I have been single since September 2007. It was bittersweet when my marriage ended but absolutely the right decision to make. At that time the road only had one way...OUT. Sometimes love isn't enough, and we have to be smart enough to realize that. Back then, the single life ahead scared the hell out of me, and I think I am still freaked out because I am still single. I keep telling everyone that it is by choice, but is that true? I don't know.
Being single isn't so glamorous. My social life has been impacted because most of my friends are in a stable relationship. I can't go out with them without feeling that I shouldn't be there, or experiencing guilt because I am keeping them away from their partners. It bothers me that I feel left out, and sometimes I wish there was a place where I could go and rent a boyfriend for a day, or even a few hours. Despite those feelings, I am happy that they have found their soulmates. Well, some of them, others just found a man.
I have been divorced twice and have been in love several times. I have loved with all I had, but here I am almost 4 years later still single and spending my Friday evenings watching Dateline. Am I a love reject? In the time that I have been single I have dated two wonderful guys. The first one helped me get up when I was down, and that was a year after I separated and I will be forever grateful, he has a special place in my heart. The second one I believed was (maybe I still do) my soulmate but the relationship had too many obstacles that hindered growth, and it suffocated. I think it is agonizing...refusing to die. He is the smartest guy I have ever met, and stubborn as hell. I learned a lot from him, but I treasured those memories so much that will keep them just for me.
As you may see, after two divorces I am not considered a love expert. I don't believe my divorces were failures. They were only relationships that had an expiration date. They were both very important people to whom I will always be connected. We were great people, but not meant for each other. I strongly believe that every person that comes to your life have a very specific purpose that sometimes isn't clear in plain sight, but will become clear as the time goes by.
Do I really want a boyfriend? Maybe... I know for fact that I don't need one. I don't need another half because I am complete. I want someone that brings himself to me happy, like I am. Someone independent, free spirit, outside of the box thinker, respectful (non-negotiable), loyal (non-negotiable), faithful(non-negotiable), loving to my kids who are my life (could be a deal breaker if absent), respectful of my time and the profession that I love, able to adapt to my crazy life, able to deal with my obsessions and compulsions, able to deal with the scrutiny of three teenage daughters (well 2 and a 21 year old one), someone that loves me just the way I am. In other words I don't want a fixer upper.
In my circle I am an outlier. I could hear people around me talking and questioning "why is she still single?", "she must have issues". I even got the "are you lesbian?" question. I don't know what my sexual orientation would have to do with being single because lesbians date, and as far as I know that isn't considered a defect that results in perpetual singlehood. Society scares me. Many people really believe that a woman cannot be happy without a partner. Some days I feel like I am living in the time of Noah and the ark's door is almost closing, so I should rush and get a mate before it does, to avoid being left out to drown in the waters of loneliness. Where do I go to find a good mate? Should I go to Market Basket, or maybe Hannaford?, The library? To church? Should I enter the men's room by mistake and just play dumb?
It hasn't been easy to find a good candidate that will love me and my four children. Am I too independent to tolerate a man, or for a man to tolerate me? Am I too demanding? Am I like the Kelly Clarkson song..."I never stray too far from the side walk"?, Am I afraid to get hurt?
I think I know why I am still single.... because I am not willing to lower my expectations, because I am not settling for average, because I know that if I wait the right person for me will come, and because I have a crazy schedule between my two jobs, my four children, and my doctorate student role that doesn't allow me time to explore what could be out there for me.
By no means I want you to think that I am just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right, because that isn't what modern independent women does. I will continue to enjoy my life everyday, like that is my last chance, like there is no tomorrow.
PS: Maybe I found Mr. Right already and I haven't realized it.
