What is stress? Dictionary.com says, "is physical, mental or emotional strain". What is strain? Dictionary.com says it is "to stretch beyond a proper point or limit".
What do I think stress is?
Stress is...going to bed and dreaming about the schoolwork that you haven't complete yet.
Stress is...spending a Friday night reading a chapter on Operations Research Techniques and Interpretation.
Stress is...going to bed with a book, or worse than that... two books.
Stress is...having to get up on a Saturday and Sunday morning like you are going to work to be able to
complete your schoolwork by deadline.
Stress is... when your professor points out that in your posting you confused decision analysis with another
evaluation method.
Stress is...when your professor announces that you have to bring a SWOT analysis to the next class and you
don't even know what that is.
Stress is...having a paper due on Wednesday and haven't start the research yet.
Stress is...forgetting that your children will be on vacation for a week and not making any plans for them.
For the last two weeks I have experience what stress is. Not that I've never had, but I've experienced it in another level. I have been push and pulled in all possible directions. I have been up and down. My body have been tested. I have been trying to function at full capacity. I have been sleep deprived. I found out how it feels to be caffeine intoxicated after drinking about 10 cups of coffee a day to be able to accomplish what was expected of me. The worse isn't over yet, but let me tell you a secret... I wouldn't like it any other way. The only thing I regret is that I will not get the Mom of the Year Award.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Impotence
Yesterday, I went to my son's Inventions Play at his elementary school. As always, the kids put so much effort and were able to put a great and entertaining show.
Despite all the positive energy I had a deep feeling of sadness and impotence. While getting ready I received a call for my son. It was his father. Apparently my boy had called his father the night before to invite him to the show, and he left a message since the call wasn't answered. When my son brought me back the phone I was able to read the look of disappointment on his face. I asked him, what's the matter?, and he responded, "he said he is going to try" . I knew what that meant, since I've heard that response many times before. I just wanted to hug him. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work.
Throughout the show I was able to observed that he was distracted and never stopped looking at that door. Looking for daddy and daddy never showed up. Why it wasn't enough that I was there? Why he had to be one that didn't get a hug from dad at the end of the show? Why he needs to be one feeling disappointed? Why he needs to be one feeling less than special?
At that moment I wished I was a superhero with magical powers that could take all those feelings away. Or maybe better, I could have created a holographic image of his dad that will have brought a smile to his face. But I am not a superhero. I don't have special powers. I can't make feelings of sadness disappear. At that moment I just had a great feeling of impotence. Since I was pregnant I promised him that I was going to protect him and at that moment, I couldn't do it. How painful that was, and still is.
I have to say that the only way I could try to minimize those feelings are by always being present, and to never take his hope away.
Despite all the positive energy I had a deep feeling of sadness and impotence. While getting ready I received a call for my son. It was his father. Apparently my boy had called his father the night before to invite him to the show, and he left a message since the call wasn't answered. When my son brought me back the phone I was able to read the look of disappointment on his face. I asked him, what's the matter?, and he responded, "he said he is going to try" . I knew what that meant, since I've heard that response many times before. I just wanted to hug him. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work.
Throughout the show I was able to observed that he was distracted and never stopped looking at that door. Looking for daddy and daddy never showed up. Why it wasn't enough that I was there? Why he had to be one that didn't get a hug from dad at the end of the show? Why he needs to be one feeling disappointed? Why he needs to be one feeling less than special?
At that moment I wished I was a superhero with magical powers that could take all those feelings away. Or maybe better, I could have created a holographic image of his dad that will have brought a smile to his face. But I am not a superhero. I don't have special powers. I can't make feelings of sadness disappear. At that moment I just had a great feeling of impotence. Since I was pregnant I promised him that I was going to protect him and at that moment, I couldn't do it. How painful that was, and still is.
I have to say that the only way I could try to minimize those feelings are by always being present, and to never take his hope away.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
A Sunday in my Life!
Today I woke up at 7:30am. I just wanted to smash the alarm clock. My body didn't allow me to get out of bed until 8:30am. I had an extra bold cup of coffee to awake my brain, because the statistics book was waiting for me. The last chapter- 27 pages of torture, all finished within 1 hour and a half. I needed another break and another cup of coffee, and maybe breakfast, so I could start typing my report that was due yesterday.
By noon my report was done and posted. I took another break to answer a phone call, and while talking I started to sort the laundry and put my first load in the washer. Around 1:30pm I went back to my room, cup of coffee (another one) in hand because the Healthcare Management book was waiting for me. Between that time and 4:30p I was able to complete the assigned reading and washed and dry 4-5 loads of laundry.
At 5:00pm I decided to go outside and clear the ice from the driveway. An hour later I finally go back inside and started to order dinner because I had no desire, nor the energy to put my hands on a pot. Honestly if I had to cook I was going to bed hungry. We had dinner and at 7pm I go back to my room and start typing the assigned homework for Healthcare Management which was due today.
My bed looks like a bomb exploded in it, they are papers and books that my brain refuses to recognize. I can't register any longer.
While typing I was also trying to watch the Super Bowl. Suddenly I heard the washer's alarm calling me, I wish I could shoot at it. As I finished in the laundry room I realized that it's my day to do dishes, so I do them. I got carried away so I wiped all the counters, then go back to the laundry room and continue to wipe the surfaces there as well. Back to the Super Bowl with no idea of what is happening. I wish I could go to bed right now. At 8:45pm I helped my son in the shower, and I started to clear my bed, get my clothes ready for tomorrow. At 10:15pm I drove my daughter's boyfriend home.
At 10:45pm I'm back home trying to relax while drinking a glass of red wine.
.....and my daughter just brought me some papers to fill out, of course for tomorrow morning. The work of a mother never ends.
By noon my report was done and posted. I took another break to answer a phone call, and while talking I started to sort the laundry and put my first load in the washer. Around 1:30pm I went back to my room, cup of coffee (another one) in hand because the Healthcare Management book was waiting for me. Between that time and 4:30p I was able to complete the assigned reading and washed and dry 4-5 loads of laundry.
At 5:00pm I decided to go outside and clear the ice from the driveway. An hour later I finally go back inside and started to order dinner because I had no desire, nor the energy to put my hands on a pot. Honestly if I had to cook I was going to bed hungry. We had dinner and at 7pm I go back to my room and start typing the assigned homework for Healthcare Management which was due today.
My bed looks like a bomb exploded in it, they are papers and books that my brain refuses to recognize. I can't register any longer.
While typing I was also trying to watch the Super Bowl. Suddenly I heard the washer's alarm calling me, I wish I could shoot at it. As I finished in the laundry room I realized that it's my day to do dishes, so I do them. I got carried away so I wiped all the counters, then go back to the laundry room and continue to wipe the surfaces there as well. Back to the Super Bowl with no idea of what is happening. I wish I could go to bed right now. At 8:45pm I helped my son in the shower, and I started to clear my bed, get my clothes ready for tomorrow. At 10:15pm I drove my daughter's boyfriend home.
At 10:45pm I'm back home trying to relax while drinking a glass of red wine.
.....and my daughter just brought me some papers to fill out, of course for tomorrow morning. The work of a mother never ends.
This has been one of those days that I don't want to replicate. I am so exhausted, that I might not be able to finish that glass of wine because sleep will hit me.
Motherhood, it has its good and bad days...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Hostage
Yesterday, I had no work so I had time to rest..... What is the problem with that? Moms aren't supposed to rest. Rest is not build into our schedule. When you are a single mother there is no back up, no assistant. I had so many things to do. For example my Christmas tree is somewhere around the living room, the garlands are still decorating the stair railings, a second Christmas tree still up in my bedroom, and I needed to read for school.
As I was getting ready to read, here comes my beautiful 16 year old daughter with the sweetest look on her face and asked me, "do you want to watch a movie with me?" That was not any movie. It was Pirates of the Caribbean - At World End, and that movie lasts over three hours. I started freaking out because it was 4:30pm and my class was meeting at 7:30pm. I just saw Atul Gawande's article staring at me, all its 10 pages of stories. Before I could say a word the movie was in the DVD player. I then realized her question was rhetorical. I tried to sneak some reading when she wasn't looking, but she had me under surveillance. I felt hostage. My brain was going at a 100 miles per hour. I felt like I had attention deficit disorder. The time to go class arrived and the movie was still going, so I thought I had escape it. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! As soon as I logged off from class, she says with the same sweet smile, "I paused the movie so we could watch the last hour together".
At that moment I just had to surrender. She wasn't giving up. I needed to allow myself to be present, I needed to be parent, not a student. What is the worse that could happen if I can't complete the assigned reading?
I love that she thought of me. I am sure many parents would love to receive an invitation like that one, and not all parents do. I am lucky she still wants to spend time with me and to have her in my life. The class will be there next week, the article I could read any time, but a 1:1 period with my daughter is priceless. I am glad she insisted. She taught me a lesson..."don't give up!" I wonder, where did she learn that from? I hope she will always keep me hostage of that beautiful love that only children are able to provide. As a mother sometimes I lose perspective of things, and I am glad that my kids never allow me to completely forget what is important in life, and where my priorities should be.
We enjoyed that last hour of the movie and we are making plans to go see the new one coming out in March.
As I was getting ready to read, here comes my beautiful 16 year old daughter with the sweetest look on her face and asked me, "do you want to watch a movie with me?" That was not any movie. It was Pirates of the Caribbean - At World End, and that movie lasts over three hours. I started freaking out because it was 4:30pm and my class was meeting at 7:30pm. I just saw Atul Gawande's article staring at me, all its 10 pages of stories. Before I could say a word the movie was in the DVD player. I then realized her question was rhetorical. I tried to sneak some reading when she wasn't looking, but she had me under surveillance. I felt hostage. My brain was going at a 100 miles per hour. I felt like I had attention deficit disorder. The time to go class arrived and the movie was still going, so I thought I had escape it. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! As soon as I logged off from class, she says with the same sweet smile, "I paused the movie so we could watch the last hour together".
At that moment I just had to surrender. She wasn't giving up. I needed to allow myself to be present, I needed to be parent, not a student. What is the worse that could happen if I can't complete the assigned reading?
I love that she thought of me. I am sure many parents would love to receive an invitation like that one, and not all parents do. I am lucky she still wants to spend time with me and to have her in my life. The class will be there next week, the article I could read any time, but a 1:1 period with my daughter is priceless. I am glad she insisted. She taught me a lesson..."don't give up!" I wonder, where did she learn that from? I hope she will always keep me hostage of that beautiful love that only children are able to provide. As a mother sometimes I lose perspective of things, and I am glad that my kids never allow me to completely forget what is important in life, and where my priorities should be.
We enjoyed that last hour of the movie and we are making plans to go see the new one coming out in March.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Battlefield
I remember when we had quiet dinners. When we where able to talk about what happened at school and at work. Yes, those were the good old days. That was before our house was invaded by pets. I have to admit that I am not an animal lover, but I allowed myself to get manipulated into getting not one, but two pets. My daughters must have gotten me in a vulnerable moment. They came with the idea that pets are therapeutic and that they teach children responsibilty. They probably have been reading my books. The pets are a dog and a cat. I have to disclose that I have a terrible phobia to cats. So this poor creature hates when I am in the house because she has to be behind a closed door. Her name is Alice and she is all white, just like a ghost. The fact that she seem to glow in the dark doesn't help with my fears. Our dog, let me correct that, my daughter's dog is Snoopy. He was so nice before he came to our house. Now he looks like he is possessed by some type of evil. He chews on my shoes, my school bag, he pees on my floor, he spills my trash and wants to take ownership of my couch. To show him that he is not welcome I had a gate installed to block his entrance into my room.
Going back to the dinner table. I strongly believe that my two daughters have adopted the personality of the cat and the dog and they behave likewise at the dinner table. Their arguments have become the nightly entertainment. Some days it feels like a battlefield. I have to say that I haven't seen the therapeutic effect nor the increase in the sense of responsibility that pets could teach children. I do have to say I have seen a ten fold improvement in their ability to debate. They have become masters of the spoken word. They now have vocabulary I have never heard, and that I probably should not look for the meaning. They have been practicing new ways of showing affection to each other. I agree with them that pets have a great impact in children, we just disagree in the kind of impact. Not a waste after all.
Going back to the dinner table. I strongly believe that my two daughters have adopted the personality of the cat and the dog and they behave likewise at the dinner table. Their arguments have become the nightly entertainment. Some days it feels like a battlefield. I have to say that I haven't seen the therapeutic effect nor the increase in the sense of responsibility that pets could teach children. I do have to say I have seen a ten fold improvement in their ability to debate. They have become masters of the spoken word. They now have vocabulary I have never heard, and that I probably should not look for the meaning. They have been practicing new ways of showing affection to each other. I agree with them that pets have a great impact in children, we just disagree in the kind of impact. Not a waste after all.
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