Frustration

How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people?  



How can I feel so neglected if I am supposedly surrounded by people that take care of my needs?




How can I feel so unsupported, when others think they are providing great support?




How can I feel so unaccepted, when people say they love me the way I am?




How can I feel so angry when I am supposed to feel happy?




How can I feel so unloved when I hear I love you almost every day?




How can I go out and then wished I didn't?


     I remember better times, when my life was so easy. When did it get complicated? I don't like complications, unless they are meaningful ones. I do have to say that in the midst of all the frustration that I am experiencing I see what's good in my life. I have four wonderful children that balance me out every day. When I look into their eyes all my frustrations go away. They give my life such a meaningful purpose. When I am with them I feel like the most special person in the world....or may be the universe if I want to count the alien population.
   
  
  
  

Suicide

Did you know that in the year 2007 they were 34,598 lives lost to suicide in United States alone? This are completed suicides because there are no accurate records on attempts that were unsuccessful. This translates to 94.8 suicides per day or 1 suicide every 15.2 minutes.  A preliminary report showed an increase of 4.1% of suicides in young individuals ages 15 to 24 years from 2007 to 2008. Daunting numbers.
    
Suicide is the 11th cause of death in United States. This problem like many other medical problems has no prejudice and crosses all boundaries including but not limited to race, socio-economic, and educational status. Suicide is preventable, and in many occasions the warning signs are ignored because of the stigma around mental illness. Some people believe that talking about suicide will influence behavior in a negative fashion. That is wrong, most people give warning signs because they want help. Individuals that commit suicide in many occasions are looking for a solution to a complex problem and not to end a life. Suicide not only affects the victim but also the ones left behind to make sense of the senseless, to grieve while coping with the deep feelings of guilt that loved ones are left with.

Some of the risk factors are depression-the more episodes of depression the higher the risk; substance abuse also increases the risk of suicide because of the impaired judgement to make sound decisions; males are at higher risk and they also used more lethal violent methods, and a family history of suicide and previous attempts place individuals at higher level risk. People that are experiencing life changes or milestones are at higher risk. For example retirement, divorce, loss of a job, abandonment by a partner. Also children that are bullied at school are at greater risk as well. Indivuals who are coping with gender issues and acceptance are among those at risk as well.


Nobody wants to talk about suicide but we should all have our radar on the alert to identify people at risk and recommend them to seek help. We are losing too many lives and we must try to do our best to lower those numbers. Behind each number there is a story, and we should keep that in mind.  

Some of the suicide warning signs are:
      1) Ideas of dying
      2) Substance abuse
      3) Hopelessness
      3) Reckless behavior
      4) Giving meaningful things away
      5) Mood changes like increased depression or anger
      6) Feeling trapped like there is no way out
Today my life was touched by suicide. I found out that one my providers had ended his life. I was devastated to find out. I can't even begin to imagine the desperation that he must have felt to take his own life. He was a well balanced, successful individual. I hope that his soul is resting in peace, that peace that he was not able to find while he was alive.


Note: The statistics on this blog were taken from the American Association of Suicidology and they are latest national numbers available.    http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/stats-and-tools/statistics

The Devolution of Customer Service

   What ever happened to customer service? Instead of adopting a process of evolution it has been going through a process of devolution.

   This afternoon I went back to the university bookstore. I didn't have any other option, but revisiting this semester's torture chamber- at least for me. It brought back memories of my previous visit in which I went to inquire about my book order and one employee told me "it will come eventually". After that encounter my plan was to return that book when it finally arrive, and get it somewhere else. Today, I was trying to pick up "the book" that arrived on September 12th. I placed the order in August 30th through their online service. I have never used their online service before, so I made the assumption that it will be like an Amazon.com type experience. Not really!

  After I arrived I had to wait to be acknowledge. It seemed like the piled boxes deserved better treatment and prompt attention. When I was finally greeted I explained the reason for my visit. A very polite lady asked me to follow her. She was going to try to find my order which was in the towers of boxes that were leaning against the wall. They were hundreds of boxes and bags, and nobody thought of putting them in an ordinal manner to facilitate retrieval. They were in disarray. I guess respect for people's time isn't included in the book price.

   After the search came back empty she called the manager. Here comes a red head woman (not a natural one), with a medium frame. Her severe demeanor told me that things were going to be changing pretty quickly. She gave me a look that made feel like I was under attack. In a loud and rude manner-just like she was talking to the world- she asked me "why are you returning the book?" I answered because it is two weeks late and I bought it somewhere else. In an angry manner, she said, "well, you will have to wait until we go through all the boxes to be able to process the transaction."  If you ever saw the movie Monster-in-Law, you might be able to remember when Jeniffer Lopez had this fantasy of slamming her future mother-in-law's head against a table. I had a similar thought, but I am aware that violence isn't a good conflict resolution technique. In my polite self I remained cool.

   I was rescued by the first lady I encountered, and she took my information to process the return at a later time. I am very grateful that she treated me like I was human. Shouldn't good customer service be part of every business transaction? Who do we complaint when the department head abuses customers? Can compliants make a difference? My way of complaining is that I will never buy anything at the bookstore. It will probably not make such a great impact in their business but it will in  my mental sanity. I will go and spend my money in a place that respects me and my time. It is very sad to see this type of behavior in an academic institution. Shouldn't we be an example to others?
 

My Journey as a Single Woman

     I have been single since September 2007. It was bittersweet when my marriage ended but absolutely the right decision to make. At that time the road only had one way...OUT. Sometimes love isn't enough, and we have to be smart enough to realize that. Back then, the single life ahead scared the hell out of me, and I think I am still freaked out because I am still single. I keep telling everyone that it is by choice, but is that true? I don't know.

     Being single isn't so glamorous. My social life has been impacted because most of my friends are in a stable relationship. I can't go out with them without feeling that I shouldn't be there, or experiencing guilt because I am keeping them away from their partners. It bothers me that I feel left out, and sometimes I wish there was a place where I could go and rent a boyfriend for a day, or even a few hours. Despite those feelings, I am happy that they have found their soulmates. Well, some of them, others just found a man.

     I have been divorced twice and have been in love several times. I have loved with all I had, but here I am almost 4 years later still single and spending my Friday evenings watching Dateline. Am I a love reject? In the time that I have been single I have dated two wonderful guys. The first one helped me get up when I was down, and that was a year after I separated and I will be forever grateful, he has a special place in my heart. The second one I believed was (maybe I still do) my soulmate but the relationship had too many obstacles that hindered growth, and it suffocated. I think it is agonizing...refusing to die. He is the smartest guy I have ever met, and stubborn as hell. I learned a lot from him, but I treasured those memories so much that will keep them just for me.

     As you may see,  after two divorces I am not considered a love expert. I don't believe my divorces were failures. They were only relationships that had an expiration date. They were both very important people to whom I will always be connected. We were great people, but not meant for each other. I strongly believe that every person that comes to your life have a very specific purpose that sometimes isn't clear in plain sight, but will become clear as the time goes by.

     Do I really want a boyfriend? Maybe... I know for fact that I don't need one. I don't need another half because I am complete. I want someone that brings himself to me happy, like I am. Someone independent, free spirit, outside of the box thinker, respectful (non-negotiable), loyal (non-negotiable), faithful(non-negotiable), loving to my kids who are my life (could be a deal breaker if absent), respectful of my time and the profession that I love, able to adapt to my crazy life, able to deal with my obsessions and compulsions, able to deal with the scrutiny of three teenage daughters (well 2 and a 21 year old one), someone that loves me just the way I am. In other words I don't want a fixer upper.

     In my circle I am an outlier. I could hear people around me talking and questioning "why is she still single?", "she must have issues". I even got the "are you lesbian?" question. I don't know what my sexual orientation would have to do with being single because lesbians date, and as far as I know that isn't considered a defect that results in perpetual singlehood. Society scares me. Many people really believe that a woman cannot be happy without a partner. Some days I feel like I am living in the time of Noah and the ark's door is almost closing, so I should rush and get a mate before it does, to avoid being left out to drown in the waters of loneliness. Where do I go to find a good mate? Should I go to Market Basket, or maybe Hannaford?, The library? To church? Should I enter the men's room by mistake and just play dumb?

     It hasn't been easy to find a good candidate that will love me and my four children. Am I too independent to tolerate a man, or for a man to tolerate me? Am I too demanding? Am I like the Kelly Clarkson song..."I never stray too far from the side walk"?, Am I afraid to get hurt?

     I think I know why I am still single.... because I am not willing to lower my expectations, because I am not settling for average, because I know that if I wait the right person for me will come, and because I have a crazy schedule between my two jobs, my four children, and my doctorate student role that doesn't allow me time to explore what could be out there for me.

     By no means I want you to think that I am just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right, because that isn't what modern independent women does. I will continue to enjoy my life everyday, like that is my last chance, like there is no tomorrow.

PS: Maybe I found Mr. Right already and I haven't realized it.

My Quest for the Perfect Church

   For some time now (several years), I have been looking for a church to attend regularly but without being pressured ro become a member. For some reason I feel like I have to go to church to be able to complete the spiritual experience. Who knows if in my quest I will find out that I don't.

   I grew up in a Pentecostal church but I do not feel comfortable attending one as an adult, because of their rigid rules. I started questioning my childhood teachings when I went out to college. I attended a Catholic private university. The community was diverse in terms of religious beliefs and that opened up my eyes. Some of the beliefs I was raised under I don't agree with, well maybe most of what I was told I don't believe in. I grew up in fear, because God was to be fear. As a kid that worked but as a grown up I don't want to follow God because I am scared of the punishment. I want something deeper.

   I do believe in God. I have a personal relationship with the Superior Being. I have experienced first hand the power of that connection. I have to say that I disagree with the way most Christian churches practice, since there is more weigh put into praying than action; love is shown to their fellow members but it doesn't seem to spread outside of the church walls. Each church feel they have the absolute truth, and feel they have the right to judge others and even determine who will be saved and who will not.  They preach love but that love is conditional. Conditional to what? ....to their rules, and dogmas.


  During my quest, I have visited most of the Christian churches in my city, since that is familiar territory.  I went to a church in which they so many cliques that I wanted to run out within the first 10 minutes. They were a great example of not living what they preach. Other ones were so boring that I had a hard time staying awake. But most importantly I went out feeling the same way as I went in. So I kept looking. I want to be in a place in which people preach with their actions. What's the point of having an experience that will not have an effect in my life?


  This morning I went out to visit a new church. This is a Universalist Church. Way out of my comfort zone. Quite a different experience. Got there early and was welcome by a loving woman, that was full of energy and she was about 20 years older than me. She told me that during the summer the services are more informal. This format made it obvious for everyone that I was there as the only new person. Everyone was dressed like they were going to the park, so I was overdressed. Despite that I didn't feel uncomfortable. I couldn't ignore the fact that God was never mention during the service. Maybe they knew He was there, just like when you omit the subject while writing a sentence. There was no prayer or singing, but there was a sense of community, peace, and love in the air. I felt so welcome. They had a speaker, not a preacher that spoke about the Gross National Happiness in Bhutan and how it has impacted us in USA. Quite interesting. I learned a lot, since I have never heard of the country of Bhutan to begin with.

   Have I found "The Church"?  I don't know yet. I will go again next Sunday. I like the principles in which they practice which are "democracy, integrity, continuing education, and individual responsibility..." Also the fact that they promote individual  thinking. I don't want to feel like I am in cult and that I am suppose to follow without questioning or challenging.

  I am aware of how sensitive the topic of religion is, and I hope I haven't offend anyone by expressing my opinion, since its based on my personal experience which may differ from everyone else. It will be interesting to hear the experience of others.

The Garden

     Today, I decided to work in my garden. I have placed plants all over the yard in a way that no matter where I am sitting I will be able to enjoy them. It is a delight to see the beauty of its colors, shapes, textures and breathe their aroma. From the distance I noticed that there were some dry leaves, and weeds growing in the flower beds. These invaders distracts the eye and take the attention away from what should be the center of the garden. If I don't take care of this problem the plants will start to die since they have to share the soil nutrients.  
   
     As I was weeding the flower beds I started thinking about my Life Garden. Do I put the same effort in keeping it beautiful? Am I as vigilant to notice when a weed is growing? When was the last time that I weed it out? I can't remember when was the last time that I weed out my Life Garden, so it must have been a long time ago.
   
     We all have weeds in our Life Garden. Instead of chlorophyll producing creatures they present in a different manner. These weeds are labeled resentment, pain, hurt, bad relationships, bad friendships, mean co-workers, bad jobs, domestic abuse, anger, intolerance, etc.
   
     Why haven't I cleaned my Life Garden in such a long time? Am I afraid to not be able to discern the weeds from the good plants? Or perhaps, I don't have the courage to remove the weeds that I have identified?  Maybe I got into that zone in which I reached a false sense of complacency?

     In our Life Garden there are some weeds that are deceiving and they may look beautiful, strong, and have great flowers that temporarily add beauty to our garden but, are they worth keeping them knowing that they are toxic to the rest of the plants in the long term?
   
    Since I don't know how to do it on my own, I am going to ask for help from the Superior Being, the one that planted me in this earth to bloom and produce fruits. I decided to write my own prayer and it may read like this;
                              Dear God, a while back you planted me in this beautiful planet called Earth.

You put me in charge of my life, and I dont' know if I am doing a great job. You gave freedom to make choices, and I am not sure if my choices have been the best ones.

You gave me a Life Garden to watch over.

Some days, I look at it and I don't see it producing the fruits that I was expecting.

At times I notice weeds, and dry leaves. Sometimes severe weather conditions had created chaos and left everything in disarray.
I believe that they are some things in my Life Garden that might be stopping my growth.

I want you to grant me a few tools so I could make my Life Garden beautiful and productive again.

I want to be wise to be able to identify what is negatively affecting my life.  I want to have courage to remove from life those "things: that I identify.

 I want compassion so I could remove those "things" with love.

I want gentleness so I don't remove the good plants while removing the weeds.  

     I want strength so after I have cleaned my Life Garden I could move forward realizing that did the right thing. 

Amen

         When was the last time that you clean your garden?

 

The Jouney

    On Saturday, July 9 I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. In part due to my own problems and also because I have seen few of my closest friends in great pain during the last two months. That morning I decided to go for a hike all by myself. I have never been hiking alone, perhaps I am aware of my lacking sense of direction, and getting lost is my biggest fear. I am also aware that one of the biggest obstacles for success is fear. This feeling paralyzes people, and I didn't want to be included in that group.
    Exercise outdoors always relaxes and grounds me...so away I went.  I prepared by backpack with some extra weight to make my walk a little harder, and I dressed with courage.


   
     This is a view of the hill that was waiting for me. I immediately regret those extra pounds I was carrying inside my back, but it was too late to go back. 

 




Being alone made me the captain so I decided to explore unfamiliar territory. What was the challenge if I decided to go with the routine? As usual I did my own thing.




With every step I took I felt a weigh lifted off my shoulders. Just like the commercial I saw all my worries flying away.  I had planned to leave them in the woods, and make them part of the scenery. Worries are parasites, they will die without the adequate host.




Every sight was more beautiful than the previous one.



I had to stop and allow this image to sink in.

When I saw this plant with a broken piece, I couldn't help thinking about human resilience.  Why it is so much easier for plants to heal themselves than for humans to heal from their pain?  



I saw new growth despite the adversity, and that means hope.  





Around this area I realized that I was lost.  I knew I was going to get lost, it was just a matter of time. I wasn't born with an internal GPS. I went around some trails twice, and I was frustrated. I was hungry and I realized that I didn't bring a snack despite my history of frequent low blood sugars. I got scared and cried, but I didn't know if I was crying because I was lost or because being lost gave the chance to process what brought me there...emotional pain.





This is my favorite picture of all, and the sight I hate missing every time I hike in this park. Its a great combination of beautiful and not so beautiful, just like life. Both elements are perfectly combined to create this breath taking view.



My complaint about this map, is that the legend is missing the "you are here" part. For me it wasn't helpful.

Do you see that sandy patch at the end? That is the street and what a beautiful sight that was. Close to reaching this area, I realize that my blood sugar was going down because my perception of things was a little off. I made it, just on time. I think God was probably watching over me, so despite thinking that I was alone...I never felt completely alone. This hike took me two hrs, and I realized that there are no limits when you set your goals, and that taking detours in life isn't always a negative thing. It may take longer to get to the destination, but at the end life is all about the journey.  

This is the end of my journey. It was nice to see the trail behind me. I went loaded and came out feeling light and relieved. I accomplished my task in several ways and one of them is that I didn't allow fear to intimidate me. I will do again...very soon.