The Anatomy of My Summer

As the summer is winding down, I can't help but analyze what had happened since this wonderful season started. Its been a crazy ride, crazier than Bizarro, that great roller coaster in Six Flags that  I am terrified of. The problem in life is that the rides aren't always avoidable like I chose to do in the amusement park.

I started the summer disorganized and with lots of plans. I ended the summer disorganized and with lots plans. I guess I could get an A for being consistent.  I had about 10 books I wanted to read. I read one and the other one bored me to death half way, so I dropped it. Just in case you care to know which is the  book that bored me, it was Fifty Shades of Grey. I couldn't understand the rave about it...or maybe I was just jealous of the fantastic sexual life that Anastasia Steele had.

During the summer I traveled the continuum of emotions from a great deal of stress to the thrill of going out with friends, family get togethers and vacation.  During stressfull times I had to depend on people. If you know me well, you will know that's a stressor on its own. I am a fan of self reliance. I always depend on my own means and internal resources. I found the greatest support in my family, as always. I realized that not everyone that says "I will help you" really does, and not everyone that is capable of helping chooses to share their means. I don't mean money but other resources.

I had a few loses. Some hurt me more than others.  Some hit the core of my being. There are wounds that are bleeding but eventually will heal. As I age I realize that interpersonal relationships are so complicated and I think I have lost the patience to deal with them. Or maybe they were always like that and I didn't know better. I saw myself focusing on other things to avoid dealing with my own and hated myself at then end...I lost and I gain. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't. I am proud  that despite knowing being in the losing team in many ocassions, I still played the game and gave it my best shot. I lived to the fullest but that wasn't enough, I gave but not enough, I loved but not enough, I cared but not enough, I was nice but not enough, I was kind but not enough, I was good but not good enough....I don't need negative people in my life. Neither friends that make me feel like I am in the clearance rack. I love myself. Some may think that's arrogant to say but I will label it self worth.

As the fall enters and nature will go through that wonderful transformation, I am choosing to go through it as well. Just like the trees in the fall I will let go of all the dead leaves and in the spring I  will be looking forward to that wonderful rebirth.

The Tsunami

     Not so long ago, we were hit by a tsunami, a giant wave that changed the landscape that was so familiar to us.

     This giant wave came without warning, and hit us with its merciless force. This tsunami was different, because it wasn't a giant seawall. This tsunami was called abrupt change.

     This wave of disruption took away people that we loved and cared about to unknown places. Some of the survivors have changed forever...their lives impacted in ways that at times we cannot even describe. There is fear, sadness, insecurity, and mistrust. The landscape forever changed. I am surprised by the reaction of the survivors, myself included. I see us avoiding the "talk", isolating and expecting the next blow...the aftermath.

     It's very sad how the appointed believe they can accomplish change when they treat it as a step. Change is a process and for it to be effective, people need to be ready to change. Change isn't something you can push down someone's throat without choking them. There are stages to go through.What happened to the work of  Prochaska and DiClemente? What happened with the five stages of change- pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation/action, maintenance, termination and recycling?

     Before any endeavor takes place, readiness to change needs to be assessed.  When those steps are not taken into account people may experience serious distress, acute stress reactions and they may exhibit resistance. By neglecting the process the risk of losing great people increases.

     Sometimes I think that the ones gone are lucky, since they don't have to experience the daily struggles to survive the day. I am not able to confirm that, since they are not around to answer my questions.

     I strongly believe that agencies have the responsibility to provide an environment that is healthy, and fertile so people could flourish. If they hold back the nutrients and resources they are failing us...

     How can we provide services and meet someone's needs if our own needs aren't met? How can we jump the lake without getting wet, or the swamp without getting mud on our clothes?

     Let's brace ourselves for the unknown...
    

An Eventful Night!

Today I had my family over for a summer cookout. When I say family, I don't mean my kids. I use family in the Latino sense. 

My life is so complicated, at times absorbed by work, and school; and my family brings such great simplicity that places everything into perspective.

We ate, we laughed, we almost cried and some almost fought ...  a normal family.

At the end of the night all the adults sat around the living room, some on the couches and some on the floor. In that space that is hardly used I had the core of my upbringing, I had the ones that helped become the woman that I am today. It was like having a treasure right there in front of my eyes...my mom, my grandma, my uncles, my aunts and my cousin. We told stories of passion, pain, suffering, courage, love and above all... family.

By listening to the stories I realized the impact that my family had  and still have in my life and the way I raise my children. I saw  courage,  strong will to go on despite the obstacles. I saw the great passion placed in relationships and the pain experienced after they end. I saw open wounds that still bleed occasionally. I heard about adultery and how a marriage became stronger after it. I heard about forgiveness, and motherhood. I heard how one have been there for the other in times of pain and suffering to help carry their load. Right there I reaffirmed how lucky I am to be born in this family. I also realized that I want to do this more often because I don't do it enough. I want to be a hoarder of memories, and allow moments like this to take my breath away... many more times.


We are not perfect, but we are perfectly imperfect. This family is like a forest, there are different trees but they all bring beauty to the scenery. Everyone is purposeful and beautiful in their own way. The most important thing is to accept each other as we are because we all have a story behind us and we need to create the forum for those stories to be told.  

Misery

Misery

There are so many situations that I don't understand.

Perhaps, the Superior Being has a big plan.

There is chaos around me and I can't be still.

When will this storm cease?

While looking around I just realized,

that I am standing alone in this demise.

So much destruction, so much pain.

How can I make it go away?

It's hard to bring comfort to the broken soul,

when I don't know how to make them whole.

There is no drug that I could give,

that will cure their misery.

How can I impact the human race,

when I don't think I am that brave. 

Some days I feel a tornado has sucked me in,

and I am just screaming to be set free.

I wish I have all the power to create change, 

so I could make their pain go away.

Since I don't have magical powers, 

I will continue to listen and hold their hand while they are crying.

by Maribel Ortiz

What is love?

I have befriended someone that I admire and look forward to share stories with twice a week. Kind of Tuesdays and Thursdays with.... He reminds me of my best friend from childhood who passed away several years ago. They both have a relaxed demeanor that is appealing and make people gravitate towards them.  He's that type of person who makes anyone feel at ease, never judgmental with a sound opinion of the environment. He is a good story teller that always leave the listener wanting to hear more.

Couple of weeks ago we were chatting and suddenly we were in deep conversation, so deep that I almost drown when one of his questions took me by surprise. "What is love?" That sounds pretty easy and without hesitation I started to answer about what is love for the world, but he stopped me and asked, "no I meant what is love for you?" My mind went blank, and I started feeling like a hamster on a wheel. I was moving but not going anywhere. I started answering and then realized that all that bull shit sounded like a business transaction, and not a love definition.

I haven't had a "normal" relationship since I separated from my ex-husband in September 2007. Yeah, soon will be five years. Since it's been so long, did I forget what love is? Did I forget how it feels? Am I avoiding the "L" talk? I don't know the answer to those questions, or perhaps I don't care to find out. I believe his question created a chain of thoughts that still going, building a chain that will never end.

I don't need a man to love me so I could be happy. At some I will want a man to share my life with. I am in a place in which I feel complete, and realized and I am in love with life, with my kids, with my family, my profession and my schooling. Love is love no matter the source. Some people may think I am missing out but I am not, because love not only comes with nice things, but also ugly ones. I don't miss the snoring in my ear, the extra laundry, the schedule hoarder, the adviser, etc...

I had experienced love and the memories (some of them) are so rich that still bring a smile to my face.
I guess love is not so easy to define because its relative to each person. If I ask 20 people they will all have a different definition and they will all be right. I came across a writing from Paulo Coelho that said; "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." I like that definition...

I have too many questions and not many answers... "Life is too short to be wasted in finding answers. Enjoy the questions!"

Free Time

Free Time

Sitting home all relaxed,

but suddenly I went mad.

Something was wrong, out of whack,

what is it? I don't know what.

My bed is clear, my head is too.

There is no homework to do.

That's what is, what's out of whack.

I have time, the one I haven't had.

I will enjoy it, I will sure do.

I will reconnect, I will see you soon.

I will work out and will eat out.

I will sleep and sing out loud.

I will probably do my happy dance,

as soon as I have a chance.

I will dance like no one's watching,

because I know this will soon be passing.

Author Maribel Ortiz

Shortcomings or strenghts

   A few days ago I went to a workshop titled "Forgiveness in Psychotherapy". Those hours were emotional and powerful. The speaker was so great that he helped us go inside ourselves and see what wounds we still have open and how we were doing in the complex process of forgiveness. I will describe that emotional journey in another entry because today I want to focus in the things that I have taken for granted.

     During the meeting I was sitting next to man, who was deaf. He was able to get the information spoken with the help of a stenographer. The stenotype operator wrote everything for him to keep him informed and he read it from the computer screen in front of him. At that moment I realized that I have taken my hearing for granted. He probably read the words, but he missed the musical sound of speech, the emotion in the words, the different accents that helps us create stories. How blessed I am that I can hear. I saw how difficult it was for him to communicate with others, because he had to read lips and we were not aware at all times of our positioning.

     In the next table there was another gentleman that was bound to a wheelchair. I thought of how many things he is missing. I am so blessed that I can make full use of my legs, that I can go hiking, that I can dance, that I can move around my office. I love the sense of freedom and independence that walking allows me to enjoy.





  Today I was walking outside while waiting for my brother to give me a ride back home. It was cold and windy, and those 15 minutes felt eternal. I started to look around for interesting things to take pictures of. I looked down the bridge and saw the camp of a homeless person. I immediately thought how blessed I was. How can someone survive and enjoy life under such circumstances? I  felt guilty because even though I am not a big complainer I have complained sometimes about not having a bigger kitchen with granite countertops, or a sun room, or more space in the bathroom, or new vinyl siding. I realized that I am blessed by not having to be at the mercy of nature, by not having the fear of being arrested because of camping on illegal grounds. I am blessed because at night I can go home.

     It may sound redundant, but I need to emphasized that I have a blessed life. When I was a kid we didn't have excess but we didn't lack anything. I never saw myself as poor because everyone around me was on the same situation, so I didn't know different. My backyard was the whole barrio, my family was the whole neighborhood, we probably didn't have a lot of money but I had a rich childhood. I have been blessed with the gift of health. All my senses are intact, I can see the beauty that surrounds me, I can hear my children's laughter and the emotion in their words, I can go places without help....Oh God I am blessed! I can't say that the people I mentioned aren't. I don't even see their limitation as a shortcoming, because they have overcome it and they have accomplished what many people couldn't believe they will. Even the homeless, because not everyone could survive under those conditions. I see all three as an example of strength.

     Please be thankful everyday for the gifts life or the Superior Being has given you. Life sometimes gets rough, but by no means should we forget that those issues are temporary and life goes on.