Today I spent some time talking to a beautiful older woman, with such a kind soul that mesmerized me. She caught my attention because behind all the great hair, the perfectly coordinated outfit and her down to earth personality I saw sadness. Perhaps I wasn't able to get disconnected from my work role, but my curiosity grew by the minute.
We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".
I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean? Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability. Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.
It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.
The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....
"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
Victor Hugo
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Mother's Guilt
I have a son that is 9 years old, and he is the sunshine in my life. He is my youngest. He is spoiled by me and his three sisters, to the point that at times he seems to want to run away. He has to live in a household of girls (me and his two sisters). I have noticed that he seemed kind of lonely and isolative. One day I decided to get him a special friend.
On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.
Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.
That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation. I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.
Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).
If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.
I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!
On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.
Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.
That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation. I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.
Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).
If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.
I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The Face of Pain
On October 7 was the wake for my friend's son. Writing this sounds weird, unnatural, not right. It is a disruption of the chain of life when parents have to bury their children. Why did he had to go? Is the question that many of us had. I don't know the answer, but I am aware that as scary as it sounds we are not exempt of being the chosen one. It could happen to any of us, we just pray that our children get spare.
He looked so handsome but the spirit of happiness that defined him had left him. I was only able to say good bye to his body, the temple that kept all his goodness and soul for 23 years. He looked at peace, pleased, like he knew how loved he was. I can't say that he is in a better place, because there is no better place for our children to be than close to us.
When I looked at my friend and her husband I was impacted. They had the face of pain. It looked familiar, because I have seen it before. I saw it up close and it scared me. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Their pain was so big that engulfed me. Of course I am not saying that I was able to feel what they were feeling. For the first time since we became friends I had no clue what they were going through. I was puzzled and experience a great feeling of impotence. I wanted to run away, not from the situation but from the pain that I was afraid to experience.
I looked a t my kids and I felt that they realized they were not invincible. I wanted them to continue to believe that they are.
I know that Alfy is at peace because he lived, because he loved and he was loved. He left a mark on all of us....a deep one. He will never be forgotten.
Rest In Peace Alfredo Alexis Trejo aka Alfredito.
He looked so handsome but the spirit of happiness that defined him had left him. I was only able to say good bye to his body, the temple that kept all his goodness and soul for 23 years. He looked at peace, pleased, like he knew how loved he was. I can't say that he is in a better place, because there is no better place for our children to be than close to us.
When I looked at my friend and her husband I was impacted. They had the face of pain. It looked familiar, because I have seen it before. I saw it up close and it scared me. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Their pain was so big that engulfed me. Of course I am not saying that I was able to feel what they were feeling. For the first time since we became friends I had no clue what they were going through. I was puzzled and experience a great feeling of impotence. I wanted to run away, not from the situation but from the pain that I was afraid to experience.
I looked a t my kids and I felt that they realized they were not invincible. I wanted them to continue to believe that they are.
I know that Alfy is at peace because he lived, because he loved and he was loved. He left a mark on all of us....a deep one. He will never be forgotten.
Rest In Peace Alfredo Alexis Trejo aka Alfredito.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Frustration
How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people?
How can I feel so neglected if I am supposedly surrounded by people that take care of my needs?
How can I feel so unsupported, when others think they are providing great support?
How can I feel so unaccepted, when people say they love me the way I am?
How can I feel so angry when I am supposed to feel happy?
How can I feel so unloved when I hear I love you almost every day?
How can I go out and then wished I didn't?
I remember better times, when my life was so easy. When did it get complicated? I don't like complications, unless they are meaningful ones. I do have to say that in the midst of all the frustration that I am experiencing I see what's good in my life. I have four wonderful children that balance me out every day. When I look into their eyes all my frustrations go away. They give my life such a meaningful purpose. When I am with them I feel like the most special person in the world....or may be the universe if I want to count the alien population.
How can I feel so neglected if I am supposedly surrounded by people that take care of my needs?
How can I feel so unsupported, when others think they are providing great support?
How can I feel so unaccepted, when people say they love me the way I am?
How can I feel so angry when I am supposed to feel happy?
How can I feel so unloved when I hear I love you almost every day?
How can I go out and then wished I didn't?
I remember better times, when my life was so easy. When did it get complicated? I don't like complications, unless they are meaningful ones. I do have to say that in the midst of all the frustration that I am experiencing I see what's good in my life. I have four wonderful children that balance me out every day. When I look into their eyes all my frustrations go away. They give my life such a meaningful purpose. When I am with them I feel like the most special person in the world....or may be the universe if I want to count the alien population.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Suicide
Did you know that in the year 2007 they were 34,598 lives lost to suicide in United States alone? This are completed suicides because there are no accurate records on attempts that were unsuccessful. This translates to 94.8 suicides per day or 1 suicide every 15.2 minutes. A preliminary report showed an increase of 4.1% of suicides in young individuals ages 15 to 24 years from 2007 to 2008. Daunting numbers.
Suicide is the 11th cause of death in United States. This problem like many other medical problems has no prejudice and crosses all boundaries including but not limited to race, socio-economic, and educational status. Suicide is preventable, and in many occasions the warning signs are ignored because of the stigma around mental illness. Some people believe that talking about suicide will influence behavior in a negative fashion. That is wrong, most people give warning signs because they want help. Individuals that commit suicide in many occasions are looking for a solution to a complex problem and not to end a life. Suicide not only affects the victim but also the ones left behind to make sense of the senseless, to grieve while coping with the deep feelings of guilt that loved ones are left with.
Some of the risk factors are depression-the more episodes of depression the higher the risk; substance abuse also increases the risk of suicide because of the impaired judgement to make sound decisions; males are at higher risk and they also used more lethal violent methods, and a family history of suicide and previous attempts place individuals at higher level risk. People that are experiencing life changes or milestones are at higher risk. For example retirement, divorce, loss of a job, abandonment by a partner. Also children that are bullied at school are at greater risk as well. Indivuals who are coping with gender issues and acceptance are among those at risk as well.
Nobody wants to talk about suicide but we should all have our radar on the alert to identify people at risk and recommend them to seek help. We are losing too many lives and we must try to do our best to lower those numbers. Behind each number there is a story, and we should keep that in mind.
Some of the suicide warning signs are:
1) Ideas of dying
2) Substance abuse
3) Hopelessness
3) Reckless behavior
4) Giving meaningful things away
5) Mood changes like increased depression or anger
6) Feeling trapped like there is no way out
Today my life was touched by suicide. I found out that one my providers had ended his life. I was devastated to find out. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation that he must have felt to take his own life. He was a well balanced, successful individual. I hope that his soul is resting in peace, that peace that he was not able to find while he was alive.
Note: The statistics on this blog were taken from the American Association of Suicidology and they are latest national numbers available. http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/stats-and-tools/statistics
Suicide is the 11th cause of death in United States. This problem like many other medical problems has no prejudice and crosses all boundaries including but not limited to race, socio-economic, and educational status. Suicide is preventable, and in many occasions the warning signs are ignored because of the stigma around mental illness. Some people believe that talking about suicide will influence behavior in a negative fashion. That is wrong, most people give warning signs because they want help. Individuals that commit suicide in many occasions are looking for a solution to a complex problem and not to end a life. Suicide not only affects the victim but also the ones left behind to make sense of the senseless, to grieve while coping with the deep feelings of guilt that loved ones are left with.
Some of the risk factors are depression-the more episodes of depression the higher the risk; substance abuse also increases the risk of suicide because of the impaired judgement to make sound decisions; males are at higher risk and they also used more lethal violent methods, and a family history of suicide and previous attempts place individuals at higher level risk. People that are experiencing life changes or milestones are at higher risk. For example retirement, divorce, loss of a job, abandonment by a partner. Also children that are bullied at school are at greater risk as well. Indivuals who are coping with gender issues and acceptance are among those at risk as well.
Nobody wants to talk about suicide but we should all have our radar on the alert to identify people at risk and recommend them to seek help. We are losing too many lives and we must try to do our best to lower those numbers. Behind each number there is a story, and we should keep that in mind.
Some of the suicide warning signs are:
1) Ideas of dying
2) Substance abuse
3) Hopelessness
3) Reckless behavior
4) Giving meaningful things away
5) Mood changes like increased depression or anger
6) Feeling trapped like there is no way out
Today my life was touched by suicide. I found out that one my providers had ended his life. I was devastated to find out. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation that he must have felt to take his own life. He was a well balanced, successful individual. I hope that his soul is resting in peace, that peace that he was not able to find while he was alive.
Note: The statistics on this blog were taken from the American Association of Suicidology and they are latest national numbers available. http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/stats-and-tools/statistics
Thursday, September 15, 2011
The Devolution of Customer Service
What ever happened to customer service? Instead of adopting a process of evolution it has been going through a process of devolution.
This afternoon I went back to the university bookstore. I didn't have any other option, but revisiting this semester's torture chamber- at least for me. It brought back memories of my previous visit in which I went to inquire about my book order and one employee told me "it will come eventually". After that encounter my plan was to return that book when it finally arrive, and get it somewhere else. Today, I was trying to pick up "the book" that arrived on September 12th. I placed the order in August 30th through their online service. I have never used their online service before, so I made the assumption that it will be like an Amazon.com type experience. Not really!
After I arrived I had to wait to be acknowledge. It seemed like the piled boxes deserved better treatment and prompt attention. When I was finally greeted I explained the reason for my visit. A very polite lady asked me to follow her. She was going to try to find my order which was in the towers of boxes that were leaning against the wall. They were hundreds of boxes and bags, and nobody thought of putting them in an ordinal manner to facilitate retrieval. They were in disarray. I guess respect for people's time isn't included in the book price.
After the search came back empty she called the manager. Here comes a red head woman (not a natural one), with a medium frame. Her severe demeanor told me that things were going to be changing pretty quickly. She gave me a look that made feel like I was under attack. In a loud and rude manner-just like she was talking to the world- she asked me "why are you returning the book?" I answered because it is two weeks late and I bought it somewhere else. In an angry manner, she said, "well, you will have to wait until we go through all the boxes to be able to process the transaction." If you ever saw the movie Monster-in-Law, you might be able to remember when Jeniffer Lopez had this fantasy of slamming her future mother-in-law's head against a table. I had a similar thought, but I am aware that violence isn't a good conflict resolution technique. In my polite self I remained cool.
I was rescued by the first lady I encountered, and she took my information to process the return at a later time. I am very grateful that she treated me like I was human. Shouldn't good customer service be part of every business transaction? Who do we complaint when the department head abuses customers? Can compliants make a difference? My way of complaining is that I will never buy anything at the bookstore. It will probably not make such a great impact in their business but it will in my mental sanity. I will go and spend my money in a place that respects me and my time. It is very sad to see this type of behavior in an academic institution. Shouldn't we be an example to others?
This afternoon I went back to the university bookstore. I didn't have any other option, but revisiting this semester's torture chamber- at least for me. It brought back memories of my previous visit in which I went to inquire about my book order and one employee told me "it will come eventually". After that encounter my plan was to return that book when it finally arrive, and get it somewhere else. Today, I was trying to pick up "the book" that arrived on September 12th. I placed the order in August 30th through their online service. I have never used their online service before, so I made the assumption that it will be like an Amazon.com type experience. Not really!
After I arrived I had to wait to be acknowledge. It seemed like the piled boxes deserved better treatment and prompt attention. When I was finally greeted I explained the reason for my visit. A very polite lady asked me to follow her. She was going to try to find my order which was in the towers of boxes that were leaning against the wall. They were hundreds of boxes and bags, and nobody thought of putting them in an ordinal manner to facilitate retrieval. They were in disarray. I guess respect for people's time isn't included in the book price.
After the search came back empty she called the manager. Here comes a red head woman (not a natural one), with a medium frame. Her severe demeanor told me that things were going to be changing pretty quickly. She gave me a look that made feel like I was under attack. In a loud and rude manner-just like she was talking to the world- she asked me "why are you returning the book?" I answered because it is two weeks late and I bought it somewhere else. In an angry manner, she said, "well, you will have to wait until we go through all the boxes to be able to process the transaction." If you ever saw the movie Monster-in-Law, you might be able to remember when Jeniffer Lopez had this fantasy of slamming her future mother-in-law's head against a table. I had a similar thought, but I am aware that violence isn't a good conflict resolution technique. In my polite self I remained cool.
I was rescued by the first lady I encountered, and she took my information to process the return at a later time. I am very grateful that she treated me like I was human. Shouldn't good customer service be part of every business transaction? Who do we complaint when the department head abuses customers? Can compliants make a difference? My way of complaining is that I will never buy anything at the bookstore. It will probably not make such a great impact in their business but it will in my mental sanity. I will go and spend my money in a place that respects me and my time. It is very sad to see this type of behavior in an academic institution. Shouldn't we be an example to others?
Friday, August 26, 2011
My Journey as a Single Woman
I have been single since September 2007. It was bittersweet when my marriage ended but absolutely the right decision to make. At that time the road only had one way...OUT. Sometimes love isn't enough, and we have to be smart enough to realize that. Back then, the single life ahead scared the hell out of me, and I think I am still freaked out because I am still single. I keep telling everyone that it is by choice, but is that true? I don't know.
Being single isn't so glamorous. My social life has been impacted because most of my friends are in a stable relationship. I can't go out with them without feeling that I shouldn't be there, or experiencing guilt because I am keeping them away from their partners. It bothers me that I feel left out, and sometimes I wish there was a place where I could go and rent a boyfriend for a day, or even a few hours. Despite those feelings, I am happy that they have found their soulmates. Well, some of them, others just found a man.
I have been divorced twice and have been in love several times. I have loved with all I had, but here I am almost 4 years later still single and spending my Friday evenings watching Dateline. Am I a love reject? In the time that I have been single I have dated two wonderful guys. The first one helped me get up when I was down, and that was a year after I separated and I will be forever grateful, he has a special place in my heart. The second one I believed was (maybe I still do) my soulmate but the relationship had too many obstacles that hindered growth, and it suffocated. I think it is agonizing...refusing to die. He is the smartest guy I have ever met, and stubborn as hell. I learned a lot from him, but I treasured those memories so much that will keep them just for me.
As you may see, after two divorces I am not considered a love expert. I don't believe my divorces were failures. They were only relationships that had an expiration date. They were both very important people to whom I will always be connected. We were great people, but not meant for each other. I strongly believe that every person that comes to your life have a very specific purpose that sometimes isn't clear in plain sight, but will become clear as the time goes by.
Do I really want a boyfriend? Maybe... I know for fact that I don't need one. I don't need another half because I am complete. I want someone that brings himself to me happy, like I am. Someone independent, free spirit, outside of the box thinker, respectful (non-negotiable), loyal (non-negotiable), faithful(non-negotiable), loving to my kids who are my life (could be a deal breaker if absent), respectful of my time and the profession that I love, able to adapt to my crazy life, able to deal with my obsessions and compulsions, able to deal with the scrutiny of three teenage daughters (well 2 and a 21 year old one), someone that loves me just the way I am. In other words I don't want a fixer upper.
In my circle I am an outlier. I could hear people around me talking and questioning "why is she still single?", "she must have issues". I even got the "are you lesbian?" question. I don't know what my sexual orientation would have to do with being single because lesbians date, and as far as I know that isn't considered a defect that results in perpetual singlehood. Society scares me. Many people really believe that a woman cannot be happy without a partner. Some days I feel like I am living in the time of Noah and the ark's door is almost closing, so I should rush and get a mate before it does, to avoid being left out to drown in the waters of loneliness. Where do I go to find a good mate? Should I go to Market Basket, or maybe Hannaford?, The library? To church? Should I enter the men's room by mistake and just play dumb?
It hasn't been easy to find a good candidate that will love me and my four children. Am I too independent to tolerate a man, or for a man to tolerate me? Am I too demanding? Am I like the Kelly Clarkson song..."I never stray too far from the side walk"?, Am I afraid to get hurt?
I think I know why I am still single.... because I am not willing to lower my expectations, because I am not settling for average, because I know that if I wait the right person for me will come, and because I have a crazy schedule between my two jobs, my four children, and my doctorate student role that doesn't allow me time to explore what could be out there for me.
By no means I want you to think that I am just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right, because that isn't what modern independent women does. I will continue to enjoy my life everyday, like that is my last chance, like there is no tomorrow.
PS: Maybe I found Mr. Right already and I haven't realized it.
Being single isn't so glamorous. My social life has been impacted because most of my friends are in a stable relationship. I can't go out with them without feeling that I shouldn't be there, or experiencing guilt because I am keeping them away from their partners. It bothers me that I feel left out, and sometimes I wish there was a place where I could go and rent a boyfriend for a day, or even a few hours. Despite those feelings, I am happy that they have found their soulmates. Well, some of them, others just found a man.
I have been divorced twice and have been in love several times. I have loved with all I had, but here I am almost 4 years later still single and spending my Friday evenings watching Dateline. Am I a love reject? In the time that I have been single I have dated two wonderful guys. The first one helped me get up when I was down, and that was a year after I separated and I will be forever grateful, he has a special place in my heart. The second one I believed was (maybe I still do) my soulmate but the relationship had too many obstacles that hindered growth, and it suffocated. I think it is agonizing...refusing to die. He is the smartest guy I have ever met, and stubborn as hell. I learned a lot from him, but I treasured those memories so much that will keep them just for me.
As you may see, after two divorces I am not considered a love expert. I don't believe my divorces were failures. They were only relationships that had an expiration date. They were both very important people to whom I will always be connected. We were great people, but not meant for each other. I strongly believe that every person that comes to your life have a very specific purpose that sometimes isn't clear in plain sight, but will become clear as the time goes by.
Do I really want a boyfriend? Maybe... I know for fact that I don't need one. I don't need another half because I am complete. I want someone that brings himself to me happy, like I am. Someone independent, free spirit, outside of the box thinker, respectful (non-negotiable), loyal (non-negotiable), faithful(non-negotiable), loving to my kids who are my life (could be a deal breaker if absent), respectful of my time and the profession that I love, able to adapt to my crazy life, able to deal with my obsessions and compulsions, able to deal with the scrutiny of three teenage daughters (well 2 and a 21 year old one), someone that loves me just the way I am. In other words I don't want a fixer upper.
In my circle I am an outlier. I could hear people around me talking and questioning "why is she still single?", "she must have issues". I even got the "are you lesbian?" question. I don't know what my sexual orientation would have to do with being single because lesbians date, and as far as I know that isn't considered a defect that results in perpetual singlehood. Society scares me. Many people really believe that a woman cannot be happy without a partner. Some days I feel like I am living in the time of Noah and the ark's door is almost closing, so I should rush and get a mate before it does, to avoid being left out to drown in the waters of loneliness. Where do I go to find a good mate? Should I go to Market Basket, or maybe Hannaford?, The library? To church? Should I enter the men's room by mistake and just play dumb?
It hasn't been easy to find a good candidate that will love me and my four children. Am I too independent to tolerate a man, or for a man to tolerate me? Am I too demanding? Am I like the Kelly Clarkson song..."I never stray too far from the side walk"?, Am I afraid to get hurt?
I think I know why I am still single.... because I am not willing to lower my expectations, because I am not settling for average, because I know that if I wait the right person for me will come, and because I have a crazy schedule between my two jobs, my four children, and my doctorate student role that doesn't allow me time to explore what could be out there for me.
By no means I want you to think that I am just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right, because that isn't what modern independent women does. I will continue to enjoy my life everyday, like that is my last chance, like there is no tomorrow.
PS: Maybe I found Mr. Right already and I haven't realized it.
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