My Dream No More...

Some time ago I started this blog to help me cope with the stress of balancing motherhood and my post-graduate education, and it was one of the most effective coping mechanisms I have ever tried... besides baking. Today, its time to close this blog and write my last entry. Its a mixture of emotions, because we never want to let go what has helped us.

I will start by saying that it feels great to have fulfilled a long term dream. When I was 16 I had this crazy idea that I wrote in my "life plan" as a goal, and that was that I will have a doctorate degree before the age of 50. And what is a dream if we don't try to make it a reality? ...only a thought. I am so proud of what I have done. My parents didn't attend college, nor finish high school but my mother instilled in me a love for school and learning. She never doubted that I was going to attend college, neither did I. I was the first person in my family to graduate from high school, college, master and now doctorate. As the oldest I had the responsibility to be a role model, first for my siblings and cousins, then to my children.

When I decided to return to school in 2009, it was a tough road, as I was trying to cope with the heartbreak of a separation (in 2007) and impending divorce. School kept me grounded and awakened that warrior spirit that was dormant in me. I fell in love again...with a challenge.

During those four years I lost friends, I gained new ones, I changed jobs, saw my oldest  daughter graduating college, my second daughter graduating high school, I was betrayed, I was offended, I was mistreated and I was also celebrated,  but nothing derailed me from the path that I chose. No one was getting on the way of me reaching my goal. I had other women tried to make me feel guilty and they succeeded, but talking to one of my professors made me reaffirm that my kids were going to reap the benefits of my efforts. I lead by example, I strongly believe that you don't quit when things get difficult, you try harder. I once told the students at U Mass Bring Diversity and Leadership to Nursing program, 'When life squeezes you, you just give juice', and that's exactly what I did.

Throughout this process I became a better person, I gained new insight on the self, I gained  strength, wisdom, confidence...I evolved. Life is a constant process of evolution, taking life experiences and use them for growth. I have no regrets of any decision I have made during those four years. I sacrificed a lot and it was all worth it.

The doctorate degree is my dream no more, so now I need to start developing new dreams, new goals. Life is dynamic and we need to move at its rhythm. Inertia always scares me. Look what happens to stagnant waters...I am not sure what is awaiting for me out there, but believe me, I dream...and I dream big. I want to push my degree beyond its boundaries, I want to try new experiences, I want a new challenge, I want to discover new talents, and put them to use not for my own benefit, but to the benefit of many. I want to make a difference and I know I can.

I will leave this blog by encouraging everyone to remove the fear from the equation, and ask yourself "What will you do if you weren't afraid?" Don't be afraid of chasing a dream, challenge the stereotypes, challenge ideas, challenge your own thinking and your own abilities... Don't be afraid of exploring your greatest potential. We only get one shot at life, so we have the responsibility to make this a great experience...the best one we can imagine. Don't be an expectator of your own life...just live, and live big.

Believe in yourself....the results will surprise you, and you will be amaze how far you can get when you push beyond your limits. 

Thank you for supporting me!

PS: I need to come up with a new title to my next blog. Any ideas?????

Special Easter Dinner

Today, I got one of the most special gifts that I have ever received. My oldest daughter came home with her boyfriend and they made a meal for us. I was not expecting such a great meal, and not because I didn't believe in her culinary expertise, but because I was evaluating her based on my own abilities.

When I came home from the yoga class, she was already cooking and the delicious smell of the rosemary and garlic potatoes hit me. I guess she had started baking dessert the night before. At that moment I realize that I needed to leave the kitchen area and I exiled myself to my bedroom. I wanted to give her room to shine...and she did.

Her menu was: Roasted peppered lamb, orange cilantro rice, beans, broccoli and cheese casserole, rosemary and garlic roasted potatoes, corn bread and raspberry-lemon bars. All these from scratch. I couldn't believe when I saw her boyfriend crushing crackers for the casserole topping. Everything was great and super delicious. Their act freed me from stress and worries that usually start a week in advanced. I am grateful because I had a few bad weeks, and I didn't have the energy or motivation to do the things that I usually do.

Despite this wonderful dinner, the most wonderful gift was her...my daughter. I have been blessed to have such a wonderful child, who has grown into a remarkable woman that is caring and willing at her young age to perform selfless acts like she did today. You amaze me and I frequently wonder what have I done to deserve you. I remember that the first picture I had of you as an infant, was in a frame that said "A Star is Born", and let me tell you that star is shinning brighter than ever.
 
Me dear daughter I love you with the core of my being and I am very happy to have you in my life. Thank you for a wonderful Easter dinner!

The Final Lap

I feel exhausted and almost fainting,

because of the stress of this long journey.

I need to finish, I shall achieve,

What used to be an unfulfilled dream.

My thoughts are running at full speed,

Always thinking what’s next on the list.

Could be results or implications,

Maybe a poster or presentation.

I am so tired, I can’t think straight,

Not even caffeine could keep me awake.

Some days I feel I can’t not more,

but still peel myself off the floor.

 It is insane, that the end is so near,

and soon this pain will disappear.

I will not fail, I will succeed,

because failure ain’t in my genes.

What will be next?

I sure don’t know.

But I will celebrate,

What I have done.

By Maribel Ortiz

The Road to Success Isn't a Lonely One

This week has been rough. Too much to do and too little time. At least that's how it seems through my student's eyes. I may have missed a deadline, but not because I didn't work hard.

While I was shoveling snow today, and wasting time feeling sorry for myself, while cursing my neighbors who all have snow blowers, and do the job in half the time I thought of all the wonderful things that happened to me this week, and even this month. I decided to get out of the self pity swamp that I have put myself in. Why is it our human nature to focus on the negative, on the shortcomings, on the 1% that we missed?

This past month has been wonderful, and I will share why. This week I found out that my research abstract was accepted to be presented at that Northeast Regional Nurse Practitioner's Conference that will be held in May. I am greatly looking forward to that. I was able to get a perfect score on my psycho-pharmacology exam, with a comment that said "congratulations on a stellar exam". My professor is awesome and he will not compliment if not deserved, so this one I took very seriously. My advisor commented on my manuscript and called a me "a great writer". I had a great week at work, I am adjusting well, I am meeting new people, and patients seem to be transitioning well to my style.

Most important than all that were two messages that I have received from my daughters. I still read them often and relive the warmth they brought to my soul. They go as follow:

"I want to thank you for everything you've ever done for us. It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful  you are. I've only gotten this far in life because I have the strongest female example to learn from. I love you."

"Hey Ma, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I know I don't say it enough but I appreciate everything you do for me. Love you."

 All this wonderful things didn't go to my head or make me feel arrogant, by contrary I thought of the people that had been there to help me. I thought about God as my source of wisdom. I thought of the person that helps the most, and that is my mother. She does so much for me that I will need a notebook to write it down. She has been taking care of the things that I don't have the time to do so I can focus on the studying part. She knows how much disorganization stresses me out, and she makes sure the environment looks to the part. That is priceless. I also thought of my two youngest kids who never complaint when I am too tired to cook, too late for dinner, didn't get to the laundry on time, and so on.

I am so blessed. For all my successes this past month I will thank God, my mother and my children who are my greatest love and biggest motivation.

Looking back, I guess shoveling was therapeutic after all.

Lost and Found

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been trapped in the vacuum of stress. That toxic cycle that affects every area of my life. I have the image of seeing myself trying to escape the trap but I couldn't. And because life goes on, I had a paper due. I sat in front of the computer for hours trying to produce a paper. I stared at the blank screen for exactly three hours, and I produced one sentence. My brain was exhausted, but not as much as I was. Exhausted of being in survivor mode. The process was painful but by the end of the night the paper was completed.

I am exhausted, but why did I stop showing myself some love? My life has become a balancing act between work and school work. The little free I have I dedicate to others in order to maintain healthy relationships with family and friends, and in that process I forgot myself....I fell off my own list. I stopped doing the things that I enjoy...no scrap-booking, or jewelry making, or exercise, or healthy eating. It sounds like I am depressed but I am not. I am loaded with stress and forgot to take care of myself. My Yin and Yang are unbalanced and if I don't do something my health will suffer.

Its so easy to get lost and so hard to be found. I have to take action, and fall in love with me again. That's sounds weird, but when we love something, we cherish, we look after, we protect, we take care...
I started this morning, when on my way to work instead of making phone calls, I decided to listen to relaxing music in preparation for a busy day. On my way back I did the same thing as a way to decompress after a hard day before I went back to my kids and log in to class. It felt great to show myself some TLC.  Now I am looking forward to hit that treadmill to the music of Pitbull...yes...school work will have to wait until I am done. I am back on my list!

"If you produce positive energy in the air,

this attracts more positive energy,

besides cheer to those 

who really love you well."

Author unknown

The Art of Listening

     I considered myself a great listener. I am so good at it that I even get paid to listen to others. I spend all day listening to stories of sadness, happiness, pain, trauma, shame, pride and at times despair. I feel honored that they chose me to tell their story.  

     I don't only listen when I get paid, I also listen to co-workers, other nurses, and to anyone that wants to talk. I feel that people gravitate to me because of that skill. The stories they tell me, are all great and  allow me to look into their soul and learn from their experience. What an intimate moment that is. By listening, I help to alleviate someone's load.

     But where do someone that gets paid to listen to people's stories goes to tell her own? Who will listen to mine? Who will help alleviate my load? Do I have to pay someone? Who can I talk to without feeling that I am burdening them?

     It's harder than you think to find someone that is willing to listen to my rambling about stress, confusion, my feelings of overwhelm, missing school deadlines, and upcoming deadlines that will not be met, etc.

     Today felt like I had a story to tell but I had no one to tell it to. Today I missed everyone that I have shared stories with, those good listeners that lend me their ear so I could vent. I missed that coffee break in the partial and having someone there that listen without judging. But because I couldn't find anyone to talk to I will paste my story in this page, and that way I will not feel like I am imposing on others as I understand that everyone carries their own cross.

     Since the semester started I feel out of place, disorganize. It didn't help that I have to change jobs in the midst of it. On a scale from 1-10 I will rate my level of stress at 26...way off the charts. I feel my head is a bomb that might explode at any minute and I risk to lose valuable information. I have two online courses and my Internet decides to work intermittently and for that reason I am delayed on everything. I had thoughts of shooting my computer, but soon realized that I don't own a gun. I wanted to start running but didn't have the energy. I wanted to sleep but the level of caffeine in my system wouldn't allow it. I wanted to start cursing but my son was next to me and I didn't want to freak him out, or make his ears bleed. I feel like I am on the verge of a meltdown. Despite all that I look calm, cool and collected, just because I have been trained for it, and because I trust my abilities. These classes aren't going to kick my ass, because I am going to kick theirs. Nothing will stop me from graduating in May.

So just in case you didn't understand me, I hope the graphics below tell you how I really feel.

I am drowning in work....

...my brain is a mess...

...and I have more questions than answers.

             Thank you for listening...

Doubt

Doubt, doubt go way,

free my thoughts from your curse.

Is it reality or is not?

I don’t know, I wasn’t told.

The thoughts fester inside my head,

corrupting everything along the way.

The window is cloudy, and I can’t see,

so I will imagine what is within.

The story is ugly, and perhaps not real,

but it creates great upheaval.

Can we prevent it? Oh yes we can,

if we are transparent with the facts.

Is it fear or is it anger?

I am all confused with this matter.

Why is never the right time?

When only takes a minute to empathize.

It is our job to reassure,

 and make our loved ones feel secure.

Why cause more doubt, or more pain?

When relationships are at stake.

Never forget that doubt has two ends,

and at some point you could be taking the pain.

Just be careful, and be kind,

Doubt like Karma comes and bite.

By Maribel