My Quest for the Perfect Church

   For some time now (several years), I have been looking for a church to attend regularly but without being pressured ro become a member. For some reason I feel like I have to go to church to be able to complete the spiritual experience. Who knows if in my quest I will find out that I don't.

   I grew up in a Pentecostal church but I do not feel comfortable attending one as an adult, because of their rigid rules. I started questioning my childhood teachings when I went out to college. I attended a Catholic private university. The community was diverse in terms of religious beliefs and that opened up my eyes. Some of the beliefs I was raised under I don't agree with, well maybe most of what I was told I don't believe in. I grew up in fear, because God was to be fear. As a kid that worked but as a grown up I don't want to follow God because I am scared of the punishment. I want something deeper.

   I do believe in God. I have a personal relationship with the Superior Being. I have experienced first hand the power of that connection. I have to say that I disagree with the way most Christian churches practice, since there is more weigh put into praying than action; love is shown to their fellow members but it doesn't seem to spread outside of the church walls. Each church feel they have the absolute truth, and feel they have the right to judge others and even determine who will be saved and who will not.  They preach love but that love is conditional. Conditional to what? ....to their rules, and dogmas.


  During my quest, I have visited most of the Christian churches in my city, since that is familiar territory.  I went to a church in which they so many cliques that I wanted to run out within the first 10 minutes. They were a great example of not living what they preach. Other ones were so boring that I had a hard time staying awake. But most importantly I went out feeling the same way as I went in. So I kept looking. I want to be in a place in which people preach with their actions. What's the point of having an experience that will not have an effect in my life?


  This morning I went out to visit a new church. This is a Universalist Church. Way out of my comfort zone. Quite a different experience. Got there early and was welcome by a loving woman, that was full of energy and she was about 20 years older than me. She told me that during the summer the services are more informal. This format made it obvious for everyone that I was there as the only new person. Everyone was dressed like they were going to the park, so I was overdressed. Despite that I didn't feel uncomfortable. I couldn't ignore the fact that God was never mention during the service. Maybe they knew He was there, just like when you omit the subject while writing a sentence. There was no prayer or singing, but there was a sense of community, peace, and love in the air. I felt so welcome. They had a speaker, not a preacher that spoke about the Gross National Happiness in Bhutan and how it has impacted us in USA. Quite interesting. I learned a lot, since I have never heard of the country of Bhutan to begin with.

   Have I found "The Church"?  I don't know yet. I will go again next Sunday. I like the principles in which they practice which are "democracy, integrity, continuing education, and individual responsibility..." Also the fact that they promote individual  thinking. I don't want to feel like I am in cult and that I am suppose to follow without questioning or challenging.

  I am aware of how sensitive the topic of religion is, and I hope I haven't offend anyone by expressing my opinion, since its based on my personal experience which may differ from everyone else. It will be interesting to hear the experience of others.

The Garden

     Today, I decided to work in my garden. I have placed plants all over the yard in a way that no matter where I am sitting I will be able to enjoy them. It is a delight to see the beauty of its colors, shapes, textures and breathe their aroma. From the distance I noticed that there were some dry leaves, and weeds growing in the flower beds. These invaders distracts the eye and take the attention away from what should be the center of the garden. If I don't take care of this problem the plants will start to die since they have to share the soil nutrients.  
   
     As I was weeding the flower beds I started thinking about my Life Garden. Do I put the same effort in keeping it beautiful? Am I as vigilant to notice when a weed is growing? When was the last time that I weed it out? I can't remember when was the last time that I weed out my Life Garden, so it must have been a long time ago.
   
     We all have weeds in our Life Garden. Instead of chlorophyll producing creatures they present in a different manner. These weeds are labeled resentment, pain, hurt, bad relationships, bad friendships, mean co-workers, bad jobs, domestic abuse, anger, intolerance, etc.
   
     Why haven't I cleaned my Life Garden in such a long time? Am I afraid to not be able to discern the weeds from the good plants? Or perhaps, I don't have the courage to remove the weeds that I have identified?  Maybe I got into that zone in which I reached a false sense of complacency?

     In our Life Garden there are some weeds that are deceiving and they may look beautiful, strong, and have great flowers that temporarily add beauty to our garden but, are they worth keeping them knowing that they are toxic to the rest of the plants in the long term?
   
    Since I don't know how to do it on my own, I am going to ask for help from the Superior Being, the one that planted me in this earth to bloom and produce fruits. I decided to write my own prayer and it may read like this;
                              Dear God, a while back you planted me in this beautiful planet called Earth.

You put me in charge of my life, and I dont' know if I am doing a great job. You gave freedom to make choices, and I am not sure if my choices have been the best ones.

You gave me a Life Garden to watch over.

Some days, I look at it and I don't see it producing the fruits that I was expecting.

At times I notice weeds, and dry leaves. Sometimes severe weather conditions had created chaos and left everything in disarray.
I believe that they are some things in my Life Garden that might be stopping my growth.

I want you to grant me a few tools so I could make my Life Garden beautiful and productive again.

I want to be wise to be able to identify what is negatively affecting my life.  I want to have courage to remove from life those "things: that I identify.

 I want compassion so I could remove those "things" with love.

I want gentleness so I don't remove the good plants while removing the weeds.  

     I want strength so after I have cleaned my Life Garden I could move forward realizing that did the right thing. 

Amen

         When was the last time that you clean your garden?

 

The Jouney

    On Saturday, July 9 I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. In part due to my own problems and also because I have seen few of my closest friends in great pain during the last two months. That morning I decided to go for a hike all by myself. I have never been hiking alone, perhaps I am aware of my lacking sense of direction, and getting lost is my biggest fear. I am also aware that one of the biggest obstacles for success is fear. This feeling paralyzes people, and I didn't want to be included in that group.
    Exercise outdoors always relaxes and grounds me...so away I went.  I prepared by backpack with some extra weight to make my walk a little harder, and I dressed with courage.


   
     This is a view of the hill that was waiting for me. I immediately regret those extra pounds I was carrying inside my back, but it was too late to go back. 

 




Being alone made me the captain so I decided to explore unfamiliar territory. What was the challenge if I decided to go with the routine? As usual I did my own thing.




With every step I took I felt a weigh lifted off my shoulders. Just like the commercial I saw all my worries flying away.  I had planned to leave them in the woods, and make them part of the scenery. Worries are parasites, they will die without the adequate host.




Every sight was more beautiful than the previous one.



I had to stop and allow this image to sink in.

When I saw this plant with a broken piece, I couldn't help thinking about human resilience.  Why it is so much easier for plants to heal themselves than for humans to heal from their pain?  



I saw new growth despite the adversity, and that means hope.  





Around this area I realized that I was lost.  I knew I was going to get lost, it was just a matter of time. I wasn't born with an internal GPS. I went around some trails twice, and I was frustrated. I was hungry and I realized that I didn't bring a snack despite my history of frequent low blood sugars. I got scared and cried, but I didn't know if I was crying because I was lost or because being lost gave the chance to process what brought me there...emotional pain.





This is my favorite picture of all, and the sight I hate missing every time I hike in this park. Its a great combination of beautiful and not so beautiful, just like life. Both elements are perfectly combined to create this breath taking view.



My complaint about this map, is that the legend is missing the "you are here" part. For me it wasn't helpful.

Do you see that sandy patch at the end? That is the street and what a beautiful sight that was. Close to reaching this area, I realize that my blood sugar was going down because my perception of things was a little off. I made it, just on time. I think God was probably watching over me, so despite thinking that I was alone...I never felt completely alone. This hike took me two hrs, and I realized that there are no limits when you set your goals, and that taking detours in life isn't always a negative thing. It may take longer to get to the destination, but at the end life is all about the journey.  

This is the end of my journey. It was nice to see the trail behind me. I went loaded and came out feeling light and relieved. I accomplished my task in several ways and one of them is that I didn't allow fear to intimidate me. I will do again...very soon.