My Quest for the Perfect Church

   For some time now (several years), I have been looking for a church to attend regularly but without being pressured ro become a member. For some reason I feel like I have to go to church to be able to complete the spiritual experience. Who knows if in my quest I will find out that I don't.

   I grew up in a Pentecostal church but I do not feel comfortable attending one as an adult, because of their rigid rules. I started questioning my childhood teachings when I went out to college. I attended a Catholic private university. The community was diverse in terms of religious beliefs and that opened up my eyes. Some of the beliefs I was raised under I don't agree with, well maybe most of what I was told I don't believe in. I grew up in fear, because God was to be fear. As a kid that worked but as a grown up I don't want to follow God because I am scared of the punishment. I want something deeper.

   I do believe in God. I have a personal relationship with the Superior Being. I have experienced first hand the power of that connection. I have to say that I disagree with the way most Christian churches practice, since there is more weigh put into praying than action; love is shown to their fellow members but it doesn't seem to spread outside of the church walls. Each church feel they have the absolute truth, and feel they have the right to judge others and even determine who will be saved and who will not.  They preach love but that love is conditional. Conditional to what? ....to their rules, and dogmas.


  During my quest, I have visited most of the Christian churches in my city, since that is familiar territory.  I went to a church in which they so many cliques that I wanted to run out within the first 10 minutes. They were a great example of not living what they preach. Other ones were so boring that I had a hard time staying awake. But most importantly I went out feeling the same way as I went in. So I kept looking. I want to be in a place in which people preach with their actions. What's the point of having an experience that will not have an effect in my life?


  This morning I went out to visit a new church. This is a Universalist Church. Way out of my comfort zone. Quite a different experience. Got there early and was welcome by a loving woman, that was full of energy and she was about 20 years older than me. She told me that during the summer the services are more informal. This format made it obvious for everyone that I was there as the only new person. Everyone was dressed like they were going to the park, so I was overdressed. Despite that I didn't feel uncomfortable. I couldn't ignore the fact that God was never mention during the service. Maybe they knew He was there, just like when you omit the subject while writing a sentence. There was no prayer or singing, but there was a sense of community, peace, and love in the air. I felt so welcome. They had a speaker, not a preacher that spoke about the Gross National Happiness in Bhutan and how it has impacted us in USA. Quite interesting. I learned a lot, since I have never heard of the country of Bhutan to begin with.

   Have I found "The Church"?  I don't know yet. I will go again next Sunday. I like the principles in which they practice which are "democracy, integrity, continuing education, and individual responsibility..." Also the fact that they promote individual  thinking. I don't want to feel like I am in cult and that I am suppose to follow without questioning or challenging.

  I am aware of how sensitive the topic of religion is, and I hope I haven't offend anyone by expressing my opinion, since its based on my personal experience which may differ from everyone else. It will be interesting to hear the experience of others.

The Garden

     Today, I decided to work in my garden. I have placed plants all over the yard in a way that no matter where I am sitting I will be able to enjoy them. It is a delight to see the beauty of its colors, shapes, textures and breathe their aroma. From the distance I noticed that there were some dry leaves, and weeds growing in the flower beds. These invaders distracts the eye and take the attention away from what should be the center of the garden. If I don't take care of this problem the plants will start to die since they have to share the soil nutrients.  
   
     As I was weeding the flower beds I started thinking about my Life Garden. Do I put the same effort in keeping it beautiful? Am I as vigilant to notice when a weed is growing? When was the last time that I weed it out? I can't remember when was the last time that I weed out my Life Garden, so it must have been a long time ago.
   
     We all have weeds in our Life Garden. Instead of chlorophyll producing creatures they present in a different manner. These weeds are labeled resentment, pain, hurt, bad relationships, bad friendships, mean co-workers, bad jobs, domestic abuse, anger, intolerance, etc.
   
     Why haven't I cleaned my Life Garden in such a long time? Am I afraid to not be able to discern the weeds from the good plants? Or perhaps, I don't have the courage to remove the weeds that I have identified?  Maybe I got into that zone in which I reached a false sense of complacency?

     In our Life Garden there are some weeds that are deceiving and they may look beautiful, strong, and have great flowers that temporarily add beauty to our garden but, are they worth keeping them knowing that they are toxic to the rest of the plants in the long term?
   
    Since I don't know how to do it on my own, I am going to ask for help from the Superior Being, the one that planted me in this earth to bloom and produce fruits. I decided to write my own prayer and it may read like this;
                              Dear God, a while back you planted me in this beautiful planet called Earth.

You put me in charge of my life, and I dont' know if I am doing a great job. You gave freedom to make choices, and I am not sure if my choices have been the best ones.

You gave me a Life Garden to watch over.

Some days, I look at it and I don't see it producing the fruits that I was expecting.

At times I notice weeds, and dry leaves. Sometimes severe weather conditions had created chaos and left everything in disarray.
I believe that they are some things in my Life Garden that might be stopping my growth.

I want you to grant me a few tools so I could make my Life Garden beautiful and productive again.

I want to be wise to be able to identify what is negatively affecting my life.  I want to have courage to remove from life those "things: that I identify.

 I want compassion so I could remove those "things" with love.

I want gentleness so I don't remove the good plants while removing the weeds.  

     I want strength so after I have cleaned my Life Garden I could move forward realizing that did the right thing. 

Amen

         When was the last time that you clean your garden?

 

The Jouney

    On Saturday, July 9 I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. In part due to my own problems and also because I have seen few of my closest friends in great pain during the last two months. That morning I decided to go for a hike all by myself. I have never been hiking alone, perhaps I am aware of my lacking sense of direction, and getting lost is my biggest fear. I am also aware that one of the biggest obstacles for success is fear. This feeling paralyzes people, and I didn't want to be included in that group.
    Exercise outdoors always relaxes and grounds me...so away I went.  I prepared by backpack with some extra weight to make my walk a little harder, and I dressed with courage.


   
     This is a view of the hill that was waiting for me. I immediately regret those extra pounds I was carrying inside my back, but it was too late to go back. 

 




Being alone made me the captain so I decided to explore unfamiliar territory. What was the challenge if I decided to go with the routine? As usual I did my own thing.




With every step I took I felt a weigh lifted off my shoulders. Just like the commercial I saw all my worries flying away.  I had planned to leave them in the woods, and make them part of the scenery. Worries are parasites, they will die without the adequate host.




Every sight was more beautiful than the previous one.



I had to stop and allow this image to sink in.

When I saw this plant with a broken piece, I couldn't help thinking about human resilience.  Why it is so much easier for plants to heal themselves than for humans to heal from their pain?  



I saw new growth despite the adversity, and that means hope.  





Around this area I realized that I was lost.  I knew I was going to get lost, it was just a matter of time. I wasn't born with an internal GPS. I went around some trails twice, and I was frustrated. I was hungry and I realized that I didn't bring a snack despite my history of frequent low blood sugars. I got scared and cried, but I didn't know if I was crying because I was lost or because being lost gave the chance to process what brought me there...emotional pain.





This is my favorite picture of all, and the sight I hate missing every time I hike in this park. Its a great combination of beautiful and not so beautiful, just like life. Both elements are perfectly combined to create this breath taking view.



My complaint about this map, is that the legend is missing the "you are here" part. For me it wasn't helpful.

Do you see that sandy patch at the end? That is the street and what a beautiful sight that was. Close to reaching this area, I realize that my blood sugar was going down because my perception of things was a little off. I made it, just on time. I think God was probably watching over me, so despite thinking that I was alone...I never felt completely alone. This hike took me two hrs, and I realized that there are no limits when you set your goals, and that taking detours in life isn't always a negative thing. It may take longer to get to the destination, but at the end life is all about the journey.  

This is the end of my journey. It was nice to see the trail behind me. I went loaded and came out feeling light and relieved. I accomplished my task in several ways and one of them is that I didn't allow fear to intimidate me. I will do again...very soon.

The Power of the Spoken Word

     I have never been a big woman, and I seriously mean that. I have a small 5 ft. frame and look like I am shorter than that. I have a healthy body weight, and I think I have a good level of fitness. I eat great, and exercise almost daily. Within the last year I went from a size 2 to a size 4. Most people didn't notice the difference. This morning I encountered a woman that did, and  in a very odd way she made reference to my weight gain and my new size. Is that only in America that a size four is fat? I allowed that comment to bother me, and that bothered me even more than the comment itself. That comment was like sepsis, it starts slowly but it could be deadly. The vector injected its toxin this morning and I chose to become the carrier for the whole day.
     I am using my blog not to vent anger, because the damage didn't go that far, but to remind my friends and myself about the power of the spoken word. There is a quote that I like that says "we see things not the way they are, but the way we are". It is amazing how sometimes we believe that we have the right to intrude into someone else's life and give unwanted advice. There is an air of arrogance when we give an opinion and immediately assumed they we are correct. Do we have to say everything that comes to mind and make a fool of ourselves?  Is it worth it to risk a relationship because we wanted to express our opinion?

    I am a believer that our body is our temple and we should preserve it and cherish it. Can we tell people how how to protect their temple? No, because everyone will do that the way they find appropriate, and fitting to their lifestyle. Just be mindful of the power of the words, since they are like a loaded weapon. Do you want to use it to protect, or to kill? The choice is yours, so are are the consequences.

   From my instant Karma book I will share some thoughts with you:
         1) avoid adopting other's negative behavior
         2) surround yourself with inspiration
         3) have no doubts
         4) give confidence to others
         5) teach by example
         6) make it a point to be happy where you are
   An from my heart - love yourself, even when the world hates you. Next time I see this woman, I will  pause and tell her how great she looks.

   Just as a final thought, she probably meant phat which means wonderful and terrific. What do you think? Am i being too positive? Oh, well I have to say that in positive energy I am a plus size and proud of it.

Happy Father's Day to my Mother

     It's Father's day and I don't know who should I congratulate on this day. I wasn't blessed with a great father. Should I called him because of protocol?  As this  day goes by it is a reminder of all the beautiful things I didn't experience. I can't say that I missed anything because, how can I miss what I never had?
I know that as I was growing up something was different. I never saw my father in any school activity, or my sixth grade graduation when I received my high honors medal. He wasn't there for any teacher - parent conference, or when I was sick, or when a boy broke my heart for the first time. My father wasn't there to walk me down the aisle when I married. I don't even think he remembers the day I was born, because he has never said happy birthday. He was physically in my life but absent in all other possible ways.

    So, who do I congratulate on this special day? The answer is easy, I will congratulate my mother who has always been there for me since I remember. She took the role of father and mother and did it gracefully. I will congratulate my grandfather Joaquin, who was always there for me and went to heaven too soon. I always wished he was my dad. I will congratulate my brothers who protect me and love without limits, and who chose a different approach to parenthood. Also my grandmother Emilia who always believed in me even when I messed up.

     I had a great family who always made me feel like I had it all, and as an adult I realized that I did...I had and have it all.
  
    Not everything was bad about my dad, he taught me a great lesson. From him I learned the type of a parent that I shouldn't be. I want to make my children a priority in my life. I don't want to be average, I want to be great. They will never have to feel alone, because I will always be with them. I feel sad for my dad because he missed out in so many things that will never come back, because there isn't a second chance. I am not angry or bitter, I had forgiven him a long time ago.

    I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to my mother and to my brothers who are the kind of father that every kid will want to have.

  

  
  

A Remarkable Woman

    At the end of the year 2001 I met a woman that forever changed my life. She was my biggest support during my son's pregnancy when things were not going well. She was there through my separation from my husband and my divorce. I never felt alone, and I always knew she was near. She is much older than me but when we are together the age gap dissipates and we are just two woman. Sometimes she says I am like her daughter, but I have never seen her as such. She is more like a big sister, a wonderful one. We misbehaved together, we guard each other's secret, we push each other to do better, we have each other's back, no matter what. She is one of those woman that you could say was born in a sunny day, because she's always in a great mood. Her personality is always bigger than the space she is in. She hates to be ignored, and I wonder, who can ignore her vibrant personality? We have been together in good times, great times, sad times and very low points of each other's lives. Our relationship is strong. It is one of those relationships in which you are allowed to be who we are. We don't have to pretend, we are free.

     She is always been an open bragging book for her two children- a boy and a girl. I love to hear her stories, because I learned from them and above all because she is a great story teller. She has always been there for her kids- when she was proud and when she wasn't. Her love for them is unconditional.

     Recently I saw my friend in the saddest mood I have ever seen her. She was at her lowest point. Her pain was unimaginable for me. She was experiencing the biggest pain a woman could ever experience. My friend lost her boy. That young man that made her eyes twinkle, and her heart skip a beat, the one who made the best sandwiches, the one that made her laugh, the one that gave her her first grand kids, the one that shook her world, and kept her on her toes.

     At the funeral she spoke about him, and that was such a healing moment. It was powerful to hear a mother talking about her son in such a profound way. He looked as peaceful as he always was, like he was in a deep sleep. I wish I could have awaken him, and give my friend one more day with her loving son. I wish he had the chance to say "I love you ma'" like he always did. I was there, near her all the way until the final good bye. She needed me, and I needed her her. We cried together, we reminisced. I needed to know that she was going to be OK.

     I have to say that I was horrified at people's curiosity and how insensitive some of the comments and questions were- "was it a suicide?", how did he died?, "was it a drug overdose?".   I never had to ask her, because I don't need to know that. Her pain isn't based on the cause of death. What I know is that my friend is in pain and if she wants me to know she will tell me, but she knows she doesn't have to. Seeing her in so much pain brought me back to a book that I read about grieving, and the specific quote said, "My sorrow is so wide/ I cannot see across it;/ And so deep I shall never/ Reach the bottom of it". I know that she will agree with that poem from Rexroth.

     Her son was never alone, and she will never be...because she has me. From my friend I learned how to be a better mother, a better woman, a better professional, a better friend and  just a better person.

     I know that she will be OK, because she is such a strong force and because of all the people that loves her. We are in this difficult journey together.

Deja vu

     So you could understand my story I have to tell you that I have been married twice, and have one daughter from my first marriage and three children from my second.

     When my sixteen year old daughter was about five we had a discussion about her older sister visiting her father in Puerto Rico for summer vacation. When she heard that, her cute little face changed. She had the look of horror. That innocent comment created great commotion and confusion. She couldn't understand the concept that I was previously married, and that her older sister and her had a different biological father. She continued to process that information for days. She wanted to feel connected to her sister and she assumed my ex-husband was her father also. One morning she told her father, "dad, I am going to Puerto Rico with my real family". Her father's face was priceless. the mess in head grew bigger when she in her little head she thought that my first husband's children were mine and that I had abandoned them, so she needed to reunite. What a mess she had created in her head, or did I create the mess when I re-married and had more children? It's a matter of perspective. She finally understood and now we could laugh about it.

     I thought that was all over but a few days ago my son - now 8- overheard my oldest daughter talking about a trip to Puerto Rico to visit her father. My son made a comment about his father, and they told him the truth..."you and I don't have the same dad".  He's been in a state of shock since, and still can't believe that is real, he thinks someone is playing a bad joke on him. He still processing the information given. I am wondering what is going on inside his head. He probably thinks I abandoned some kids in Puerto Rico. Or maybe he will tell me that he will move away with his real family. I don't know why we as adults  make life so complicated to cause children to go through such stressful moments.

    It's interesting to see how both kids had the same reaction eleven years apart. After he recovers from the shock of the news we'll laugh about it, as of now he still working on it. I am happy that I am not having any more kids because I don't want to go through this once more.