Endings

     What is an ending? This word is powerful and at times devastating. Usually associated with a negative outcome. The dictionary defines ending as a bringing or coming to an end; termination; close; and as the final or concluding part. 
    
     For most humans, endings bring a feeling of emptiness and loss. To some extent we are turned off by endings. The end of the relationship, the end of life, the end of a marriage, etc.

     The ending that has affected me the most, is the end of life...death. While growing up this was a topic that no one spoke about. Children were yield from this topic like it was some sort of evil, or a contagious disease.  I grew up fearing death in part because it was unknown and foreign territory. As a kid, I saw death as a bad ending to our life story. I saw it out of place, almost unnatural. I was traumatized by the Francisco Oller's painting "El Velorio", and I am sure that was not his intention.

     I remember that during my first internship in my nurse practitioner program I was sent to a nursing home. I was devastated, and tried to work my way out with my advisor but it didn't work. I was doomed. I knew I was going to face death in there, and that scared me. During the first month of my internship, I was sent to assess a patient. As I entered the room I saw this frail woman, lying in bed, unconscious. She had a grayish color in her skin and her breathing was shallow. I went out and told the nurse in charge that she was dying and I didn't want to be in the room. I thought that she was going to be supportive of my choice but she wasn't. She sent me back to the room. Before I left she looked at me, grabbed my hands and said, "you should be proud  that the last voice she will hear before she leaves this world will be yours, she will not die alone". I went back and stayed with the patient holding hands until the time came. I gave her company but she gave me a lesson that changed my life and the way I view death.  She was not in pain or suffering. I just witnessed how she placed the last period to the last chapter of her life. She felt at peace, and I am glad that nurse pushed outside of my comfort zone to face the ending that I dreaded to face.

    In terms of relationships some people see their ending as a bad thing and even a failure.I have been the first in a lot of things in my family, for example I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first to graduate from college and first one to divorce, not only once, but twice.  Have I failed? Have my ex husbands failed me? Absolutely not!  I don't want to give the impression that I take divorce lightly. It is a difficult decision, because we all marry with the idea of spending the rest of lives with the chosen one. I see my two marriages as great experiences that changed the course of my life forever. Our relationships expired, they were not meant to be forever, but I wouldn't call them a failure...in the least. My life is richer after they ended, but my life was rich when I was married. Sometimes we delayed endings because we fear to start over. We sacrifice not to be judge or label relationship rejects. We take the attitude of a martyr. Life shouldn't be about those types of sacrifices. We live once, we only get one shot at it, so we need to make the best of it...with the right person or alone. I guess divorce could be the last act of love, when you become aware that you in the way of your partner's happiness.
     
      How do I look at endings right now? I see an ending as an opportunity to a new beginning, to a new journey, to a new experience.

The New Year

     I guess 2012 arrived and I hardly noticed. I never write resolutions for the New Year since I never follow through. It feels like I am following commands, even though they are my own.  What I do is that I review what happened in the year that ended to try make amends in the new one.

   The year 2011 was a memorable one. I had experiences that I loved, and others that I which I never have to relive. I experienced loses, pain, hurt, betrayal. I was falsely accused of things, I was degraded by some and elevated by others. I realized that some people I thought my friends weren't, and some that I never saw close were the real deal.

     One of the high moments of this year was seeing my oldest daughter graduating college. What a moment that was! I am proud to be part of something so great! We broke the cycle. I was the first generation in my family to graduate from college, and to see my daughter continue what I started gives me great me a great feeling of accomplishment. The night I went to her Senior show was another great moment. I got to know her a little better through her work, and in a different dimension. I was proud, and  that is a feeling that will last forever. Theres nothing that she could do that will erase that.

     I am happy with what I accomplished this year. I wasn't perfect, and that has never been my goal. I wasn't the best mother, the best partner, the best student, the best co-worker, but nobody could say that I didn't try the best I could. They were moments that I felt guilty for being away from my children due to work and school responsibilities. One wise professor told me, "you are providing them with a wonderful role model as they see you working so hard..." She was right,  guilt should be taken out of the equation, because what I am doing is in their best interest.

     I survived another year of school, and that was hard. I am looking forward to my last full year of schooling. I am enjoying this journey so much.

     I have a nice friend in Chicago that once told me, "if you are not going to leave a mark on your path, don't bother taking it. Make sure you are remembered." She was so right and this my goal in the New Year... I am going to make every encounter I have with people an opportunity to leave a mark, a positive one. I have  some people that have left deep marks and now that they are not around I look at that mark and it feels like I am enjoying them once more. This year I am going to love myself, and make sure that I am well nourished, so I could nurture others. I know some people may see this as arrogant or self-centered but I don't care.  Experience taught me that if I am empty I will have nothing to give. Like in the year 2011, in 2012, I will do the best I can every day and on everything I do. I am looking forward to continue to enjoy my family, friends and remember with love the ones that decided to leave me.

     My daughters gave some inspirational items this year as Christmas gifts, and those mesasges will guide me through the New Year. I got a ring with the engraving "Nothing is impossible" and I am in agreement with it. I got another ring with the engraving "Faith...Live by Faith not by Sight". Lastly I got a beautiful art item that reads, "She believed she could, so she did". All those messages speak of the way I live my life, I am driven and I willl make sure this is a wonderful year.  I will live by faith, believing that nothing is impossible and that will get me places, those places I think I believe I could get, and I will.