Chaos Within

     There was a recent episode in my life that made me analyze everything I do and how I do it. But before I went through the process of analysis, I went into an internal commotion. My thoughts were like a house in the process of someone moving in...somewhat functional but too disorganize to be of any benefit. The most powerful epiphany I had at that moment, was that I had given "someone" the power to create chaos in my life and make me feel powerless....the latter was the key part, because as a strong woman powerlessness isn't a feeling that sits well with me.

To deal with that situation I had to go through all of the stages of grief... 
       Denial: This feeling helped with the overwhelming shock of the news. I had to detach my emotional self from the situation to remain sane. I was totally numbed. Within the numbness, I was able to organize my thoughts and plan of action.

      Anger: For me anger is a catalyst...it moves me with such energy and power that at times surprises me. That anger was only a symptom of the pain inflicted, and it was covering a great deal of fear and impotence.
      
      Bargaining: This stage was the shortest because I usually don't ask God, "why me?" because I know the answer..."why not?". I do believe that I am part of a plan, and God will move me wherever I need to be. Sometimes I don't listen because of my innate stubbornness, and He has to push me...and sometimes the push is so strong that makes me fall to the ground, and I need to catch my breath before moving forward.

     Depression: This was a difficult phase, especially just before the Holidays. The loss that I experienced, brought to the surface many loses that I had put in compartments to deal with them at a later time. So it became overwhelming. I wasn't surprised that I experienced depressive feelings, as this always happens when you lose something or someone you care about. I needed to experience the pain, so I could put closure on that loss, and the feelings that came with it. As a result of that I realized that I needed to close some other circles. I needed to allow some people to get out of my life, because our relationships had expired or changed in significance. Then I needed to allow others to come in, and bring something different to the equation. The pain made me appreciate my qualities to a greater level, and reaffirm that I am a valuable human being and not a disposable object.

    Acceptance: This is where I am now. I came to the realization that no matter what you do or how great you are at it, there will always be someone that doesn't appreciate it. Should I stop dreaming because someone thinks my dreams are silly? Should I stop dancing because someone thinks I have no rhythm? Should I stop working because someone doesn't believe in my work? Should I stop building because someone destroys my construction? Absolutely not. I am bigger than my circumstances, and after all I am still the keeper of my castle, and I will not allow anyone to destroy my creation. I am in control and will never allow anyone to hold me back, to block my path or to tell me what to do with my life.
     
     Life is the biggest classroom and I have just learned a lesson. Sometimes we have to lose to gain....

PS: I want to thank some special people who shared my pain, who listened to my venting rants, who held my hand to help me get back up, to that person who touched my shoulder, because your energy reached my soul, and who witnessed my tears without labeling me weak. My life is better because of you...and you know who you are.