.
5) it always leaves a mark, so we should careful of our actions.
And how its the pencil story related to my love to an illusion? If I had all the qualities of a pencil I wouldn't be in this predicament. I guess I didn't allow the Superior Being to guide me like a hand guides the pencil. I have endure suffering that by all means have made me stronger, but it hasn't affect my behavior. I wish I have an eraser to erase some of the mistakes that I have made in the last few years. I am leaving a mark, but is that a good one?
Today I have decided to be more like the pencil. I am erasing some of my mistakes, I am going to re-write my story. An illusion can't be center of my life, an illusion should be treated as such. Am I afraid of reality? In some ways I think so, otherwise I will not he holding on to an illusion.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
The Anatomy of Love
Love...a short but powerful word. This word takes different meanings depending on who is defining it. We all have love stories to tell. Love has so many faces, shapes, colors, ways of expression. I have love so much, and one of the greatest love of my life is my beautiful grandmother. She stole my heart before I knew, it could be stolen. I call her mami, but she is also known as mama Milla or simply mama. I will describe the anatomy of my love towards her. I am very lucky to still have her in my life. What a blessing it is for my kids to have known and still enjoy their great-grandmother.
During her last visit, I was driving home to see her since she arrived from Puerto Rico the day before. As I entered my neighborhood my heart started to beat faster. I was excited. I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was tearful just with the thought that I was going to see that woman that had given me so much love since I remember. It felt like I was going to meet my first love. I finally saw her...for the first time with white hair. How beautiful! She really looked like a grandma.
Let me tell you a little bit about my grandma... I always called her mami because she didn't want to be called grandma. She was very young (around 30 years old) when I was born. I was the first grandchild. I grew up in the house next to hers, so I was always a few feet away. When I think of her the first word that comes to my mind in strength. What a remarkable woman she's been. A true example for me and who ever is around her. She was never afraid to speak up her mind, but now she picks her battles. I guess she got wiser over the years. Her gait is now slower and her balance is not as steady, but she looked more beautiful than the last time I saw her. When she hugged me, I felt like we were the only ones in the world... I felt like coming home.
She always taught me things. I remember when I was a teenager she used to tell me all the time "make sure you go to school, so you don't have to depend on a man". Back then I had no idea what was she talking about, but I am glad I listened since in many occasions I had to depend on myself. Another of her teachings was, "never judge someone else's children, because some day you will have your own". That is so true. It feels so bad when someone judges your children that you don't want any other mother to experience that kind of pain. I remember after I divorced (the second time) she said to me, and I was so worry about what others will think that she said to me "live your life the way you want to live it". That was one of the best advice I have ever received.
She is so imperfectly perfect. I see so much of her in me. She always trusted and believed in me. She had no doubt that I could do well. Because of that I tried hard and harder. I didn't want to disappoint her. Like the proverb says, " she created movement by being still..."
I cannot paint a picture of my grandma because I don't have the ability to so do so, but I could write about her. There are not enough words in the world to describe her but I will say that she is honest; kind; strong; will support you even when she disagrees; defends her family with the courage of a hunting lioness; she is loving like bottomless pit; she is above the influence...she is one of a kind.
During her last visit, I was driving home to see her since she arrived from Puerto Rico the day before. As I entered my neighborhood my heart started to beat faster. I was excited. I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was tearful just with the thought that I was going to see that woman that had given me so much love since I remember. It felt like I was going to meet my first love. I finally saw her...for the first time with white hair. How beautiful! She really looked like a grandma.
Let me tell you a little bit about my grandma... I always called her mami because she didn't want to be called grandma. She was very young (around 30 years old) when I was born. I was the first grandchild. I grew up in the house next to hers, so I was always a few feet away. When I think of her the first word that comes to my mind in strength. What a remarkable woman she's been. A true example for me and who ever is around her. She was never afraid to speak up her mind, but now she picks her battles. I guess she got wiser over the years. Her gait is now slower and her balance is not as steady, but she looked more beautiful than the last time I saw her. When she hugged me, I felt like we were the only ones in the world... I felt like coming home.
She always taught me things. I remember when I was a teenager she used to tell me all the time "make sure you go to school, so you don't have to depend on a man". Back then I had no idea what was she talking about, but I am glad I listened since in many occasions I had to depend on myself. Another of her teachings was, "never judge someone else's children, because some day you will have your own". That is so true. It feels so bad when someone judges your children that you don't want any other mother to experience that kind of pain. I remember after I divorced (the second time) she said to me, and I was so worry about what others will think that she said to me "live your life the way you want to live it". That was one of the best advice I have ever received.
She is so imperfectly perfect. I see so much of her in me. She always trusted and believed in me. She had no doubt that I could do well. Because of that I tried hard and harder. I didn't want to disappoint her. Like the proverb says, " she created movement by being still..."
I cannot paint a picture of my grandma because I don't have the ability to so do so, but I could write about her. There are not enough words in the world to describe her but I will say that she is honest; kind; strong; will support you even when she disagrees; defends her family with the courage of a hunting lioness; she is loving like bottomless pit; she is above the influence...she is one of a kind.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Endings
What is an ending? This word is powerful and at times devastating. Usually associated with a negative outcome. The dictionary defines ending as a bringing or coming to an end; termination; close; and as the final or concluding part.
For most humans, endings bring a feeling of emptiness and loss. To some extent we are turned off by endings. The end of the relationship, the end of life, the end of a marriage, etc.
The ending that has affected me the most, is the end of life...death. While growing up this was a topic that no one spoke about. Children were yield from this topic like it was some sort of evil, or a contagious disease. I grew up fearing death in part because it was unknown and foreign territory. As a kid, I saw death as a bad ending to our life story. I saw it out of place, almost unnatural. I was traumatized by the Francisco Oller's painting "El Velorio", and I am sure that was not his intention.
I remember that during my first internship in my nurse practitioner program I was sent to a nursing home. I was devastated, and tried to work my way out with my advisor but it didn't work. I was doomed. I knew I was going to face death in there, and that scared me. During the first month of my internship, I was sent to assess a patient. As I entered the room I saw this frail woman, lying in bed, unconscious. She had a grayish color in her skin and her breathing was shallow. I went out and told the nurse in charge that she was dying and I didn't want to be in the room. I thought that she was going to be supportive of my choice but she wasn't. She sent me back to the room. Before I left she looked at me, grabbed my hands and said, "you should be proud that the last voice she will hear before she leaves this world will be yours, she will not die alone". I went back and stayed with the patient holding hands until the time came. I gave her company but she gave me a lesson that changed my life and the way I view death. She was not in pain or suffering. I just witnessed how she placed the last period to the last chapter of her life. She felt at peace, and I am glad that nurse pushed outside of my comfort zone to face the ending that I dreaded to face.
In terms of relationships some people see their ending as a bad thing and even a failure.I have been the first in a lot of things in my family, for example I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first to graduate from college and first one to divorce, not only once, but twice. Have I failed? Have my ex husbands failed me? Absolutely not! I don't want to give the impression that I take divorce lightly. It is a difficult decision, because we all marry with the idea of spending the rest of lives with the chosen one. I see my two marriages as great experiences that changed the course of my life forever. Our relationships expired, they were not meant to be forever, but I wouldn't call them a failure...in the least. My life is richer after they ended, but my life was rich when I was married. Sometimes we delayed endings because we fear to start over. We sacrifice not to be judge or label relationship rejects. We take the attitude of a martyr. Life shouldn't be about those types of sacrifices. We live once, we only get one shot at it, so we need to make the best of it...with the right person or alone. I guess divorce could be the last act of love, when you become aware that you in the way of your partner's happiness.
How do I look at endings right now? I see an ending as an opportunity to a new beginning, to a new journey, to a new experience.
For most humans, endings bring a feeling of emptiness and loss. To some extent we are turned off by endings. The end of the relationship, the end of life, the end of a marriage, etc.
The ending that has affected me the most, is the end of life...death. While growing up this was a topic that no one spoke about. Children were yield from this topic like it was some sort of evil, or a contagious disease. I grew up fearing death in part because it was unknown and foreign territory. As a kid, I saw death as a bad ending to our life story. I saw it out of place, almost unnatural. I was traumatized by the Francisco Oller's painting "El Velorio", and I am sure that was not his intention.
I remember that during my first internship in my nurse practitioner program I was sent to a nursing home. I was devastated, and tried to work my way out with my advisor but it didn't work. I was doomed. I knew I was going to face death in there, and that scared me. During the first month of my internship, I was sent to assess a patient. As I entered the room I saw this frail woman, lying in bed, unconscious. She had a grayish color in her skin and her breathing was shallow. I went out and told the nurse in charge that she was dying and I didn't want to be in the room. I thought that she was going to be supportive of my choice but she wasn't. She sent me back to the room. Before I left she looked at me, grabbed my hands and said, "you should be proud that the last voice she will hear before she leaves this world will be yours, she will not die alone". I went back and stayed with the patient holding hands until the time came. I gave her company but she gave me a lesson that changed my life and the way I view death. She was not in pain or suffering. I just witnessed how she placed the last period to the last chapter of her life. She felt at peace, and I am glad that nurse pushed outside of my comfort zone to face the ending that I dreaded to face.
In terms of relationships some people see their ending as a bad thing and even a failure.I have been the first in a lot of things in my family, for example I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first to graduate from college and first one to divorce, not only once, but twice. Have I failed? Have my ex husbands failed me? Absolutely not! I don't want to give the impression that I take divorce lightly. It is a difficult decision, because we all marry with the idea of spending the rest of lives with the chosen one. I see my two marriages as great experiences that changed the course of my life forever. Our relationships expired, they were not meant to be forever, but I wouldn't call them a failure...in the least. My life is richer after they ended, but my life was rich when I was married. Sometimes we delayed endings because we fear to start over. We sacrifice not to be judge or label relationship rejects. We take the attitude of a martyr. Life shouldn't be about those types of sacrifices. We live once, we only get one shot at it, so we need to make the best of it...with the right person or alone. I guess divorce could be the last act of love, when you become aware that you in the way of your partner's happiness.
How do I look at endings right now? I see an ending as an opportunity to a new beginning, to a new journey, to a new experience.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The New Year
I guess 2012 arrived and I hardly noticed. I never write resolutions for the New Year since I never follow through. It feels like I am following commands, even though they are my own. What I do is that I review what happened in the year that ended to try make amends in the new one.
The year 2011 was a memorable one. I had experiences that I loved, and others that I which I never have to relive. I experienced loses, pain, hurt, betrayal. I was falsely accused of things, I was degraded by some and elevated by others. I realized that some people I thought my friends weren't, and some that I never saw close were the real deal.
One of the high moments of this year was seeing my oldest daughter graduating college. What a moment that was! I am proud to be part of something so great! We broke the cycle. I was the first generation in my family to graduate from college, and to see my daughter continue what I started gives me great me a great feeling of accomplishment. The night I went to her Senior show was another great moment. I got to know her a little better through her work, and in a different dimension. I was proud, and that is a feeling that will last forever. Theres nothing that she could do that will erase that.
I am happy with what I accomplished this year. I wasn't perfect, and that has never been my goal. I wasn't the best mother, the best partner, the best student, the best co-worker, but nobody could say that I didn't try the best I could. They were moments that I felt guilty for being away from my children due to work and school responsibilities. One wise professor told me, "you are providing them with a wonderful role model as they see you working so hard..." She was right, guilt should be taken out of the equation, because what I am doing is in their best interest.
I survived another year of school, and that was hard. I am looking forward to my last full year of schooling. I am enjoying this journey so much.
I have a nice friend in Chicago that once told me, "if you are not going to leave a mark on your path, don't bother taking it. Make sure you are remembered." She was so right and this my goal in the New Year... I am going to make every encounter I have with people an opportunity to leave a mark, a positive one. I have some people that have left deep marks and now that they are not around I look at that mark and it feels like I am enjoying them once more. This year I am going to love myself, and make sure that I am well nourished, so I could nurture others. I know some people may see this as arrogant or self-centered but I don't care. Experience taught me that if I am empty I will have nothing to give. Like in the year 2011, in 2012, I will do the best I can every day and on everything I do. I am looking forward to continue to enjoy my family, friends and remember with love the ones that decided to leave me.
My daughters gave some inspirational items this year as Christmas gifts, and those mesasges will guide me through the New Year. I got a ring with the engraving "Nothing is impossible" and I am in agreement with it. I got another ring with the engraving "Faith...Live by Faith not by Sight". Lastly I got a beautiful art item that reads, "She believed she could, so she did". All those messages speak of the way I live my life, I am driven and I willl make sure this is a wonderful year. I will live by faith, believing that nothing is impossible and that will get me places, those places I think I believe I could get, and I will.
The year 2011 was a memorable one. I had experiences that I loved, and others that I which I never have to relive. I experienced loses, pain, hurt, betrayal. I was falsely accused of things, I was degraded by some and elevated by others. I realized that some people I thought my friends weren't, and some that I never saw close were the real deal.
One of the high moments of this year was seeing my oldest daughter graduating college. What a moment that was! I am proud to be part of something so great! We broke the cycle. I was the first generation in my family to graduate from college, and to see my daughter continue what I started gives me great me a great feeling of accomplishment. The night I went to her Senior show was another great moment. I got to know her a little better through her work, and in a different dimension. I was proud, and that is a feeling that will last forever. Theres nothing that she could do that will erase that.
I am happy with what I accomplished this year. I wasn't perfect, and that has never been my goal. I wasn't the best mother, the best partner, the best student, the best co-worker, but nobody could say that I didn't try the best I could. They were moments that I felt guilty for being away from my children due to work and school responsibilities. One wise professor told me, "you are providing them with a wonderful role model as they see you working so hard..." She was right, guilt should be taken out of the equation, because what I am doing is in their best interest.
I survived another year of school, and that was hard. I am looking forward to my last full year of schooling. I am enjoying this journey so much.
I have a nice friend in Chicago that once told me, "if you are not going to leave a mark on your path, don't bother taking it. Make sure you are remembered." She was so right and this my goal in the New Year... I am going to make every encounter I have with people an opportunity to leave a mark, a positive one. I have some people that have left deep marks and now that they are not around I look at that mark and it feels like I am enjoying them once more. This year I am going to love myself, and make sure that I am well nourished, so I could nurture others. I know some people may see this as arrogant or self-centered but I don't care. Experience taught me that if I am empty I will have nothing to give. Like in the year 2011, in 2012, I will do the best I can every day and on everything I do. I am looking forward to continue to enjoy my family, friends and remember with love the ones that decided to leave me.
My daughters gave some inspirational items this year as Christmas gifts, and those mesasges will guide me through the New Year. I got a ring with the engraving "Nothing is impossible" and I am in agreement with it. I got another ring with the engraving "Faith...Live by Faith not by Sight". Lastly I got a beautiful art item that reads, "She believed she could, so she did". All those messages speak of the way I live my life, I am driven and I willl make sure this is a wonderful year. I will live by faith, believing that nothing is impossible and that will get me places, those places I think I believe I could get, and I will.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Fall in its finest
I went hiking today and I witnessed Fall in its finest gala. The colors were so inviting, the naked trees gave way to a view that was hidden before. The crisp air, the carpet of leaves and the sound of the branches as I stepped on was a wonderful experience.
As every time that I am surrounded by nature I felt free. Nature help us keep things into perspective. Since this type of beauty its hard to describe with words I recorded my journey with pictures.
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Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Prisioners of Our Past
Today I spent some time talking to a beautiful older woman, with such a kind soul that mesmerized me. She caught my attention because behind all the great hair, the perfectly coordinated outfit and her down to earth personality I saw sadness. Perhaps I wasn't able to get disconnected from my work role, but my curiosity grew by the minute.
We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".
I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean? Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability. Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.
It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.
The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....
"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
Victor Hugo
We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".
I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean? Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability. Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.
It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.
The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....
"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
Victor Hugo
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Mother's Guilt
I have a son that is 9 years old, and he is the sunshine in my life. He is my youngest. He is spoiled by me and his three sisters, to the point that at times he seems to want to run away. He has to live in a household of girls (me and his two sisters). I have noticed that he seemed kind of lonely and isolative. One day I decided to get him a special friend.
On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.
Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.
That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation. I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.
Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).
If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.
I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!
On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.
Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.
That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation. I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.
Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).
If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.
I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!
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