Misery

Misery

There are so many situations that I don't understand.

Perhaps, the Superior Being has a big plan.

There is chaos around me and I can't be still.

When will this storm cease?

While looking around I just realized,

that I am standing alone in this demise.

So much destruction, so much pain.

How can I make it go away?

It's hard to bring comfort to the broken soul,

when I don't know how to make them whole.

There is no drug that I could give,

that will cure their misery.

How can I impact the human race,

when I don't think I am that brave. 

Some days I feel a tornado has sucked me in,

and I am just screaming to be set free.

I wish I have all the power to create change, 

so I could make their pain go away.

Since I don't have magical powers, 

I will continue to listen and hold their hand while they are crying.

by Maribel Ortiz

What is love?

I have befriended someone that I admire and look forward to share stories with twice a week. Kind of Tuesdays and Thursdays with.... He reminds me of my best friend from childhood who passed away several years ago. They both have a relaxed demeanor that is appealing and make people gravitate towards them.  He's that type of person who makes anyone feel at ease, never judgmental with a sound opinion of the environment. He is a good story teller that always leave the listener wanting to hear more.

Couple of weeks ago we were chatting and suddenly we were in deep conversation, so deep that I almost drown when one of his questions took me by surprise. "What is love?" That sounds pretty easy and without hesitation I started to answer about what is love for the world, but he stopped me and asked, "no I meant what is love for you?" My mind went blank, and I started feeling like a hamster on a wheel. I was moving but not going anywhere. I started answering and then realized that all that bull shit sounded like a business transaction, and not a love definition.

I haven't had a "normal" relationship since I separated from my ex-husband in September 2007. Yeah, soon will be five years. Since it's been so long, did I forget what love is? Did I forget how it feels? Am I avoiding the "L" talk? I don't know the answer to those questions, or perhaps I don't care to find out. I believe his question created a chain of thoughts that still going, building a chain that will never end.

I don't need a man to love me so I could be happy. At some I will want a man to share my life with. I am in a place in which I feel complete, and realized and I am in love with life, with my kids, with my family, my profession and my schooling. Love is love no matter the source. Some people may think I am missing out but I am not, because love not only comes with nice things, but also ugly ones. I don't miss the snoring in my ear, the extra laundry, the schedule hoarder, the adviser, etc...

I had experienced love and the memories (some of them) are so rich that still bring a smile to my face.
I guess love is not so easy to define because its relative to each person. If I ask 20 people they will all have a different definition and they will all be right. I came across a writing from Paulo Coelho that said; "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." I like that definition...

I have too many questions and not many answers... "Life is too short to be wasted in finding answers. Enjoy the questions!"

Free Time

Free Time

Sitting home all relaxed,

but suddenly I went mad.

Something was wrong, out of whack,

what is it? I don't know what.

My bed is clear, my head is too.

There is no homework to do.

That's what is, what's out of whack.

I have time, the one I haven't had.

I will enjoy it, I will sure do.

I will reconnect, I will see you soon.

I will work out and will eat out.

I will sleep and sing out loud.

I will probably do my happy dance,

as soon as I have a chance.

I will dance like no one's watching,

because I know this will soon be passing.

Author Maribel Ortiz

Shortcomings or strenghts

   A few days ago I went to a workshop titled "Forgiveness in Psychotherapy". Those hours were emotional and powerful. The speaker was so great that he helped us go inside ourselves and see what wounds we still have open and how we were doing in the complex process of forgiveness. I will describe that emotional journey in another entry because today I want to focus in the things that I have taken for granted.

     During the meeting I was sitting next to man, who was deaf. He was able to get the information spoken with the help of a stenographer. The stenotype operator wrote everything for him to keep him informed and he read it from the computer screen in front of him. At that moment I realized that I have taken my hearing for granted. He probably read the words, but he missed the musical sound of speech, the emotion in the words, the different accents that helps us create stories. How blessed I am that I can hear. I saw how difficult it was for him to communicate with others, because he had to read lips and we were not aware at all times of our positioning.

     In the next table there was another gentleman that was bound to a wheelchair. I thought of how many things he is missing. I am so blessed that I can make full use of my legs, that I can go hiking, that I can dance, that I can move around my office. I love the sense of freedom and independence that walking allows me to enjoy.





  Today I was walking outside while waiting for my brother to give me a ride back home. It was cold and windy, and those 15 minutes felt eternal. I started to look around for interesting things to take pictures of. I looked down the bridge and saw the camp of a homeless person. I immediately thought how blessed I was. How can someone survive and enjoy life under such circumstances? I  felt guilty because even though I am not a big complainer I have complained sometimes about not having a bigger kitchen with granite countertops, or a sun room, or more space in the bathroom, or new vinyl siding. I realized that I am blessed by not having to be at the mercy of nature, by not having the fear of being arrested because of camping on illegal grounds. I am blessed because at night I can go home.

     It may sound redundant, but I need to emphasized that I have a blessed life. When I was a kid we didn't have excess but we didn't lack anything. I never saw myself as poor because everyone around me was on the same situation, so I didn't know different. My backyard was the whole barrio, my family was the whole neighborhood, we probably didn't have a lot of money but I had a rich childhood. I have been blessed with the gift of health. All my senses are intact, I can see the beauty that surrounds me, I can hear my children's laughter and the emotion in their words, I can go places without help....Oh God I am blessed! I can't say that the people I mentioned aren't. I don't even see their limitation as a shortcoming, because they have overcome it and they have accomplished what many people couldn't believe they will. Even the homeless, because not everyone could survive under those conditions. I see all three as an example of strength.

     Please be thankful everyday for the gifts life or the Superior Being has given you. Life sometimes gets rough, but by no means should we forget that those issues are temporary and life goes on.

In love

     I have been acting different. Have been filled with excitement and energy. It is like with every step I take endorphins are released, by the millions. What a great feeling. I am wondering what's causing it. If I know the cause I might be able to perpetuate it. I started to do some exploration. Somedays I feel like I am an enigma to myself. I have inner places I haven't explore, other ones that I don't want to...at least for now.

   Today, I realized what's the reason for the emotional commotion. I am in love...with an illusion. Is that a good thing? It could be if you are truly aware, otherwise it isn't. Based on the dictionary illusion is "something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality". So this cannot be good. I have been sucked in a tornado, and I am covered with the frustration of what it means to be deceived. What do I do with those feelings? I guess I have to deal with them the best I can and alone, because an illusion can't be clear or reaffirming, it can't listen, it can't have a dialogue nor can't understand how it feel on the other side. An illusion can't coexist with reality, because it is an oxymoron.

   While this discovery was going on, I thought of a book I read a while back. The book was titled "Ser como el rio que fluye" or Like the flowing river from Paulo Coelho. This book compiles a series of small stories and one of my favorie ones was The story of the Pencil or "La historia del lapiz". When I saw the title I said to myself what is this gifted man wasting his time writing about a pencil. A pencil isn't an object that we think much about. I know it has two purposes, write and erase. I decided to read the story anyway since I usually love everything he writes.
    In the story there is a wise grandma (just like mine) giving her grandson a life lesson. She told her curious grandson that more important than the story that she was writing, was the pencil. She told the kid "I wish you will be like one when you grow up".  The kid saw the pencil the same way I see it, so could imagine his reaction. The grandma started to describe the five qualities of a pencil, she even said "...if you obtain and retain these qualities they will make you a peaceful person...". At that moment, and before I read the qualities I wanted to be like the a pencil. The five qualities described were:
1) the pencil could do great things when its guided by a hand.
2) endures change through suffering when its sharpened, and it could do better things after it.
3) it allows us to erase mistakes.
4) the important thing isn't the wood that is made of, but the interior, the graphite.
5) it always leaves a mark, so we should careful of our actions.
  
    And how its the pencil story related to my love to an illusion? If I had all the qualities of a pencil I wouldn't be in this predicament. I guess I didn't allow the Superior Being to guide me like a hand guides the pencil. I have endure suffering that by all means have made me stronger, but it hasn't affect my behavior. I wish I have an eraser to erase some of the mistakes that I have made in the last few years. I am leaving a mark, but is that a good one?

    Today I have decided to be more like the pencil. I am erasing some of my mistakes, I am going to re-write my story. An illusion can't be center of my life, an illusion should be treated as such. Am I afraid of reality? In some ways I think so, otherwise I will not he holding on to an illusion.

The Anatomy of Love

     Love...a short but powerful word. This word takes different meanings depending on who is defining it. We all have love stories to tell.  Love has so many faces, shapes, colors, ways of expression. I have love so much, and one of the greatest love of my life is my beautiful grandmother. She stole my heart before I knew, it could be stolen.  I call her mami, but she is also known as mama Milla or simply mama. I will describe the anatomy of my love towards her. I am very lucky to still have her in my life. What a blessing it is for my kids to have known and still enjoy their great-grandmother.

    During her last visit,  I was driving home to see her since she arrived from Puerto Rico the day before. As I entered my neighborhood my heart started to beat faster. I was excited. I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was tearful just with the thought that I was going to see that woman that had given me so much love since I remember. It felt like I was going to meet my first love. I finally saw her...for the first time with white hair. How beautiful! She really looked like a grandma.
 
    Let me tell you a little bit about my grandma... I always called her mami because she didn't want to be called grandma. She was very young (around 30 years old) when I was born. I was the first grandchild. I grew up in the house next to hers, so I was always a few feet away. When I think of her the first word that comes to my mind in strength. What a remarkable woman she's been. A true example for me and who ever is around her. She was never afraid to speak up her mind, but now she picks her battles. I guess she got wiser over the years. Her gait is now slower and her balance is not as steady, but she looked more beautiful than the last time I saw her. When she hugged me, I felt like we were the only ones in the world... I felt like coming home.

   She always taught me things. I remember when I was a teenager she used to tell me all the time "make sure you go to school, so you don't have to depend on a man". Back then I had no idea what was she talking about, but I am glad I listened since in many occasions I had to depend on myself.  Another of her teachings was, "never judge someone else's children, because some day you will have your own". That is so true. It feels so bad when someone judges your children that you don't want any other mother to experience that kind of pain. I remember after I divorced (the second time) she said to me, and I was so worry about what others will think that she said  to me "live your life the way you want to live it". That was one of the best advice I have ever received.

   She is so imperfectly perfect. I see so much of her in me. She always trusted and believed in me. She had no doubt that I could do well. Because of that I tried hard and harder. I didn't want to disappoint her. Like the proverb says, " she created movement by being still..." 

   I cannot paint a picture of my grandma because I don't have the ability to so do so, but I could write about her. There are not enough words in the world to describe her but I will say that she is honest; kind; strong; will support you even when she disagrees; defends her family with the courage of a hunting lioness; she is loving like bottomless pit; she is above the influence...she is one of a kind.
  

Endings

     What is an ending? This word is powerful and at times devastating. Usually associated with a negative outcome. The dictionary defines ending as a bringing or coming to an end; termination; close; and as the final or concluding part. 
    
     For most humans, endings bring a feeling of emptiness and loss. To some extent we are turned off by endings. The end of the relationship, the end of life, the end of a marriage, etc.

     The ending that has affected me the most, is the end of life...death. While growing up this was a topic that no one spoke about. Children were yield from this topic like it was some sort of evil, or a contagious disease.  I grew up fearing death in part because it was unknown and foreign territory. As a kid, I saw death as a bad ending to our life story. I saw it out of place, almost unnatural. I was traumatized by the Francisco Oller's painting "El Velorio", and I am sure that was not his intention.

     I remember that during my first internship in my nurse practitioner program I was sent to a nursing home. I was devastated, and tried to work my way out with my advisor but it didn't work. I was doomed. I knew I was going to face death in there, and that scared me. During the first month of my internship, I was sent to assess a patient. As I entered the room I saw this frail woman, lying in bed, unconscious. She had a grayish color in her skin and her breathing was shallow. I went out and told the nurse in charge that she was dying and I didn't want to be in the room. I thought that she was going to be supportive of my choice but she wasn't. She sent me back to the room. Before I left she looked at me, grabbed my hands and said, "you should be proud  that the last voice she will hear before she leaves this world will be yours, she will not die alone". I went back and stayed with the patient holding hands until the time came. I gave her company but she gave me a lesson that changed my life and the way I view death.  She was not in pain or suffering. I just witnessed how she placed the last period to the last chapter of her life. She felt at peace, and I am glad that nurse pushed outside of my comfort zone to face the ending that I dreaded to face.

    In terms of relationships some people see their ending as a bad thing and even a failure.I have been the first in a lot of things in my family, for example I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first to graduate from college and first one to divorce, not only once, but twice.  Have I failed? Have my ex husbands failed me? Absolutely not!  I don't want to give the impression that I take divorce lightly. It is a difficult decision, because we all marry with the idea of spending the rest of lives with the chosen one. I see my two marriages as great experiences that changed the course of my life forever. Our relationships expired, they were not meant to be forever, but I wouldn't call them a failure...in the least. My life is richer after they ended, but my life was rich when I was married. Sometimes we delayed endings because we fear to start over. We sacrifice not to be judge or label relationship rejects. We take the attitude of a martyr. Life shouldn't be about those types of sacrifices. We live once, we only get one shot at it, so we need to make the best of it...with the right person or alone. I guess divorce could be the last act of love, when you become aware that you in the way of your partner's happiness.
     
      How do I look at endings right now? I see an ending as an opportunity to a new beginning, to a new journey, to a new experience.