Lost and Found

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been trapped in the vacuum of stress. That toxic cycle that affects every area of my life. I have the image of seeing myself trying to escape the trap but I couldn't. And because life goes on, I had a paper due. I sat in front of the computer for hours trying to produce a paper. I stared at the blank screen for exactly three hours, and I produced one sentence. My brain was exhausted, but not as much as I was. Exhausted of being in survivor mode. The process was painful but by the end of the night the paper was completed.

I am exhausted, but why did I stop showing myself some love? My life has become a balancing act between work and school work. The little free I have I dedicate to others in order to maintain healthy relationships with family and friends, and in that process I forgot myself....I fell off my own list. I stopped doing the things that I enjoy...no scrap-booking, or jewelry making, or exercise, or healthy eating. It sounds like I am depressed but I am not. I am loaded with stress and forgot to take care of myself. My Yin and Yang are unbalanced and if I don't do something my health will suffer.

Its so easy to get lost and so hard to be found. I have to take action, and fall in love with me again. That's sounds weird, but when we love something, we cherish, we look after, we protect, we take care...
I started this morning, when on my way to work instead of making phone calls, I decided to listen to relaxing music in preparation for a busy day. On my way back I did the same thing as a way to decompress after a hard day before I went back to my kids and log in to class. It felt great to show myself some TLC.  Now I am looking forward to hit that treadmill to the music of Pitbull...yes...school work will have to wait until I am done. I am back on my list!

"If you produce positive energy in the air,

this attracts more positive energy,

besides cheer to those 

who really love you well."

Author unknown

The Art of Listening

     I considered myself a great listener. I am so good at it that I even get paid to listen to others. I spend all day listening to stories of sadness, happiness, pain, trauma, shame, pride and at times despair. I feel honored that they chose me to tell their story.  

     I don't only listen when I get paid, I also listen to co-workers, other nurses, and to anyone that wants to talk. I feel that people gravitate to me because of that skill. The stories they tell me, are all great and  allow me to look into their soul and learn from their experience. What an intimate moment that is. By listening, I help to alleviate someone's load.

     But where do someone that gets paid to listen to people's stories goes to tell her own? Who will listen to mine? Who will help alleviate my load? Do I have to pay someone? Who can I talk to without feeling that I am burdening them?

     It's harder than you think to find someone that is willing to listen to my rambling about stress, confusion, my feelings of overwhelm, missing school deadlines, and upcoming deadlines that will not be met, etc.

     Today felt like I had a story to tell but I had no one to tell it to. Today I missed everyone that I have shared stories with, those good listeners that lend me their ear so I could vent. I missed that coffee break in the partial and having someone there that listen without judging. But because I couldn't find anyone to talk to I will paste my story in this page, and that way I will not feel like I am imposing on others as I understand that everyone carries their own cross.

     Since the semester started I feel out of place, disorganize. It didn't help that I have to change jobs in the midst of it. On a scale from 1-10 I will rate my level of stress at 26...way off the charts. I feel my head is a bomb that might explode at any minute and I risk to lose valuable information. I have two online courses and my Internet decides to work intermittently and for that reason I am delayed on everything. I had thoughts of shooting my computer, but soon realized that I don't own a gun. I wanted to start running but didn't have the energy. I wanted to sleep but the level of caffeine in my system wouldn't allow it. I wanted to start cursing but my son was next to me and I didn't want to freak him out, or make his ears bleed. I feel like I am on the verge of a meltdown. Despite all that I look calm, cool and collected, just because I have been trained for it, and because I trust my abilities. These classes aren't going to kick my ass, because I am going to kick theirs. Nothing will stop me from graduating in May.

So just in case you didn't understand me, I hope the graphics below tell you how I really feel.

I am drowning in work....

...my brain is a mess...

...and I have more questions than answers.

             Thank you for listening...

Doubt

Doubt, doubt go way,

free my thoughts from your curse.

Is it reality or is not?

I don’t know, I wasn’t told.

The thoughts fester inside my head,

corrupting everything along the way.

The window is cloudy, and I can’t see,

so I will imagine what is within.

The story is ugly, and perhaps not real,

but it creates great upheaval.

Can we prevent it? Oh yes we can,

if we are transparent with the facts.

Is it fear or is it anger?

I am all confused with this matter.

Why is never the right time?

When only takes a minute to empathize.

It is our job to reassure,

 and make our loved ones feel secure.

Why cause more doubt, or more pain?

When relationships are at stake.

Never forget that doubt has two ends,

and at some point you could be taking the pain.

Just be careful, and be kind,

Doubt like Karma comes and bite.

By Maribel