Fall in its finest

     I went hiking today and I witnessed Fall in its finest gala. The colors were so inviting, the naked trees gave way to a view that was hidden before. The crisp air, the carpet of leaves and the sound of the branches as I stepped on was a wonderful experience.

     As every time that I am surrounded by nature I felt free. Nature help us keep things into perspective. Since this type of beauty its hard to describe with words I recorded my journey with pictures.





Prisioners of Our Past

     Today I spent some time talking to a beautiful older woman, with such a kind soul that mesmerized me. She caught my attention because behind all the great hair, the perfectly coordinated outfit and  her down to earth personality I saw sadness. Perhaps I wasn't able to get disconnected from my work role, but my curiosity grew by the minute.

    We chat for a while and it felt like we have met before. The conversation was flowing like a river and it got to a point that I felt comfortable telling her that her eyes were telling me a different story from the one she projected. In a nonchalant manner she said; "my eyes tell the real story. The story that I don't let out for fear of being label weak".

    I was surprised that she was so open about her feelings. She went on to say; "I am a prisoner of my past, and I don't know how to free myself". I said to her what do you mean?  Her eyes were teary, and for a moment I thought about my own past. I wanted to hear more about her story, so I snapped out of my fantasies and thoughts.
  
    She continue to say, "I guess I lost the key. I feel that I have bars around me  that don't allow me to move forward completely." I asked what are those bars? "They are scars created by men in my life. The wounds go back for years." I insisted, what are those bars? "Abandonment, infidelity, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, mistrust, lies." Havent't you forgive?, I asked. She answered, "I did but someone forgot to tell me how to forget, how to delete those painful memories from the conscious part of my brain". I didn't know what to say, so I went into academic mode, and cited a book I read some time ago- Forgiving the Unforgivable- that said; "To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance no wound could be transcended". She said; "the memories bring the pain, not to the extent it was when it happened, and also an incredible fear of vulnerability.  Every hurt is magnified and I crawl back to my safe place...loneliness. I want to avoid all possible pain." I said, you can't fully avoid to be vulnerable. I am certain that is the key to the prison that you have been hostage in. Embrace vulnerability and that will set you free. Fear is the lock that keeps that gate closed.

   It is interesting how easy we could tell people, just forgive and forget, but looking at the story of this woman, and looking at my own I remembered how hard it is to move from our past.

  The conversation went on for a long time but I want to keep some of just for me....


"Great grief...transforms the wretched."
                                              Victor Hugo

A Mother's Guilt

    I have a son that is 9 years old, and he is the sunshine in my life. He is my youngest. He is spoiled by me and his three sisters, to the point that at times he seems to want to run away. He has to live in a household of girls (me and his two sisters). I have noticed that he seemed kind of lonely and isolative. One day I decided to get him a special friend.
  
    On September 5th 2011 I brought him to the MSPCA and we adopted a beautiful gray kitten that he  called Meeko. That name came from the Disney movie Pocahontas. Meeko is such a great match for his personality, they both like to watch TV, to lay down and Meeko loves to be carried. The have become best friends, inseparable. AJ seems happier, he has found joy in other things. Now he hardly plays video games. It is like a match made in heaven. AJ didn't care much about a pet before, so this is a big change. He is not the only "boy" anymore, and he has shown great responsibility as well.

    Meeko has helped me with my cat phobia. His personality is so calm and friendly that I am not afraid of him, I can even hold him. Before he came to the house I couldn't tolerate being alone with a cat in the same room.

     That beautiful picture changed today. Meeko, a rambunctious 7 month old kitten stopped breathing, and I wasn't home. AJ didn't understand what was going on, so he took the cat's lifeless body to his big sister. He kept telling her "he can't die, he is my best friend". My boy is devastated and I have such great guilt. Number one I brought the cat to him, and number two because I wasn't there to take care of the situation.  I wasn't there for them. I am so angry. Today (perhaps not for the first time) I resented the women that could stay home taking care of the kids. Those women that never miss an event in their kids lives because they are there, present. I resented the ones that have a husband that cover the bases when they are not home.  

   Today, my mom magic doesn't seem to work. I can't bring Meeko back. I can't take his pain away. I am just a muggle (if you have seen Harry Potter you know what that is).

    If there is a cat heaven, I am sure Meeko is there. He brought my son happiness, a great deal of it. My son will never forget his first pet.

    I am sad that we didn't have a chance to take more pictures, to create more memories. Meeko left us too soon!