Endings

     What is an ending? This word is powerful and at times devastating. Usually associated with a negative outcome. The dictionary defines ending as a bringing or coming to an end; termination; close; and as the final or concluding part. 
    
     For most humans, endings bring a feeling of emptiness and loss. To some extent we are turned off by endings. The end of the relationship, the end of life, the end of a marriage, etc.

     The ending that has affected me the most, is the end of life...death. While growing up this was a topic that no one spoke about. Children were yield from this topic like it was some sort of evil, or a contagious disease.  I grew up fearing death in part because it was unknown and foreign territory. As a kid, I saw death as a bad ending to our life story. I saw it out of place, almost unnatural. I was traumatized by the Francisco Oller's painting "El Velorio", and I am sure that was not his intention.

     I remember that during my first internship in my nurse practitioner program I was sent to a nursing home. I was devastated, and tried to work my way out with my advisor but it didn't work. I was doomed. I knew I was going to face death in there, and that scared me. During the first month of my internship, I was sent to assess a patient. As I entered the room I saw this frail woman, lying in bed, unconscious. She had a grayish color in her skin and her breathing was shallow. I went out and told the nurse in charge that she was dying and I didn't want to be in the room. I thought that she was going to be supportive of my choice but she wasn't. She sent me back to the room. Before I left she looked at me, grabbed my hands and said, "you should be proud  that the last voice she will hear before she leaves this world will be yours, she will not die alone". I went back and stayed with the patient holding hands until the time came. I gave her company but she gave me a lesson that changed my life and the way I view death.  She was not in pain or suffering. I just witnessed how she placed the last period to the last chapter of her life. She felt at peace, and I am glad that nurse pushed outside of my comfort zone to face the ending that I dreaded to face.

    In terms of relationships some people see their ending as a bad thing and even a failure.I have been the first in a lot of things in my family, for example I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first to graduate from college and first one to divorce, not only once, but twice.  Have I failed? Have my ex husbands failed me? Absolutely not!  I don't want to give the impression that I take divorce lightly. It is a difficult decision, because we all marry with the idea of spending the rest of lives with the chosen one. I see my two marriages as great experiences that changed the course of my life forever. Our relationships expired, they were not meant to be forever, but I wouldn't call them a failure...in the least. My life is richer after they ended, but my life was rich when I was married. Sometimes we delayed endings because we fear to start over. We sacrifice not to be judge or label relationship rejects. We take the attitude of a martyr. Life shouldn't be about those types of sacrifices. We live once, we only get one shot at it, so we need to make the best of it...with the right person or alone. I guess divorce could be the last act of love, when you become aware that you in the way of your partner's happiness.
     
      How do I look at endings right now? I see an ending as an opportunity to a new beginning, to a new journey, to a new experience.